Read Online Ghost Town by Richard W. Jennings - Free Book Online
Authors: Richard W. Jennings
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Kid,
Milton Swartzman wrote:
I don't hand out money to anybody. It goes against all my principles, which are principally about my money. I will make you a deal, however. I will pay you five bucks apiece for as many of those bad luck amulets as you can talk your Indian pal into carving. They ll be a great addition to my catalog. That doctor had just stepped outside the hospital when a grand piano fell on him from five stories up. Splat! Just like that. Unfortunately, with my bad leg I was unable to recover the talisman. So you guys get busy and get me some more. You know, in a funny way, it's lucky you live in such a hard luck place. You could make some real dough.
Very truly yours,
Milton Swartzman
President and Publisher,
Uncle Milton's Thousand Things You Thought You'd Never Find
P.S. The Cayman Islands are located in the Caribbean Sea between Cuba and Honduras.
P.P.S. Your friend carves knickknacks a lot better than he writes poetry.
P.PP.S. The nurse came into my room to tell me about the doctor's accident and said, "In a way, he was very lucky."
"How's that?" I asked.
"Well," she replied, "it was a Steinway. That's the best there is."
I folded the letter carefully and slipped it back into the colorful FedEx cardboard envelope.
So here was the deal: By exporting Paisley's bad luck to the Cayman Islands one notched bee burl at a time, I could soon have the three hundred dollars I needed for my ambitious Paisley memorial photo-art project.
The big question now was how to convince Chief Leopard Frog to carve sixty more talismans. That's a pretty big order for an otherwise idle whittler.
Walking on Eggshells
I FOUND CHIEF LEOPARD FROG on the porch swing, feeding Cheetos to a squirrel.
"You're making his face orange," I observed.
"War paint," Chief Leopard Frog replied. "A great tradition."
"Okee-dokee," I said. "But it seems to me that it's not that much different from stirring up bees."
"It's completely different," Chief Leopard Frog replied.
Hmmm,
I thought.
He seems to be somewhat miffed with me. Have I been neglecting him lately?
Even when dealing with imaginary friends, it's important to be sensitive to their idiosyncrasies. So I started over, this time using a different approach, one based on the principles of salesmanshipâflattery and lyingâthat, unknowingly, I'd begun to pick up from my contact with Milton Swartzman.
"Hey, guess what?" I said. "That publisher loved your poems."
"Really?" Chief Leopard Frog replied. His voice, his posture, and his demeanor suddenly brightened. "Which one did he like best?"
"He liked them all equally well," I fibbed. "He said there was no way to choose a favorite. He wants to see more."
"No kidding," Chief Leopard Frog said. "This is wonderful news."
"I hope you don't mind," I added, digging the hole deeper, "but I also let him see the talisman you made for me. He said you are truly a gifted artist capable of profound expression in many media."
"Wow," Chief Leopard Frog responded. "He said that?"
"Mmm-hmm," I replied.
"So what happens next?" Chief Leopard Frog inquired earnestly, dumping the entire bag of Cheetos at the feet of the squirrel, which was now covered in salty, cheese-flavored, iridescent orange dust.
Timing is everything. In photography. In fishing. In manipulating imaginary friends. You have to know when to set the hook.
"What do you mean, 'next'?" I asked disingenuously.
Chief Leopard Frog was always one for tradition. He spoke of tradition as if something that had happened in the past was more importantâeven sacredâjust because it happened a long time ago. So I was simply following Chief Leopard Frog's ideas about tradition when I proceeded to deceive him for my own personal gain.
White men have been deceiving Native Americans for personal gain since the first greedy European set foot on this vast continent. The practice continues to this very day, as seen with all the gambling casinos in such unlikely places as Oklahoma
Milton Swartzman wrote:
I don't hand out money to anybody. It goes against all my principles, which are principally about my money. I will make you a deal, however. I will pay you five bucks apiece for as many of those bad luck amulets as you can talk your Indian pal into carving. They ll be a great addition to my catalog. That doctor had just stepped outside the hospital when a grand piano fell on him from five stories up. Splat! Just like that. Unfortunately, with my bad leg I was unable to recover the talisman. So you guys get busy and get me some more. You know, in a funny way, it's lucky you live in such a hard luck place. You could make some real dough.
Very truly yours,
Milton Swartzman
President and Publisher,
Uncle Milton's Thousand Things You Thought You'd Never Find
P.S. The Cayman Islands are located in the Caribbean Sea between Cuba and Honduras.
P.P.S. Your friend carves knickknacks a lot better than he writes poetry.
P.PP.S. The nurse came into my room to tell me about the doctor's accident and said, "In a way, he was very lucky."
"How's that?" I asked.
"Well," she replied, "it was a Steinway. That's the best there is."
I folded the letter carefully and slipped it back into the colorful FedEx cardboard envelope.
So here was the deal: By exporting Paisley's bad luck to the Cayman Islands one notched bee burl at a time, I could soon have the three hundred dollars I needed for my ambitious Paisley memorial photo-art project.
The big question now was how to convince Chief Leopard Frog to carve sixty more talismans. That's a pretty big order for an otherwise idle whittler.
Walking on Eggshells
I FOUND CHIEF LEOPARD FROG on the porch swing, feeding Cheetos to a squirrel.
"You're making his face orange," I observed.
"War paint," Chief Leopard Frog replied. "A great tradition."
"Okee-dokee," I said. "But it seems to me that it's not that much different from stirring up bees."
"It's completely different," Chief Leopard Frog replied.
Hmmm,
I thought.
He seems to be somewhat miffed with me. Have I been neglecting him lately?
Even when dealing with imaginary friends, it's important to be sensitive to their idiosyncrasies. So I started over, this time using a different approach, one based on the principles of salesmanshipâflattery and lyingâthat, unknowingly, I'd begun to pick up from my contact with Milton Swartzman.
"Hey, guess what?" I said. "That publisher loved your poems."
"Really?" Chief Leopard Frog replied. His voice, his posture, and his demeanor suddenly brightened. "Which one did he like best?"
"He liked them all equally well," I fibbed. "He said there was no way to choose a favorite. He wants to see more."
"No kidding," Chief Leopard Frog said. "This is wonderful news."
"I hope you don't mind," I added, digging the hole deeper, "but I also let him see the talisman you made for me. He said you are truly a gifted artist capable of profound expression in many media."
"Wow," Chief Leopard Frog responded. "He said that?"
"Mmm-hmm," I replied.
"So what happens next?" Chief Leopard Frog inquired earnestly, dumping the entire bag of Cheetos at the feet of the squirrel, which was now covered in salty, cheese-flavored, iridescent orange dust.
Timing is everything. In photography. In fishing. In manipulating imaginary friends. You have to know when to set the hook.
"What do you mean, 'next'?" I asked disingenuously.
Chief Leopard Frog was always one for tradition. He spoke of tradition as if something that had happened in the past was more importantâeven sacredâjust because it happened a long time ago. So I was simply following Chief Leopard Frog's ideas about tradition when I proceeded to deceive him for my own personal gain.
White men have been deceiving Native Americans for personal gain since the first greedy European set foot on this vast continent. The practice continues to this very day, as seen with all the gambling casinos in such unlikely places as Oklahoma
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