panic attacks.”
Duncan seemed to ponder this. “The first time I came here, you had a panic attack then, didn’t you?”
Ruben felt his face flush with heat. “Yes. I really tried not to but—”
“It’s all right. You don’t have to excuse or apologize for an instinctive reaction like that. I’m sorry I caused you such heartache. I assure you had I known—”
“No, I… I wanted to meet you.” Ruben’s whole body heated up at the confession and the implications of it. “No one’s ever believed in me other than Grandma Rose and Benjamin, and they’re family. I mean, had faith in my artistic skills.”
Suddenly, Duncan chuckled, the low sound reverberating from his chest onto Ruben’s skin. God, it felt and sounded good. “It’s more than your talent as an artist I admire. You were able to meet me, even invite me into your house. You are braver than you give yourself credit for.”
Gosh, that sounded too good to be true. Ruben felt stronger within, as though Duncan’s steady assurances awoke something inside him. Perhaps he did have more than a granule of courage in his heart.
Duncan went on, awe in his voice. “I mean, after breaking down when we first met, you still picked yourself up and tried again. And the next time you battled your demons and won, and I got the chance to see you and speak with you, and I feel privileged for it. Grateful that you let go of your fears, even for a short time, and best of all, that you did it with me.”
The warmth and brightness that filled Ruben’s heart with true hope at that moment was beyond his experience, but he savored the feeling, tucking it deep inside his soul for safekeeping.
Maybe Duncan was right. The sky couldn’t hurt him, vast open spaces even less so. It wasn’t like he had never puzzled at the oddity of his anxiety. Xenophobia, the fear of strangers, was something he had expected and could have understood. But worrying about what was outside the house when the terrible thing that had happened to him had taken place inside these four walls?
If he left here, if he somehow mustered enough strength, would he become afraid of unfamiliar faces, or crowds, or every brush against his skin, or invasions of his personal space? Was that what he had to look forward to? Substituting one fear for another.
“What are you thinking about?” Duncan asked him, still holding Ruben gathered in his arms, safe and sound.
“It’s strange,” he started slowly, his voice muffled against Duncan’s sweater. “But when I first invited you here, I saw in my head the two of us outside on the porch, drinking coffee and chatting away. It wasn’t until later I realized what I had done. How natural it had seemed in my head. But when I awoke from that normalcy…. That was when the panic struck me.”
“For a moment you forgot to be afraid,” Duncan clarified, pensive.
“I guess. Weird.”
“I don’t know. You know how it takes the body time to heal from wounds and injuries and illness, right?” Ruben nodded, silent, curious as to where this was leading. “Maybe your mind is starting to get past it.”
Ruben waited for the panic to swamp him under its relentless tidal wave. But it never came. With Duncan there, Ruben felt as calm and centered as he did when doing his exercises. The epiphany was still a hard pill to swallow. He had grown accustomed to his fear.
Who was he without his phobia? Could he be someone without it?
Chapter 10
“W HY AREN ’ T you with someone?” Ruben asked, clinging to Duncan’s sweater, inhaling the man’s scent, relishing his warm solidity.
“I am with someone.” From Duncan’s amused tone, Ruben concluded he was teasing, that he meant Ruben. When Ruben snorted, Duncan chuckled. Then he said, “My work is important to me, and it eats up a lot of my time. I don’t hang around in bars a lot. There’s no policy against fraternization at EP, so I suppose I could develop a relationship with someone
Duncan seemed to ponder this. “The first time I came here, you had a panic attack then, didn’t you?”
Ruben felt his face flush with heat. “Yes. I really tried not to but—”
“It’s all right. You don’t have to excuse or apologize for an instinctive reaction like that. I’m sorry I caused you such heartache. I assure you had I known—”
“No, I… I wanted to meet you.” Ruben’s whole body heated up at the confession and the implications of it. “No one’s ever believed in me other than Grandma Rose and Benjamin, and they’re family. I mean, had faith in my artistic skills.”
Suddenly, Duncan chuckled, the low sound reverberating from his chest onto Ruben’s skin. God, it felt and sounded good. “It’s more than your talent as an artist I admire. You were able to meet me, even invite me into your house. You are braver than you give yourself credit for.”
Gosh, that sounded too good to be true. Ruben felt stronger within, as though Duncan’s steady assurances awoke something inside him. Perhaps he did have more than a granule of courage in his heart.
Duncan went on, awe in his voice. “I mean, after breaking down when we first met, you still picked yourself up and tried again. And the next time you battled your demons and won, and I got the chance to see you and speak with you, and I feel privileged for it. Grateful that you let go of your fears, even for a short time, and best of all, that you did it with me.”
The warmth and brightness that filled Ruben’s heart with true hope at that moment was beyond his experience, but he savored the feeling, tucking it deep inside his soul for safekeeping.
Maybe Duncan was right. The sky couldn’t hurt him, vast open spaces even less so. It wasn’t like he had never puzzled at the oddity of his anxiety. Xenophobia, the fear of strangers, was something he had expected and could have understood. But worrying about what was outside the house when the terrible thing that had happened to him had taken place inside these four walls?
If he left here, if he somehow mustered enough strength, would he become afraid of unfamiliar faces, or crowds, or every brush against his skin, or invasions of his personal space? Was that what he had to look forward to? Substituting one fear for another.
“What are you thinking about?” Duncan asked him, still holding Ruben gathered in his arms, safe and sound.
“It’s strange,” he started slowly, his voice muffled against Duncan’s sweater. “But when I first invited you here, I saw in my head the two of us outside on the porch, drinking coffee and chatting away. It wasn’t until later I realized what I had done. How natural it had seemed in my head. But when I awoke from that normalcy…. That was when the panic struck me.”
“For a moment you forgot to be afraid,” Duncan clarified, pensive.
“I guess. Weird.”
“I don’t know. You know how it takes the body time to heal from wounds and injuries and illness, right?” Ruben nodded, silent, curious as to where this was leading. “Maybe your mind is starting to get past it.”
Ruben waited for the panic to swamp him under its relentless tidal wave. But it never came. With Duncan there, Ruben felt as calm and centered as he did when doing his exercises. The epiphany was still a hard pill to swallow. He had grown accustomed to his fear.
Who was he without his phobia? Could he be someone without it?
Chapter 10
“W HY AREN ’ T you with someone?” Ruben asked, clinging to Duncan’s sweater, inhaling the man’s scent, relishing his warm solidity.
“I am with someone.” From Duncan’s amused tone, Ruben concluded he was teasing, that he meant Ruben. When Ruben snorted, Duncan chuckled. Then he said, “My work is important to me, and it eats up a lot of my time. I don’t hang around in bars a lot. There’s no policy against fraternization at EP, so I suppose I could develop a relationship with someone
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