Read Online As Black as Ebony by Salla Simukka - Free Book Online

distance to Blaze felt painfully far. They should have been able to be right against each other. But they couldn’t.
    “Do you love him?” Blaze asked.
    He asked it in such a serious tone that Lumikki felt she owed him an honest answer.
    “I’m not sure I know what love is,” she said.
    “Why are you with him then? Why are you pushing me away? Is it because he’s a real boy?”
    Exhaustion washed over Lumikki.
    “Of course not. Don’t even joke about that.”
    “If I’m not good enough for you, just say so. If I’m too incomplete, too imperfect.”
    Lumikki heard the hurt and sadness in Blaze’s voice, but she couldn’t comfort him. Not now.
    “This isn’t going to go this way,” was all she said.
    How could she explain to Blaze that everything felt so perfect when she was with him. Everything felt like nothing was missing. But she was with Sampsa now, and Sampsa was nice and sweet and dependable. Sampsa had never broken her heart.
    Lumikki knew that if she took one more step into the forest, if she swam two more strokes into the lake, if she let the starry sky descend and fill her soul, she would never get out. She would never want to get out. And she didn’t believe she could stand having that all taken away from her again. Blaze had done it once. Blaze had gone and taken the forest and the lake and the stars away. Lumikki couldn’t trust that Blaze wouldn’t do it again. Lumikki didn’t dare allow herself to be hurt again.
    “You can’t do this to me,” Blaze said. “I was only able to make it through all of this because of you. So we could be together again. And now you’re turning your back on me.”
    You turned your back on me , Lumikki thought. But this isn’t revenge. I’m not doing this to you. You’re doing this to yourself. I’m punishing myself more than you, denying myself happiness because I’m too afraid. I just can’t step into the dark and fall again. I would die. I would go crazy.
    But all she said was, “You went through all of that for yourself, which is how it should be. No one else can make you happy and complete but you.”
    Lumikki saw Blaze’s eyes well up. Their surface quivered, but he just managed to hold back enough to keep the tears from rolling down his cheeks. This suppressed pain hurt Lumikki more than it would have if Blaze had started to cry outright. She had to strain not to wrap her arms around him and hug him long, oh so long.
    “You are a cold creature, Lumikki. I thought I knew you.”
    Lumikki did not reply. She didn’t have the words. If Blaze chose to be bitter and hate her, that might make things easier for him. It would be easier for him to break free of her.
    When the door slammed shut after Blaze, Lumikki’s legs gave out. Collapsing on the entry floor, she sat and felt as the blackness crept from the shadows in the corners over her. It penetrated her ears and nostrils, wriggling down her throat into her lungs and stomach, filling them. Breathing was hard. She was running out of air.
    Finally, Lumikki stood up and walked to the kitchen. She needed some strong coffee now. Blacker than the blackness that had made its home in her. As Lumikki measured the coffee into the pot, she heard the mail slot bang.
    A familiar fear sank its carnivorous teeth into her neck.
    Probably just junk mail , Lumikki told herself.
    But instead, a white sheet of paper folded over once sat on the floor. Lumikki shoved open the door and rushed into the stairwell. No one. Not even running steps on the stairs. The elevator was still. Lumikki hesitated for a moment, but then went back inside. She wasn’t going to go chasing a shadow. The worst thing might be what would happen if she caught him.
    Lumikki didn’t want to open the letter, but she couldn’t not open it. All it said was:
    I love you more than anyone else. Always.

Your touching makes me feel alive. Living feels worth it then.
    I’ve dreamed of you for so long. I’ve read all the newspaper stories about