Read Online Happy Families by Tanita S. Davis - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Tanita S. Davis
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day, and it’s still a shock to me. I still can’t believe—no. Listen, I want us to count our blessings. Each of us is well and strong. We love each other. We will get through this.”
Her positive voice shook so much at the end that it was hard to understand her words. Grandmama gave a little sob, and Poppy put his arm around her as she choked back her sadness. Mom gripped our hands, and Grandmama clung to Poppy, and we all just sat there. Ysabel, still clutching her stomach, had asked, “What do we do now?”
I still don’t have an answer to that. I’ve tried to make lists of concerns and put together scenarios that make sense—
Dad becomes Christine, family becomes …
What? There are no answers.
I flip on my side and take a breath, rubbing my stomach where it feels like a ball of lava has taken up residence in my gut. Right after Poppy had talked to us, we’d taken the first steps toward dealing with things. Mom had told us Dad was staying up north in the little apartment he’d rented for his business trips. Poppy said that nothing was going to change right now, that Dad still was going to take care of things financially, and that we didn’t have to worry.
Once Grandmama stopped crying, she said it wasn’t the end of the world. I guess she was trying to comfort herself. She said that other children have transgender people for parents, that nobody’s died of it. “We can all go on and survive this. All it takes is the right attitude,” Grandmama said, and dragged out one of her usual sayings.
“This too shall pass.”
She may be right, but I can’t imagine how. Nobody tells you how to get from the bad moment you’re in to where you manage to live happily ever after.
I still don’t know how I made the time pass, how I got through those first few days. Did it make me feel less alone to know that now Mom and Ysabel knew? Did it make me feel less crazy? All we did was put one foot in front of the other, go to school, go to work, come home, and exist. It wasn’t enough, but it filled the moments. Until now.
I hold still and listen to Ysabel breathing. I slow my own breath, trying to match hers, feeling myself relaxing into drowsiness. Just when I’m on the edge of sleep, I’m back at school, standing at the podium, facing my opponents from Valley Jewish Day School, and Callista and her friend Geena in the front row. I’m letting them stew, making them wait for my final argument, when I’m distracted by a movement. I glance into the audience to see the woman in the white suit shifting, straightening her skirt. For some reason, Missy’s comment about her being family distracts me. It’s when she turns and looks over her shoulder that I see the resemblance; my father’s profile is so clear that my knees start shaking. It’s obviously Dad, in drag.
What. Is. Going. On
.
If I can tell who he is, everyone will be able to when they see him. They can’t see him. I can’t let them look. There is a roaring in my ears as I step off the podium. Callista leans forward, her dark eyes fixed on me. She’s watching me, so I don’t look at him again; I can’t. I step off the podium, and I fall and fall and—
Shut it down, Justin. Inhale, exhale. Just breathe
.
I suck in air and wait for my heart to slow. The rest of thatday had been hell. Mr. Lester had been shocked when I’d come to him with a drop slip for debate. “Justin, everybody chokes at least once. You have so much potential, so much promise that I really hate to see you do this. Are you sure you won’t let me help you?”
“I’m sure, Mr. Lester. I’m just under too much stress. I can’t do debate on top of everything else.”
“You can always come back to the team,” Mr. Lester had said, and I’d hated seeing the regret in his face. “You’ll always be welcome.”
Then later, it was my girlfriend’s turn.
“Justin, I don’t understand.” Callista’s nervousness showed in how she fiddled with the end of her braids.
Her positive voice shook so much at the end that it was hard to understand her words. Grandmama gave a little sob, and Poppy put his arm around her as she choked back her sadness. Mom gripped our hands, and Grandmama clung to Poppy, and we all just sat there. Ysabel, still clutching her stomach, had asked, “What do we do now?”
I still don’t have an answer to that. I’ve tried to make lists of concerns and put together scenarios that make sense—
Dad becomes Christine, family becomes …
What? There are no answers.
I flip on my side and take a breath, rubbing my stomach where it feels like a ball of lava has taken up residence in my gut. Right after Poppy had talked to us, we’d taken the first steps toward dealing with things. Mom had told us Dad was staying up north in the little apartment he’d rented for his business trips. Poppy said that nothing was going to change right now, that Dad still was going to take care of things financially, and that we didn’t have to worry.
Once Grandmama stopped crying, she said it wasn’t the end of the world. I guess she was trying to comfort herself. She said that other children have transgender people for parents, that nobody’s died of it. “We can all go on and survive this. All it takes is the right attitude,” Grandmama said, and dragged out one of her usual sayings.
“This too shall pass.”
She may be right, but I can’t imagine how. Nobody tells you how to get from the bad moment you’re in to where you manage to live happily ever after.
I still don’t know how I made the time pass, how I got through those first few days. Did it make me feel less alone to know that now Mom and Ysabel knew? Did it make me feel less crazy? All we did was put one foot in front of the other, go to school, go to work, come home, and exist. It wasn’t enough, but it filled the moments. Until now.
I hold still and listen to Ysabel breathing. I slow my own breath, trying to match hers, feeling myself relaxing into drowsiness. Just when I’m on the edge of sleep, I’m back at school, standing at the podium, facing my opponents from Valley Jewish Day School, and Callista and her friend Geena in the front row. I’m letting them stew, making them wait for my final argument, when I’m distracted by a movement. I glance into the audience to see the woman in the white suit shifting, straightening her skirt. For some reason, Missy’s comment about her being family distracts me. It’s when she turns and looks over her shoulder that I see the resemblance; my father’s profile is so clear that my knees start shaking. It’s obviously Dad, in drag.
What. Is. Going. On
.
If I can tell who he is, everyone will be able to when they see him. They can’t see him. I can’t let them look. There is a roaring in my ears as I step off the podium. Callista leans forward, her dark eyes fixed on me. She’s watching me, so I don’t look at him again; I can’t. I step off the podium, and I fall and fall and—
Shut it down, Justin. Inhale, exhale. Just breathe
.
I suck in air and wait for my heart to slow. The rest of thatday had been hell. Mr. Lester had been shocked when I’d come to him with a drop slip for debate. “Justin, everybody chokes at least once. You have so much potential, so much promise that I really hate to see you do this. Are you sure you won’t let me help you?”
“I’m sure, Mr. Lester. I’m just under too much stress. I can’t do debate on top of everything else.”
“You can always come back to the team,” Mr. Lester had said, and I’d hated seeing the regret in his face. “You’ll always be welcome.”
Then later, it was my girlfriend’s turn.
“Justin, I don’t understand.” Callista’s nervousness showed in how she fiddled with the end of her braids.
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