laughter. But when he turned to look at my, a frown furrowed his brows. “Do you want to? Or is this just for me?”
I realized I was biting my lip when the pain signaled in my brain. Releasing it, I turned back to the view. The bridge loomed steady and constant, timeless. Everything had seemed a lot clearer when I was on that bench. “I’m not sure,” I said.
“What about your job?” he asked.
“What about everything?” It was my turn to utter a laugh. “We don’t even live in the same city.” Anxiety shut down the humor suddenly. “I haven’t worked out all the details.”
“But you definitely want to have it?”
I turned to him. “I won’t change my mind, if that’s what you mean. I am having the baby. I’m just not sure if I’m always going to feel this good about the decision,” I said. The continued anxiety forced honestly from me. “I might get back to New York and think ‘what the hell have I done?’ but I won’t go back on my word. I promise.”
A long breath left him. He smiled, looking dazed again as he turned back to the view. The silence was counted for a moment by the ticking of the dashboard clock. “Looks like we’re having this baby, then,” he echoed finally.
Chapter Five
Back at the house, I ate a sandwich and then retreated to the sunroom. I lay on the sofa near the windows, staring out at the lake. Nathan was in his studio, finishing up some calls. On the other hand, this would be the first day in around fifteen years that I hadn’t worked. I’d spent most of my adult life lost in work: Thanksgiving; Christmas Day; birthdays, weddings, funerals ... I always had to make a call or send an email or finish a report. My phone went off in the middle of the night regularly. I’d once cut a holiday short to come back to New York for an impeachment hearing; not because my boss had requested it, but because they’d moved the date and I hadn’t wanted to miss it. It felt very strange to be lying here doing nothing.
My life was about to change. I still couldn’t really believe it, even if I knew it was going to happen. Like night and day, my life was going to flip from being focused on my job to being focused on ... what? I ran a hand across my stomach. I had no plans to kick up my heels and retire from professional life to be a stay-at-home mom, even if I had all the admiration in the world for women, like my sister, who did. I had to work, but I also had no idea how to do my job at a slower pace. I had no idea how to live at a slower pace. How did people manage? I couldn’t imagine coming home from work at six every night and not working weekends. My inbox would overflow and my brain would implode through frustration. I needed to work; it was my lifeblood. But clearly I wouldn’t be able to do eighty-hour weeks once the baby arrived, or even in the years that followed, not when I saw how exhausted my friends with young children were. They were lucky to manage forty hours a week on top of everything else in the first few years.
I turned on my back and blew out some air. The partnership ... a tight feeling constricted my breathing, like my chest was in a vice. What was it: regret? Absolute longing for something I’d worked so hard for, something so close and yet so out of my reach? I shifted my position and rubbed my eyes tiredly. I would just have to see how the chips fell after I announced my pregnancy. There was no sense in doing it yet; it would be best to wait and see how the race heated up over the next few weeks. Some part of me still hoped I could find way, even if right now it seemed impossible. Whatever the outcome, I wasn’t quite ready to give it up. I’d just decided I was going to have a baby, and as decisions went, that one was big enough for this month. I couldn’t deal with everything else today as well.
Lifting up my legs, I crossed one ankle over my knee. I stared at the elegant design around the hanging light in the centre of the room for a
I realized I was biting my lip when the pain signaled in my brain. Releasing it, I turned back to the view. The bridge loomed steady and constant, timeless. Everything had seemed a lot clearer when I was on that bench. “I’m not sure,” I said.
“What about your job?” he asked.
“What about everything?” It was my turn to utter a laugh. “We don’t even live in the same city.” Anxiety shut down the humor suddenly. “I haven’t worked out all the details.”
“But you definitely want to have it?”
I turned to him. “I won’t change my mind, if that’s what you mean. I am having the baby. I’m just not sure if I’m always going to feel this good about the decision,” I said. The continued anxiety forced honestly from me. “I might get back to New York and think ‘what the hell have I done?’ but I won’t go back on my word. I promise.”
A long breath left him. He smiled, looking dazed again as he turned back to the view. The silence was counted for a moment by the ticking of the dashboard clock. “Looks like we’re having this baby, then,” he echoed finally.
Chapter Five
Back at the house, I ate a sandwich and then retreated to the sunroom. I lay on the sofa near the windows, staring out at the lake. Nathan was in his studio, finishing up some calls. On the other hand, this would be the first day in around fifteen years that I hadn’t worked. I’d spent most of my adult life lost in work: Thanksgiving; Christmas Day; birthdays, weddings, funerals ... I always had to make a call or send an email or finish a report. My phone went off in the middle of the night regularly. I’d once cut a holiday short to come back to New York for an impeachment hearing; not because my boss had requested it, but because they’d moved the date and I hadn’t wanted to miss it. It felt very strange to be lying here doing nothing.
My life was about to change. I still couldn’t really believe it, even if I knew it was going to happen. Like night and day, my life was going to flip from being focused on my job to being focused on ... what? I ran a hand across my stomach. I had no plans to kick up my heels and retire from professional life to be a stay-at-home mom, even if I had all the admiration in the world for women, like my sister, who did. I had to work, but I also had no idea how to do my job at a slower pace. I had no idea how to live at a slower pace. How did people manage? I couldn’t imagine coming home from work at six every night and not working weekends. My inbox would overflow and my brain would implode through frustration. I needed to work; it was my lifeblood. But clearly I wouldn’t be able to do eighty-hour weeks once the baby arrived, or even in the years that followed, not when I saw how exhausted my friends with young children were. They were lucky to manage forty hours a week on top of everything else in the first few years.
I turned on my back and blew out some air. The partnership ... a tight feeling constricted my breathing, like my chest was in a vice. What was it: regret? Absolute longing for something I’d worked so hard for, something so close and yet so out of my reach? I shifted my position and rubbed my eyes tiredly. I would just have to see how the chips fell after I announced my pregnancy. There was no sense in doing it yet; it would be best to wait and see how the race heated up over the next few weeks. Some part of me still hoped I could find way, even if right now it seemed impossible. Whatever the outcome, I wasn’t quite ready to give it up. I’d just decided I was going to have a baby, and as decisions went, that one was big enough for this month. I couldn’t deal with everything else today as well.
Lifting up my legs, I crossed one ankle over my knee. I stared at the elegant design around the hanging light in the centre of the room for a
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