didnât switch on the lights but went straight through the dark hallway to her bedroom and shut the door.
I passed the night in an abyss of longing. I had rejected my mother in childhood and built a fortress inside me. Now, I think, she was protecting herself; any day I could be dead.
A week later, in mid-sentence while I spoke to a cashier in the supermarket, my heart stopped. I fell to the floor and all went black.
12 . Phase Zero
All psychiatry patients are put into Phase One upon admission. They graduate phases until they reach Phase Four when they are discharged and released back into the world and into their roles and routines, the offices and households from which their damaged selves were plucked. In each phase, there is a set of rules that patients must abide by.
All patients, upon admission, are put into Phase Oneâexcept for me. My mental disorder was determined to be unusually unyielding. It was triggered not by brain chemicals or a genetic condition. My madness was simply the pure and irrational urge to undo nature. For me, a special Phase was createdâPhase Zero. These Phase rules were tailored just for me here at PACU:
      PHASE ZERO: Bed rest. Solitary confinement. Door closed except for meal times. No visitors, no phone calls. No reading or writing materials. No TV or radio. No bathroom privileges. Bedpan use in room only. Showers permitted ninety minutes after meals.
      PHASE ONE: Solitary confinement. Door can remain open. No visitors. No reading or writing materials. Access to PACU lounge once daily for ten minutes. Two phone calls weekly, maximum ten minutes. No bathroom privileges.Bedpan use in room only. Showers permitted ninety minutes after meals.
      PHASE TWO: Visitors permitted once a week. No reading or writing materials. Access to PACU lounge twice daily for fifteen minutes. Four phone calls a week, maximum fifteen minutes each. Limited bathroom access. Showers permitted ninety minutes after meals.
      PHASE THREE: Bathroom and PACU lounge access. Showers permitted at anytime. Reading and writing materials permitted. Unlimited phone calls and visitors allowed.
         Daily caloric intake: 3,000 calories (3 daily meals + 2 cans of Ensure)
         3 pound weight gain on weight day: Graduate a phase
         Less than 3 pound weight gain on weight day: Lose a phase
I had been in the PACU for four weeks. My weight gain hovered between 1.2 and 2.2 pounds at every weight day, so I was still in Phase Zero. I now weighed 71.21 pounds.
The only therapy offered to me was with Dr Messer during rounds and with my nurse, who sat with me for a few minutes each day so she could have something to report, then call it a day. Fortunately, after a month, I was no longer obliged to attend weekly group therapy sessions with other patients on the fourth floor. In the last session Iâd attended, a patient pointed at me, called me âskinny bitch,â accused me of taking up a valuable bed, and said I was starving myself just for attention.
Being in solitary confinement suited me just fine. I used those forty-five minutes a week no longer wasted in group therapy to plot ways to get rid of as many calories I could. I had been secretly hoarding away food, stocking it up under the mattress and furniture and floor tiles. Thanks to my regular routine of secretly hiding food and emptying all light-coloured liquids into the bedpan, I had been doing away with thousands of calories. There was probably enough food in my room to feed the entire floor. Most mornings, during my late-morning shower, I could manage to sneak out only a few itemsâa few slices of toast, a muffinâwhich I concealed in my skimpy towel and buried in the deep and ample bathroom garbage bin. I calculated that I had been doing away with 1,500
I passed the night in an abyss of longing. I had rejected my mother in childhood and built a fortress inside me. Now, I think, she was protecting herself; any day I could be dead.
A week later, in mid-sentence while I spoke to a cashier in the supermarket, my heart stopped. I fell to the floor and all went black.
12 . Phase Zero
All psychiatry patients are put into Phase One upon admission. They graduate phases until they reach Phase Four when they are discharged and released back into the world and into their roles and routines, the offices and households from which their damaged selves were plucked. In each phase, there is a set of rules that patients must abide by.
All patients, upon admission, are put into Phase Oneâexcept for me. My mental disorder was determined to be unusually unyielding. It was triggered not by brain chemicals or a genetic condition. My madness was simply the pure and irrational urge to undo nature. For me, a special Phase was createdâPhase Zero. These Phase rules were tailored just for me here at PACU:
      PHASE ZERO: Bed rest. Solitary confinement. Door closed except for meal times. No visitors, no phone calls. No reading or writing materials. No TV or radio. No bathroom privileges. Bedpan use in room only. Showers permitted ninety minutes after meals.
      PHASE ONE: Solitary confinement. Door can remain open. No visitors. No reading or writing materials. Access to PACU lounge once daily for ten minutes. Two phone calls weekly, maximum ten minutes. No bathroom privileges.Bedpan use in room only. Showers permitted ninety minutes after meals.
      PHASE TWO: Visitors permitted once a week. No reading or writing materials. Access to PACU lounge twice daily for fifteen minutes. Four phone calls a week, maximum fifteen minutes each. Limited bathroom access. Showers permitted ninety minutes after meals.
      PHASE THREE: Bathroom and PACU lounge access. Showers permitted at anytime. Reading and writing materials permitted. Unlimited phone calls and visitors allowed.
         Daily caloric intake: 3,000 calories (3 daily meals + 2 cans of Ensure)
         3 pound weight gain on weight day: Graduate a phase
         Less than 3 pound weight gain on weight day: Lose a phase
I had been in the PACU for four weeks. My weight gain hovered between 1.2 and 2.2 pounds at every weight day, so I was still in Phase Zero. I now weighed 71.21 pounds.
The only therapy offered to me was with Dr Messer during rounds and with my nurse, who sat with me for a few minutes each day so she could have something to report, then call it a day. Fortunately, after a month, I was no longer obliged to attend weekly group therapy sessions with other patients on the fourth floor. In the last session Iâd attended, a patient pointed at me, called me âskinny bitch,â accused me of taking up a valuable bed, and said I was starving myself just for attention.
Being in solitary confinement suited me just fine. I used those forty-five minutes a week no longer wasted in group therapy to plot ways to get rid of as many calories I could. I had been secretly hoarding away food, stocking it up under the mattress and furniture and floor tiles. Thanks to my regular routine of secretly hiding food and emptying all light-coloured liquids into the bedpan, I had been doing away with thousands of calories. There was probably enough food in my room to feed the entire floor. Most mornings, during my late-morning shower, I could manage to sneak out only a few itemsâa few slices of toast, a muffinâwhich I concealed in my skimpy towel and buried in the deep and ample bathroom garbage bin. I calculated that I had been doing away with 1,500
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