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appearance before a judge who doesn’t care that my ex-husband is in jailand left me penniless. Oh, and when I show up for work tomorrow? I have one boss who needs me to babysit his twenty-two-year-old wacko stepdaughter, and another who might chop me into little pieces because she thinks I’ve been spreading rumors about her. So how can I possibly help a drowning man when I’d like to jump in with him?”
    “What if I made this worth your while?”
    “You mean pay me?”
    “A thousand dollars.”
    “Are you serious? Just to go out with your brother-in-law? That’s insane.”
    “Fifteen hundred. Final offer.”
    “I get it. Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, the home game…Look, I may be broke, but I am not going to prostitute myself…Oh my God…that’s it, isn’t it? He’s been laid up for months but hasn’t been laid, and you thought, What the hell, he’s horny, she needs cash…”
    “I’m sorry. It’s nothing like that…Okay, look. This may sound selfish, but I’m very worried about Seth. With the baby coming, I wanted this to be a really happy time for us, but he’s so worried about Kenny, he’s not thinking about anything else. So I thought, maybe if we fixed him up with someone like you who’s really pretty and funny…it could turn everything around.”
    “You think I’m pretty?”
    “Oh my God, yes. Don’t you know that? The blue eyes? The high cheekbones?”
    “To be honest, my life is such a mess right now, I don’t know anything anymore.”
    “Really? I told Seth I thought you’d be great together. You have so much in common.”
    “Like what? We’re both righties?”
    “No silly. That you’re both so funny…I’m sure you’ll find lots of stuff to talk about. Where did you grow up?”
    “Fair Lawn, New Jersey. Oh. But I was born on Long Island.”
    “Really? So was he. The family’s from Oceanside.”
    “Are you serious? That’s where I was born. But we moved when I was four.”
    “See? Okay, where did you go to school?”
    “Penn State.”
    “Oh my God. Him too.”
    “Stop.”
    “I’m serious. But then he transferred.”
    “Really. When was he there?”
    “Gosh, I don’t know. But he’s thirty-three now, so he would have been there in—”
    “I’m thirty-three.”
    “Didn’t I say you had so much in common?”
    “Yes, but if he’s so gung-ho about being fixed up, why can’t he call me?”
    “Oh, he’s not gung-ho. I am. You know guys. Totally clueless.”
    “Then forget it.”
    “He’s just nervous…he got dumped recently. He needs a tiny, little push.”
    “Let me save you some time and me some aggravation. Men don’t like being pushed.”
    “I know. So when you call, don’t say anything about a date. Make something up. Maybe you got his name from Penn State. Yes, that’s it. You’re on the reunion committee and—”
    “You just said he transferred.”
    “Oh. Good point…But it’s fine. He’ll say there’s a mistake and you’ll just keep talking.”
    “Look, I may do a whole thing about lying in my act, but I’m a very honest person.”
    “Fine. Tell him the truth. Your ex is in prison, you are so in debt a judge might throw you in jail with him, you live with your mother, your job requires powdering people’s faces, andto make ends meet, you stand in front of strangers making a complete fool out of yourself.”
    “Wow. My life does suck…Okay, I’ll call. But I’m not taking the money.”
    “Why not?”
    “Because, Madeline. These days I’m so broke, I have to return everything I buy.”

Chapter 6
    Woman: I got this wonderful bottle of wine for my husband.
    Friend: Great trade!
    I MARRIED D AVID FORTUNE on my thirtieth birthday, certain I had given myself the greatest gift ever. He was a six-four fair-haired lad with a resilient laugh and a strapping hug that could knock the demons from my soul. He was quick on his feet, fast with his wit, and deferential to all.
    He was also a man’s man, whether wearing his North Face