whore. I waited for his condemnation. Maybe we would be publicly renounced, flogged or, if Father felt strongly enough, even executed. Caesare remained as silent as I. How could we deny the truth? I felt such rage that he would stand there and let me take all of the blame. How could I possibly expect anything more from him? When it came down to it he was just as afraid of father as I was.
‘I thought at first it was nothing, that Caesare would tire of his little game with you and you would have gained some experience to take into your marriage, Luci. But it seems things have gone too far.’
I felt his eyes bore into my belly. It was clear to me that Caesare had confessed to Father, had told him everything, throwing himself at his mercy in a bid to receive lesser punishment. I could not decide whether this final betrayal was vindictive because I had refused to let him return to my bed. His anger had been so intense the last time we met. He had threatened to tell Father I was pregnant, had threatened to tell him I was a whore, unless I let him in. I opened my mouth to speak, to tell Father that Caesare had raped me. He would not make me take all the blame.
I glanced at my brother and saw the bruises. Blood seeping from his lips and around his mouth, spilled over his once crisp white shirt. He swayed on his feet. He looked hurt, frail and weak. I realised then that he hadn’t told on me; the truth had been beaten from him.
My emotions were in turmoil. I felt pain for him, fear for myself. I was unable to speak, for what defence could I offer? I was a whore; I had committed incest with my brother. The church would condemn us. The very least we could expect was exile and it was unlikely that that would be our only lot.
Father turned to me, his eyes furious. As he stepped forward, his arm raised to strike me, both Guila and Caesare moved in front of me.
‘Don’t hurt her. It was me! All of it my fault, Father. I told you! She was too innocent to understand what was happening,’ Caesare begged. ‘Please, she’s with child. Don’t hurt her. Punish me.’
Caesare threw himself down before our father, who stopped, shocked by the ferocity of his defence of me. His eyes skipped from Caesare to me. Guila held my shaking body against her, her eyes pleading with Father. At that moment she was more a mother to me than she had ever been.
‘Please,’ she begged. ‘She’s merely a child!’
‘Take her out of my sight,’ Father ordered. ‘Caesare, you shall be punished.’
Guila led me away. I looked back once more at Caesare still lying at the feet of our father. Father wore a glazed, somewhat insane expression, as he turned his eyes from me to his kneeling son, who quivered as he waited for the blows to fall.
Guila took me back to my room, where I found two young servant girls packing my clothing and personal possessions into trunks. I burst into tears and Guila took my hand, sending the servants away as she laid me on my bed.
‘Some brothers and sisters do learn about love together,’ Guila told me. ‘But never take things beyond propriety.’
‘Father. . ?’
‘He knows this. And all will be taken care of. He’s brought your wedding date forward again.’ Guila stroked my head.
‘What!’ I tried to sit but she forced me back down.
‘Please don’t be afraid. Your new husband will not be permitted to have you. The marriage will be in name only, Lucrezia, and your father will pay him well for his troubles.’
‘Everyone will know,’ I answered. ‘My condition will become obvious soon.’
‘That is why you and I are going on a trip. We’ll be away for several months. It will coincide with your father’s Papal duties. He needs to do a tour of Italy. All of Rome will think you are with him, but instead you will be doing your confinement in a mountain retreat.’
I fell silent. My shame would be hidden but what of my child?
‘All will be taken care of,’ Guila said again.
I should have felt
‘I thought at first it was nothing, that Caesare would tire of his little game with you and you would have gained some experience to take into your marriage, Luci. But it seems things have gone too far.’
I felt his eyes bore into my belly. It was clear to me that Caesare had confessed to Father, had told him everything, throwing himself at his mercy in a bid to receive lesser punishment. I could not decide whether this final betrayal was vindictive because I had refused to let him return to my bed. His anger had been so intense the last time we met. He had threatened to tell Father I was pregnant, had threatened to tell him I was a whore, unless I let him in. I opened my mouth to speak, to tell Father that Caesare had raped me. He would not make me take all the blame.
I glanced at my brother and saw the bruises. Blood seeping from his lips and around his mouth, spilled over his once crisp white shirt. He swayed on his feet. He looked hurt, frail and weak. I realised then that he hadn’t told on me; the truth had been beaten from him.
My emotions were in turmoil. I felt pain for him, fear for myself. I was unable to speak, for what defence could I offer? I was a whore; I had committed incest with my brother. The church would condemn us. The very least we could expect was exile and it was unlikely that that would be our only lot.
Father turned to me, his eyes furious. As he stepped forward, his arm raised to strike me, both Guila and Caesare moved in front of me.
‘Don’t hurt her. It was me! All of it my fault, Father. I told you! She was too innocent to understand what was happening,’ Caesare begged. ‘Please, she’s with child. Don’t hurt her. Punish me.’
Caesare threw himself down before our father, who stopped, shocked by the ferocity of his defence of me. His eyes skipped from Caesare to me. Guila held my shaking body against her, her eyes pleading with Father. At that moment she was more a mother to me than she had ever been.
‘Please,’ she begged. ‘She’s merely a child!’
‘Take her out of my sight,’ Father ordered. ‘Caesare, you shall be punished.’
Guila led me away. I looked back once more at Caesare still lying at the feet of our father. Father wore a glazed, somewhat insane expression, as he turned his eyes from me to his kneeling son, who quivered as he waited for the blows to fall.
Guila took me back to my room, where I found two young servant girls packing my clothing and personal possessions into trunks. I burst into tears and Guila took my hand, sending the servants away as she laid me on my bed.
‘Some brothers and sisters do learn about love together,’ Guila told me. ‘But never take things beyond propriety.’
‘Father. . ?’
‘He knows this. And all will be taken care of. He’s brought your wedding date forward again.’ Guila stroked my head.
‘What!’ I tried to sit but she forced me back down.
‘Please don’t be afraid. Your new husband will not be permitted to have you. The marriage will be in name only, Lucrezia, and your father will pay him well for his troubles.’
‘Everyone will know,’ I answered. ‘My condition will become obvious soon.’
‘That is why you and I are going on a trip. We’ll be away for several months. It will coincide with your father’s Papal duties. He needs to do a tour of Italy. All of Rome will think you are with him, but instead you will be doing your confinement in a mountain retreat.’
I fell silent. My shame would be hidden but what of my child?
‘All will be taken care of,’ Guila said again.
I should have felt
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