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neck.”
    Her eyes
brighten. “He told me not to piss myself when he was killing me. He said that
and I knew he was stupid. How can I control what I do when I’m dead? I knew he was
stupid even after my brain was broken. He’s a bad man.”
    “He’ll be a
dead man soon.”
    “What if he
hurts you? Maybe you should let him live, so you’ll be safe.”
    “Screw that
shit. Anyone who hurts a kid is a fucking coward. He can’t hurt me. I’ll make
him suffer before I kill him and I bet you he pisses himself too.”
    Mia doesn’t
smile with vengeful glee. She sits up on her knees again and scoots closer. Her
wet face shines in the light of the room and I want to see the fucker who hurt
her cry too. I want him to suffer and beg. I need Mia to have vengeance, even
if she can’t want it for herself.
    “You are
beautiful,” she whispers, looking at my lips. “I never thought a man was
beautiful before. Even when the bad man was nice to me and touched me, I didn’t
like him. I just wanted to be free, so I pretended. I never pretend with you.
You are beautiful and I want to be close please.”
    “No,” I
whisper.
    Mia can’t
understand. I see the confusion in her eyes. The guilt of her being undesirable
to me.
    “I’ve never looked
at fucking as anything more than a bodily function,” I tell her. “It’s
something I do to relieve stress. It’s not anything special. Even saying
special feels wrong like something other people do. Making love and that crap
isn’t for me.”
    Cupping her
face, I caress her lower lip with my thumb.
    “With you, I
want it to be special. I want it to be more, but I don’t know how to make it
that way. When I know how to make it special, I won’t tell you no,” I say then
add, “I want you, Mia. You’re mine and I’m never giving you up.”
    Her breathing
shifts, coming faster like she’s excited. She looks around again then the
corner of her mouth lifts into a half smile. Mia understands enough to see how
I know her and still want her. She’s mine and will never return to the hell of
her old life.
    We fall into
silence for a long time. Mia eventually gets up to take a shower. I know she
doesn’t need one and soon her sobs echo through the door. Hearing anger and
sorrow in her cries, I want to burn down the world. In my mind, I see us in the
car with Mia pointing out every person who hurt her. I even want to destroy the
old woman who told her she had no value. Every cop who looked away. Every
neighbor who turned a blind eye. I want them all dead. I need to lay waste to
the city to find vengeance for my woman.
    Unable to sit
still, I pace around the room like an agitated animal. I know myself well
enough to understand if I go out to kill tonight that I’ll make a mistake. I’ll
be reckless and end up dead or in jail.
    Where will
Mia be when I’m gone? She’s alone in the world without the skills to survive.
The rat father kept her dumb to make her easier to control then the fucker with
the belt ruined any chance Mia had to care for herself.
    Death and suffering
await them all. Rodent was lucky with a quick bullet to the head. He died too fast
for my taste and I wish to kill him a million times. I need to feel the blood
of the guilty, so I can look into Mia’s eyes and know I’m worthy. She must be
avenged.
    When she
appears from the bathroom, Mia’s face is bright red from crying. Yet, she’s
smiling and her eyes are happy. I see hope in her expression and my rage fades.
My need for vengeance is quenched for now. When she looks at me and smiles
because I freed her from hell, I’m worthy.

15 Spent Shells
     
    Gator
     
     
    Mia is happy
most of the time. She smiles a lot until dinner. A little girl catches her
attention at the restaurant like a ghost of her past stealing away her smiles.
I glance at the kid and wonder about having one with Mia. Ours won’t be blond
or blue eyed. I imagine my kid looking like me, but hope it has Mia’s soft
smile. I miss that