Read Online Eyeheart Everything by Kevin Sampsell, Mykle Hansen, Ed Stastny, Kevin Kirkbride - Free Book Online Page A

people who have the Nikes on have an automatic advantage in any of these climbing situations, and that’s when I realize that I’m wearing only my underwear, and this pair of little fuzzy duck slippers, slippers that are shaped like ducks — and there’s occasionally people in suits falling, from above, on down towards the bottom of the stair shaft, and they don’t scream or say anything, they just plummet on down and you never hear them hit. None of the guys with the jogging suits have fallen yet at that point, although you can see how even they eventually would. So I’m passing people on the right, where they get to cling to the wall and I have to go around them, and it’s not impossible to do, it’s not like they’re going to exactly push me, but they all seem kind of pissed-off and offended and irritated that when I pass them I stand so close, invading their personal space when I’m passing them, and I touch one guy accidentally and he sort of shoves me as I pass him and I freak out and almost lose my balance, but I don’t. And I can tell that the stairs are still retracting, and the funny thing is that I remember that this particular super-modern office building is designed with Self-Cleaning Stairs, and that there’s all these signs above all the doors that say to Stay Out Of The Stairwell During The Cleaning Cycle, but when the copying job fell in my IN box on my desk in my cube, I forgot to check the clock ... anyway I have to finally pass one of these big phalanxes of like ten guys in Nikes and jogging suits, the suits are all the same color, red, with stripes down the sleeves and legs and with high collars held tight with two metal snaps on each neck, they’re jogging down the steps in single file, and they come towards me and yell “Stand to the right!” but there’s no room, so I turn around and run back downwards aways until I get to the base of the 36th floor, and I duck in the door there, just moments before these joggers shove me into the abyss. But in there ... well, that part’s weird, but after a while I get out again and ... no, well, it’s kind of sexual, that’s all. Well, no, it’s gross. No really. You don’t want to hear about that stuff. I’m boring you, aren’t I? Really? Okay ... well, stop me when it gets too gross for you then, but I open this door and inside there’s this long wood-paneled hallway, with rows of flowers on either side of the hallway, it’s like a very fancy reception area, and I go up to the desk at the end and it’s this receptionist who’s got like no clothes on, at all, just one of those phone headsets. Yeah and ... no, I didn’t “do” her! Shut up! I’m so sure! No, I just said ... I’m telling you, okay, just listen, so I’m all, ahem, Hello there miss, I was just dropping by to get out of the Stairway Cleaning Cycle, and she smiles, and she’s all Oh yeah, the Cleaning Cycle, I hate that, isn’t it a drag? Feel free to wait here in our waiting area as long as you like. Can I get you some Maxwell House International Blend? We have Irish Cream, Italian Zest, Swedish Romp, etc, etc? And I’m like, Well, thanks very much ma’am but I’ve got this very important photocopying job I’ve just got to get back to the head office upstairs, and do you know if there’s any way at all that I can get up there while the stairwell is closed? And she goes Welllll, and then she looks around, and then she whispers to me, There’s an executive elevator that we’re not supposed to use, but I know the combination, come around here, and then she ducks under her desk, and I wait for her to sit back up, but she doesn’t, and when I look around behind her desk I see there’s a little door down there, and when I crawl through the door I’m in a tiny, tiny room, and she’s there too, and she’s still naked and I’m still in my underwear ... and she presses the number 37 on the wall, and there’s a ding, and then I climb out the door and I’m in my