Fossiloctopus

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Authors: Forrest Aguirre
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cruelty to animals and for violating the terms of my restraining order.  I asked him to recuse himself from the case, as he owns a dog of the same breed as my ex-wife.  Rejected.
     
    “Fluff I” (First in a planned series of five - male Cairn Terrier modifications; rubber cement; soil; semi-precious stones [tiger’s eye, agate, rosy quartz]; dunce cap).  Submitted to County judge 27 December.  Rejected.  Lawyer was no help in this matter.
     
    “Origami Prison” (Diorama; toothpicks; plastic straws; paper; blood).  Submitted to Doctor Raymond Matthews 24 February.  He says he is glad to see that I painted a smile on the “prisoner’s” face (his “quotes”), but that since the mouth and eyes and hair were painted with my blood, he would have to take away all potentially harmful objects for the time being, including this paper and pen.
     
     
     
    Subscription
     
    January:
     
    Another year is upon us and, with it, more quality submarine ephemera and memorabilia. We are excited to offer you the finest pieces we can find and have spent countless hours travelling, negotiating, researching, even diving ourselves to gather these museum-grade collectibles. We start this year's subscription with a very rare find, indeed. Aimee and I travelled to Rimini, in northern Italy, home of Roberto Valturio, who, in 1472, developed his prototype submarine based on drawings in his treatise De Re Militari . There we befriended Vito Vincenzo, a curator at the archaeological museum there. Vincenzo, a devilishly handsome fellow, invited us into a veritable labyrinth of connected rooms, each a treasure trove of historical relics. I became lost in the wonder of it all, time-travelling through storage room after storage room of forgotten objects. In the meantime, my wife, Aimee, negotiated with Vincenzo over the purchase of the shards of Valturio's 1/12 scale prototype, the miniature itself having been crushed in an earthquake in the late 1700s. Each piece of this tragically-splintered model is unique and comes framed in a shadow box with an inscribed plate and certificate of authenticity.
     
    February:
     
    Our trip to France this month yielded a veritable treasure, but before we get to business, let's talk pleasure. It was our pleasure to attend a gathering of maritime aficionados at the Mussée National de la Marine in Toulon. There we met with a who's-who of Naval officers, historians, and enthusiasts from across Europe, many of whom we established contact with in order to offer you, our faithful subscribers, the best in submarine memorabilia. Aimee negotiated hard and furious with several potential clients there, procuring items meant to hold down a certain famous submarine, rather than buoy it up. In 1692, Denis Papin, contemporary of Leibniz, built his second submarine, a metallic oval-bodied craft. Papin and a compatriot loaded the vessel with lead weights to sink it under the surface of the water of the Lahn River. This month, we present our subscribers with a genuine lead weight from that maiden voyage! Each spherical piece is contained in a high-density plastic cube, laser engraved with Papin's signature as found on the original plans for his submersible. A certificate of authenticity, signed by Marcelle Devouant, Deputy Curator of the Mussée National de la Marine is included with each artifact.
     
    March:
     
    We were home for the spring, since this month's selection and verification came to us. I, for one, was glad to be back from our European buying tour. As you know, while we love to travel, we are, at heart, red-blooded Yankees! We're wearing our patriotism on our sleeves with this month's issue, items associated with Intelligent  Whale , a Union submarine that almost fought in the American Civil War. In all, 39 men perished in trials aboard the poorly-named craft, all of which were observed by one Lieutenant Charles Daisher of Maine. One of Daisher's descendants approached us with a most unusual collection: One

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