stop. And I don’t want him to stop. I press my thighs together. This is so going in a bad, bad, bad direction.
Cassie laughs. “Damn girl. What is wrong with you? I’ve never seen you act like this about…well, actually I haven’t exactly seen you with a guy before, but I didn’t think you’d ask like this.”
Dolly stares into my face. “You totally kissed him.”
“I didn’t,” I whisper.
Dolly rubs her hands together. “Yeah, and a few moments you didn’t want to admit there was even a guy!”
“Dolly’s right. Own up. You’re blushing hardcore,” Cassie says.
I gaze longingly at the pillow on the floor. Maybe I could dive into it.
Dolly kicks the pillow away.
I can’t believe how mean they are! “You guys…”
“Not gonna work,” Cassie says.
I clamp my mouth shut.
Dolly glances at Cassie. “Cue the movie. Anna, grab her shirt.”
The tears! No, they couldn’t be serious. “You guys, this is kind of going overboard…”
“You need to tell us. We’re friends,” Anna says, gazing into my eyes like I’d just shot Bambi’s mom.
“Best friends,” Cassie says, flicking on the TV. Static glows before my eyes. All I can see is the outline of her back.
“Alright, alright, there was a guy,” I stammer.
“Uh huh.” Dolly grins. “And?”
“And…” and what? I didn’t know this guy’s name. I didn’t know anything about him. What could I say that would make sense?
“She’s trying to think up a lie,” Anna notes.
How did sweet Anna know that?
“You should just tell us the truth, babe. Get it over with fast. It’s like ripping off a band-aid,” Dolly says.
“You guys are making this really scary!” I wail.
“It shouldn’t be scary!” Dolly raises her hands. “I tell you all about the guys I date.”
“Yeah but…”
Dolly raises a brow. “But what?” she asks, daring me to say something.
“Like nothing,” I mumble as she flashes a victorious grin.
Anna grabs my shirt. “You ready to tell us?”
“Yeah,” Cassie moans. “I thought you trusted us!”
It was a low blow. I did trust them. They were my closest friends, and apart from Molly, my family. They meant everything to me. Which was why I couldn’t tell them this.
This relationship went against everything I knew was right. No one would ever understand it. I mean…God, just thinking it made me feel like a fool. If I heard another girl talk about how she slept with a guy who’d written her letters for years and wore a mask—a guy she knew nothing about—I would think she needed help.
Maybe I do need help , I think as I ball my fists in my pants.
“I don’t want you guys to read too much into this,” I say, trying to keep my voice light. It’s hard because I’ve thought so much about him already that it’s difficult to separate my fantasy from reality.
And, more than that, maybe I don’t want to separate them.
“Okay, we won’t,” Cassie says as Anna and Dolly nod.
I open my mouth and start frowning. Can I really do this? “I, uh, I met a guy that I like.”
The three of them edge closer, unable to keep their excitement from spilling over.
“How long ago did you meet him?” Anna asks. “Like, three years ago at—”
“She already said it wasn’t David!” Dolly interrupts.
What is all this about David? “It isn’t David,” I confirm.
Cassie’s eyes fall again. “Well, what’s his name? Is he nice?”
What’s his name? Oh shit! I can’t say I don’t know, can I? And why the hell don’t I know his name? Why hasn’t this bothered me before?
Dolly’s eyes narrow. “Do you know this guy’s name?”
Oh fuck. How did she guess so quickly? Maybe because she hooks up with guys without knowing their name. “No. I know it, I just…”
“Well, what is it then?” Cassie asks.
“Um…”
Dolly’s eyes are little slivers. I feel them stabbing into me.
I say the first name that pops into my head. “Derrick.”
“Derrick,” Cassie repeats softly,
Cassie laughs. “Damn girl. What is wrong with you? I’ve never seen you act like this about…well, actually I haven’t exactly seen you with a guy before, but I didn’t think you’d ask like this.”
Dolly stares into my face. “You totally kissed him.”
“I didn’t,” I whisper.
Dolly rubs her hands together. “Yeah, and a few moments you didn’t want to admit there was even a guy!”
“Dolly’s right. Own up. You’re blushing hardcore,” Cassie says.
I gaze longingly at the pillow on the floor. Maybe I could dive into it.
Dolly kicks the pillow away.
I can’t believe how mean they are! “You guys…”
“Not gonna work,” Cassie says.
I clamp my mouth shut.
Dolly glances at Cassie. “Cue the movie. Anna, grab her shirt.”
The tears! No, they couldn’t be serious. “You guys, this is kind of going overboard…”
“You need to tell us. We’re friends,” Anna says, gazing into my eyes like I’d just shot Bambi’s mom.
“Best friends,” Cassie says, flicking on the TV. Static glows before my eyes. All I can see is the outline of her back.
“Alright, alright, there was a guy,” I stammer.
“Uh huh.” Dolly grins. “And?”
“And…” and what? I didn’t know this guy’s name. I didn’t know anything about him. What could I say that would make sense?
“She’s trying to think up a lie,” Anna notes.
How did sweet Anna know that?
“You should just tell us the truth, babe. Get it over with fast. It’s like ripping off a band-aid,” Dolly says.
“You guys are making this really scary!” I wail.
“It shouldn’t be scary!” Dolly raises her hands. “I tell you all about the guys I date.”
“Yeah but…”
Dolly raises a brow. “But what?” she asks, daring me to say something.
“Like nothing,” I mumble as she flashes a victorious grin.
Anna grabs my shirt. “You ready to tell us?”
“Yeah,” Cassie moans. “I thought you trusted us!”
It was a low blow. I did trust them. They were my closest friends, and apart from Molly, my family. They meant everything to me. Which was why I couldn’t tell them this.
This relationship went against everything I knew was right. No one would ever understand it. I mean…God, just thinking it made me feel like a fool. If I heard another girl talk about how she slept with a guy who’d written her letters for years and wore a mask—a guy she knew nothing about—I would think she needed help.
Maybe I do need help , I think as I ball my fists in my pants.
“I don’t want you guys to read too much into this,” I say, trying to keep my voice light. It’s hard because I’ve thought so much about him already that it’s difficult to separate my fantasy from reality.
And, more than that, maybe I don’t want to separate them.
“Okay, we won’t,” Cassie says as Anna and Dolly nod.
I open my mouth and start frowning. Can I really do this? “I, uh, I met a guy that I like.”
The three of them edge closer, unable to keep their excitement from spilling over.
“How long ago did you meet him?” Anna asks. “Like, three years ago at—”
“She already said it wasn’t David!” Dolly interrupts.
What is all this about David? “It isn’t David,” I confirm.
Cassie’s eyes fall again. “Well, what’s his name? Is he nice?”
What’s his name? Oh shit! I can’t say I don’t know, can I? And why the hell don’t I know his name? Why hasn’t this bothered me before?
Dolly’s eyes narrow. “Do you know this guy’s name?”
Oh fuck. How did she guess so quickly? Maybe because she hooks up with guys without knowing their name. “No. I know it, I just…”
“Well, what is it then?” Cassie asks.
“Um…”
Dolly’s eyes are little slivers. I feel them stabbing into me.
I say the first name that pops into my head. “Derrick.”
“Derrick,” Cassie repeats softly,
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