day goes by that I
don’t think of the men I have seen die. I am pissed that they are gone,
that I didn’t get to say goodbye. I go through each day thinking that
they should be getting to go through their day too. I think of their
families and what it must be like for them. How am I going to get through
my sister being dead? I can’t stop it from happening. I am as
helpless in this as I am when men lay bleeding out before me. Do you
think about what it is going to be like after she’s gone? I know that you
and I are in the same boat now...we are alone. I have always had her to
be my home. I call her from everywhere when I need to be anchored again
and now she is going to be gone.”
My throat is so tight I try to swallow twice before I succeed. Taking in
a big breath through my nose I will my voice to remain strong and my eyes to
hold back the tears. Fraud is what my brain is chanting, knowing that I
will allow myself to be here to experience life without Court. There has
never been a life without her in my head and I have no idea what it might look
like because my soul is just not interested.
“I don’t think about when she is going to be gone. I know I will find
peace.” I almost feel guilty saying it now, knowing that his peace and
mine are very different. I can’t promise him he will find peace or
encourage him to think of the positives like I would with one of my
clients. It is all too real now and I know that no matter what way I try
to look at it, it is all tainted with sadness and grief.
Matt lies back on my bed next to me and kicks his shoes off. He crosses
his arms on his chest and takes a deep breath. “You remember when you
lived across the street?”
I nod my head and scoot over to make more room for him. I should be
uncomfortable with another man in my bed but he feels safe to me. I am
lost in the warmth of another person by me after all these months and I am
starting to not feel so alone.
“I used to watch
you say goodnight to Elliot at the end of your days together. You would
give him a kiss and then jump down from the truck to run up to your front
door. I remember how you would look back at him as he pulled out of the
driveway and then the happiness would fade from your face as he drove
away. I used to get so angry that he never saw that happen. He
would just leave and not notice how unhappy you were without him. He
didn’t deserve you Cait. I would watch from over here and die knowing
that you were going into that house with your drunk mother and your only
happiness was a dirt bag that couldn’t stop to make sure you got in safe.
If he would have just looked back he would have seen how sad you were.”
I lay there next to him not knowing what to say. I never knew he watched
me and I thought the secret of what I was going home to was only known to
Court, my mother and I. It was true what he was saying: Elliot and Court
were my only happiness, which is why I spent so much time with him. “He
couldn’t have saved me from her you know. She was my cross to bare and I don’t blame him for what I had to do. At
least he took me away from that place all day so the nights that I cleaned up
after her couldn’t consume me.” Risking a look at his face I raise my
eyes up to try and meet his. Matt is staring at the ceiling, jaw clenched in anger and I watch as he takes in a deep calming breath.
“I disagree. He could have walked you to the door, or better yet walked
you to your room. It would have held your mother accountable for the mess
that she was. I remember hearing you sneak into Court’s room at night
after cleaning up after your mom. I can remember being able to smell you
in the hall the next morning. Your hair was always wet from the shower
and I would lie in my room waiting for you to leave so that I could watch you
cross the street. I used to be so
don’t think of the men I have seen die. I am pissed that they are gone,
that I didn’t get to say goodbye. I go through each day thinking that
they should be getting to go through their day too. I think of their
families and what it must be like for them. How am I going to get through
my sister being dead? I can’t stop it from happening. I am as
helpless in this as I am when men lay bleeding out before me. Do you
think about what it is going to be like after she’s gone? I know that you
and I are in the same boat now...we are alone. I have always had her to
be my home. I call her from everywhere when I need to be anchored again
and now she is going to be gone.”
My throat is so tight I try to swallow twice before I succeed. Taking in
a big breath through my nose I will my voice to remain strong and my eyes to
hold back the tears. Fraud is what my brain is chanting, knowing that I
will allow myself to be here to experience life without Court. There has
never been a life without her in my head and I have no idea what it might look
like because my soul is just not interested.
“I don’t think about when she is going to be gone. I know I will find
peace.” I almost feel guilty saying it now, knowing that his peace and
mine are very different. I can’t promise him he will find peace or
encourage him to think of the positives like I would with one of my
clients. It is all too real now and I know that no matter what way I try
to look at it, it is all tainted with sadness and grief.
Matt lies back on my bed next to me and kicks his shoes off. He crosses
his arms on his chest and takes a deep breath. “You remember when you
lived across the street?”
I nod my head and scoot over to make more room for him. I should be
uncomfortable with another man in my bed but he feels safe to me. I am
lost in the warmth of another person by me after all these months and I am
starting to not feel so alone.
“I used to watch
you say goodnight to Elliot at the end of your days together. You would
give him a kiss and then jump down from the truck to run up to your front
door. I remember how you would look back at him as he pulled out of the
driveway and then the happiness would fade from your face as he drove
away. I used to get so angry that he never saw that happen. He
would just leave and not notice how unhappy you were without him. He
didn’t deserve you Cait. I would watch from over here and die knowing
that you were going into that house with your drunk mother and your only
happiness was a dirt bag that couldn’t stop to make sure you got in safe.
If he would have just looked back he would have seen how sad you were.”
I lay there next to him not knowing what to say. I never knew he watched
me and I thought the secret of what I was going home to was only known to
Court, my mother and I. It was true what he was saying: Elliot and Court
were my only happiness, which is why I spent so much time with him. “He
couldn’t have saved me from her you know. She was my cross to bare and I don’t blame him for what I had to do. At
least he took me away from that place all day so the nights that I cleaned up
after her couldn’t consume me.” Risking a look at his face I raise my
eyes up to try and meet his. Matt is staring at the ceiling, jaw clenched in anger and I watch as he takes in a deep calming breath.
“I disagree. He could have walked you to the door, or better yet walked
you to your room. It would have held your mother accountable for the mess
that she was. I remember hearing you sneak into Court’s room at night
after cleaning up after your mom. I can remember being able to smell you
in the hall the next morning. Your hair was always wet from the shower
and I would lie in my room waiting for you to leave so that I could watch you
cross the street. I used to be so
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