Read Online Fifty Shades of Chicken: A Parody in a Cookbook by F.L. Fowler - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: F.L. Fowler
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with resignation. “This morning the condiment is optional. You don’t need it anyway.” He adds, “Even if the other Ingredient could use it.”
Other Ingredient? What’s he up to now?
“You’re pairing me?” I ask suspiciously.
“Yeah, baby.” He quirks his lips into a crooked smile. “Taters.”
chicken hash with sweet potatoes
SERVES 4
1¼ pounds sweet potatoes, peeled and diced into ½-inch cubes
4 tablespoons unsalted butter
1 teaspoon coarse kosher salt
¼ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1 small onion, chopped
1 small green bell pepper, seeded and diced
2 garlic cloves, minced
2 cups cooked, diced chicken meat
Pinch of crushed red pepper flakes
2 scallions, white and green parts sliced, for garnish (optional)
Fried eggs, for serving (optional)
Ketchup, for serving (optional)
1 Bring a large pot of water to a boil and add the sweet potatoes. Par-cook until halfway done, about 5 minutes. Drain, then spread out on a clean dish towel to dry.
2 Melt half the butter in a large skillet and add the sweet potatoes and half the salt and pepper. Let cook without stirring, until the potatoes brown on one side, then turn and brown well on the other side, about 10 minutes. Transfer to a plate.
3 Add the remaining butter to the skillet and sauté the onion, bell pepper, and garlic until tender and golden around the edges, about 7 minutes. Add the chicken and crushed red pepper flakes and sauté until the chicken starts to brown. Return the potatoes to the pan and sauté until everything is well mixed and golden, taking care not to crush the potatoes too much.
4 Serve the hash topped with scallions and a fried egg and ketchup on the side, if you like.
Go Get the Butter Breasts
W hat is this?” I ask, horrified. The machine is sleek and silver and rather beautiful. It has a big gift bow on it. I stare at it blankly. How can this possibly be for me?
He smiles proudly. “This, Miss Hen, is your new in-chamber vacuum sealer.”
Sealer? “I like the packaging I came in,” I say weakly.
“That plastic sack,” he says with distaste, “is an amoeba playground. It’s not safe. I’ve disposed of it. This machine has an anaerobic gas flush that will protect you and keep you from spoiling.”
“I’m perfectly fresh as I am.” I had enough trouble with the fancy spices, and now this? Why is he such a control freak?
“You are quite fresh. But you’ve been looking thin, Miss Hen. You look like you’ve lost five ounces, possibly more, in the last two days. I told you, I need you juicy, and to be juicy you must preserve your water and fat content.”
He thinks I’m scrawny. And maybe even spoiled. My inner goddess flips him the bird. Let him watch his own damn fat content. I know there will be hell to pay, but I cluck audibly.
“No, I can’t accept this,” I cluck.
His eyes darken. He looks at me with that intense gaze that makes me feel agonizingly self-conscious. Am I too lean?
“Very well,” he says quietly.
“Don’t be angry with me.”
His expression is hooded, halfway between fury and something else. I long for him to put his hands on me, and I can see him staring hungrily at my breast. My vitals ooze with raw desire.
“You are a most disobedient Ingredient, Miss Hen.” He quirks his mouth into a crooked smile.
He grabs a sheet of foil. Oh yes. I know he won’t let me win that easily, and that what’s coming next will be rough and hot. Longing lubricates my nether parts.
I’m too lean for you? Nothing a stick of butter won’t cure.
sautéed chicken breasts with aromatic brown butter and hazelnuts
SERVES 2 TO 4
1 teaspoon coriander seeds
2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts (about 8 ounces each), patted dry with paper towels
1 teaspoon coarse kosher salt
¾ teaspoon finely grated orange zest (from 1 small orange)
¼ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
¼ teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg
2 tablespoons unsalted butter
2 tablespoons chopped,
Other Ingredient? What’s he up to now?
“You’re pairing me?” I ask suspiciously.
“Yeah, baby.” He quirks his lips into a crooked smile. “Taters.”
chicken hash with sweet potatoes
SERVES 4
1¼ pounds sweet potatoes, peeled and diced into ½-inch cubes
4 tablespoons unsalted butter
1 teaspoon coarse kosher salt
¼ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1 small onion, chopped
1 small green bell pepper, seeded and diced
2 garlic cloves, minced
2 cups cooked, diced chicken meat
Pinch of crushed red pepper flakes
2 scallions, white and green parts sliced, for garnish (optional)
Fried eggs, for serving (optional)
Ketchup, for serving (optional)
1 Bring a large pot of water to a boil and add the sweet potatoes. Par-cook until halfway done, about 5 minutes. Drain, then spread out on a clean dish towel to dry.
2 Melt half the butter in a large skillet and add the sweet potatoes and half the salt and pepper. Let cook without stirring, until the potatoes brown on one side, then turn and brown well on the other side, about 10 minutes. Transfer to a plate.
3 Add the remaining butter to the skillet and sauté the onion, bell pepper, and garlic until tender and golden around the edges, about 7 minutes. Add the chicken and crushed red pepper flakes and sauté until the chicken starts to brown. Return the potatoes to the pan and sauté until everything is well mixed and golden, taking care not to crush the potatoes too much.
4 Serve the hash topped with scallions and a fried egg and ketchup on the side, if you like.
Go Get the Butter Breasts
W hat is this?” I ask, horrified. The machine is sleek and silver and rather beautiful. It has a big gift bow on it. I stare at it blankly. How can this possibly be for me?
He smiles proudly. “This, Miss Hen, is your new in-chamber vacuum sealer.”
Sealer? “I like the packaging I came in,” I say weakly.
“That plastic sack,” he says with distaste, “is an amoeba playground. It’s not safe. I’ve disposed of it. This machine has an anaerobic gas flush that will protect you and keep you from spoiling.”
“I’m perfectly fresh as I am.” I had enough trouble with the fancy spices, and now this? Why is he such a control freak?
“You are quite fresh. But you’ve been looking thin, Miss Hen. You look like you’ve lost five ounces, possibly more, in the last two days. I told you, I need you juicy, and to be juicy you must preserve your water and fat content.”
He thinks I’m scrawny. And maybe even spoiled. My inner goddess flips him the bird. Let him watch his own damn fat content. I know there will be hell to pay, but I cluck audibly.
“No, I can’t accept this,” I cluck.
His eyes darken. He looks at me with that intense gaze that makes me feel agonizingly self-conscious. Am I too lean?
“Very well,” he says quietly.
“Don’t be angry with me.”
His expression is hooded, halfway between fury and something else. I long for him to put his hands on me, and I can see him staring hungrily at my breast. My vitals ooze with raw desire.
“You are a most disobedient Ingredient, Miss Hen.” He quirks his mouth into a crooked smile.
He grabs a sheet of foil. Oh yes. I know he won’t let me win that easily, and that what’s coming next will be rough and hot. Longing lubricates my nether parts.
I’m too lean for you? Nothing a stick of butter won’t cure.
sautéed chicken breasts with aromatic brown butter and hazelnuts
SERVES 2 TO 4
1 teaspoon coriander seeds
2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts (about 8 ounces each), patted dry with paper towels
1 teaspoon coarse kosher salt
¾ teaspoon finely grated orange zest (from 1 small orange)
¼ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
¼ teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg
2 tablespoons unsalted butter
2 tablespoons chopped,
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