came back to me once more.
“Rainie, damn it, I love you, but I can’t walk away from The Agency. I can’t. Not now. Please, don’t ask me to choose between it and you, because I can’t do that right now.” He stopped when he saw my reaction. Until this moment, I’d always held out a tiny amount of hope that when faced with the choice, Roc would choose me.
“Someday,” he said softly and I held up a hand.
“Please don’t lie.” I couldn’t let him give me promises he wouldn’t keep and I couldn’t keep from crying.
Roc made love to me many times throughout that night. But he never once said another word about the future.
Just before dawn, I awoke. I was alone in bed. The coolness of the sheets told me he’d been gone for a while.
He left a note telling me to call if I needed anything. But I also knew what Roc wasn’t saying. What I didn’t want to believe, and yet I’d eventually have to accept. We were over.
Neither of us wanted to say it. But we both knew the truth. We were tied to different needs. I needed out. He needed the rush. We’d been foolish to expect a romance like ours to work in the first place. We now faced the biggest challenge of our lives. Surviving our love.
* * * *
I made it a point to be the first to arrive at the next Agency meeting to avoid that awkward first encounter between Roc and myself since our decision to take some time apart.
Roc was sitting at one of the desks going over some paperwork when I walked in. He didn’t know how to react to me. Normally, we never had any reservation about showing each other affection when we were alone, but tonight things were different. We weren’t together anymore.
After the first few strained minutes of silence, while we searched for something to say to each other, I decided this was crazy. Roc was my husband still. And he’d been my friend long before we’d become lovers. We could surely find something to say to each other after all we’d shared together.
I went over and put my arms around him. Roc pulled me close.
“Rainie, I’m sorry about the other night—I mean the way I did things. I could have given you more warning. I just kind of dumped that on you. That wasn’t my intention. It just sort of happened that way. But I do still think it’s a good idea if we take some time away from each other, don’t you?”
“No, you were right, Roc. Things were getting a little out of hand lately. I guess you were right from the beginning. We should have stuck to just being friends. But I want you to know I still love you. No matter what happens between us, I’ll always love you.” I struggled to get those words out through the tightening in my throat.
I was such a fake. I didn’t feel that way at all. I wanted to plead with Roc not to leave me. Wanted to tell him about our child, beg him to help me work things out between us but instead I was silent. I couldn’t force Roc to stay with me, even though I’d spend the rest of my life regretting letting him simply walk away.
I was consumed with so many doubts about all the lies I’d told Roc recently and the things I’d withheld from him that he had a right to know, as my commander if not my husband.
Looking at him for the first time after the way things ended the other night, I knew I would never be free of loving him. Roc was the one. The only one. He’d always be the only one.
I’d never felt this lost before in my life. How could I ever move on without him? Without the most important person in the world to me? In fact, for weeks now I’d been expecting it because I’d been pushing him away for a long time. I told myself that I was strong enough to survive on my own. I’d be okay. I didn’t need any man. That was such a lie.
I sensed that Roc wanted to say something more—something important maybe, but before he could say anything further, Mark interrupted us. For a moment, our eyes met, full of unspoken questions and desires. All of which would have to wait
“Rainie, damn it, I love you, but I can’t walk away from The Agency. I can’t. Not now. Please, don’t ask me to choose between it and you, because I can’t do that right now.” He stopped when he saw my reaction. Until this moment, I’d always held out a tiny amount of hope that when faced with the choice, Roc would choose me.
“Someday,” he said softly and I held up a hand.
“Please don’t lie.” I couldn’t let him give me promises he wouldn’t keep and I couldn’t keep from crying.
Roc made love to me many times throughout that night. But he never once said another word about the future.
Just before dawn, I awoke. I was alone in bed. The coolness of the sheets told me he’d been gone for a while.
He left a note telling me to call if I needed anything. But I also knew what Roc wasn’t saying. What I didn’t want to believe, and yet I’d eventually have to accept. We were over.
Neither of us wanted to say it. But we both knew the truth. We were tied to different needs. I needed out. He needed the rush. We’d been foolish to expect a romance like ours to work in the first place. We now faced the biggest challenge of our lives. Surviving our love.
* * * *
I made it a point to be the first to arrive at the next Agency meeting to avoid that awkward first encounter between Roc and myself since our decision to take some time apart.
Roc was sitting at one of the desks going over some paperwork when I walked in. He didn’t know how to react to me. Normally, we never had any reservation about showing each other affection when we were alone, but tonight things were different. We weren’t together anymore.
After the first few strained minutes of silence, while we searched for something to say to each other, I decided this was crazy. Roc was my husband still. And he’d been my friend long before we’d become lovers. We could surely find something to say to each other after all we’d shared together.
I went over and put my arms around him. Roc pulled me close.
“Rainie, I’m sorry about the other night—I mean the way I did things. I could have given you more warning. I just kind of dumped that on you. That wasn’t my intention. It just sort of happened that way. But I do still think it’s a good idea if we take some time away from each other, don’t you?”
“No, you were right, Roc. Things were getting a little out of hand lately. I guess you were right from the beginning. We should have stuck to just being friends. But I want you to know I still love you. No matter what happens between us, I’ll always love you.” I struggled to get those words out through the tightening in my throat.
I was such a fake. I didn’t feel that way at all. I wanted to plead with Roc not to leave me. Wanted to tell him about our child, beg him to help me work things out between us but instead I was silent. I couldn’t force Roc to stay with me, even though I’d spend the rest of my life regretting letting him simply walk away.
I was consumed with so many doubts about all the lies I’d told Roc recently and the things I’d withheld from him that he had a right to know, as my commander if not my husband.
Looking at him for the first time after the way things ended the other night, I knew I would never be free of loving him. Roc was the one. The only one. He’d always be the only one.
I’d never felt this lost before in my life. How could I ever move on without him? Without the most important person in the world to me? In fact, for weeks now I’d been expecting it because I’d been pushing him away for a long time. I told myself that I was strong enough to survive on my own. I’d be okay. I didn’t need any man. That was such a lie.
I sensed that Roc wanted to say something more—something important maybe, but before he could say anything further, Mark interrupted us. For a moment, our eyes met, full of unspoken questions and desires. All of which would have to wait
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