neutral.
"What was that again?" Tom's eyes were burning lenses. If they'd been out in the sun, the Reverend Mr. Hicks would long since have gone up in smoke.
"Sin," said the Reverend Hicks. "Have you been living in it?"
Silence.
Tom said, "As a matter of fact, we have."
Lisa jabbed his elbow and stared at the floor. There was an outbreak of muffled coughing.
"Oh," said the Reverend Mr. Hicks. "Well, then."
What followed was not a ceremony but a sermon and not a sermon but a lecture. Sin was the subject, and the bridal couple the object. Without actual circling and sniffing their hems and cuffs, the reverend managed to make everyone in the room acutely aware of underwear and of ties that choked. He wandered off the subject and then wandered back. It was sin this and sin that, sins of the lovers and future husbands, sins of the put-upon and not always guaranteed brides. Somewhere along in the hour he mislaid the ceremony. Finding it in the corners of his eyes, and in Tom's concentrated glare, Mr. Hicks hesitated and was about to ricochet back to pure sin, if sin ever was pure, when John shortened the hour.
He let one crutch slip. It slammed the floor with a fine crack and rebounding clatter.
"Tom and Lisa, do you take each other as man and wife!" cried the Reverend Mr. Hicks.
It was over! No one heard the shots or saw wounds or blood. There was a shared gasp from three dozen throats. The reverend slapped his revised Unitarian Bible shut on mostly empty pages, and the locals from the pub and the town villagers, pressed to the windows, leaped back as if caught by lightning, to avoid the direct-current gaze of Tom, and at his elbow the downcast eyes of Lisa, still recirculating her blush. The reverend ran for the champagne. By some accident never to be explained in Ireland, some of the cheap had risen to spoil the best.
"Not that." The reverend swallowed, grimaced, and gestured his goblet. "The other, for goodness' sake!"
Only when he had rinsed his mouth and swallowed to improve the hour did color tint his cheek and spark his eyes.
"Man!" he shouted at Tom. "That was work. Refills!"
There was a show of hands waving goblets.
"Gentlemen, ladies!" John reminded them of their manners. "Cake to go with the champagne!"
"John!" Ricki jerked her head. 'No!'"
But it was too late. All turned to focus their lust on a bridal confection which had waited, gathering dust, for eight days.
Smiling like an executioner, John brandished the knife. Lisa took it as if she had just pulled it from her breast and desired to shove it back in. Instead she turned to bend over the lonely and waiting cake. I crowded near to watch the speckles of dust flurry up from frosting stirred by Lisa's breath.
She stabbed the cake.
Silent, the cake was obdurate.
It did not cut, it did not slice, and it gave only faint tendencies to flake or chip.
Lisa struck again and a fine powder puffed up on the air. Lisa sneezed and struck again. She managed to dent the target in four places. Then she started the assassination. With a furious red face above and the knife gripped in both hands, she wrought havoc. More powder, more flakes.
"'Is the damn cake fresh?"' someone said.
"Who said that?" said Tom.
"Not me," said several people.
"Give me that!" Tom seized the knife from Lisa's hands. "There!''
This time, shrapnel. The cake cracked under his blows and had to be shoveled onto the plates with a dreadful clatter.
As the plates were handed round, the men in their pink coats and the women in their smart black stared at the broken teeth strewn there, the smile of a once great beauty laid to ruin by time.
Some sniffed, but no aroma or scent arose from the powdered frost and the slain brandy cake beneath. Its life had long since fled.
Which left the good souls with a confectioner's corpse in one hand and a bad vintage in the other, until someone rediscovered the rare vintages stashed against the wall and the stampede for the saviors' refreshment began.
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