covered every window, I looked at my television and knew it had some kind of video camera lodged in there, watching my every move. So I draped a blanket over it.
“Yes,” I whispered.
After outsmarting the spies and checking the lock on my front door a hundred times, I curled up in a ball on my bed and thought about everything. I thought about Taylor and Sadie. I compared their lives, wondering who was dealt the worst cards.
“Get out of this,” Taylor said.
“No, you need the money. You need Andy. You’re nothing without him,” Sadie argued back.
The two of them bickered aloud until I realized I was having a conversation with myself. I laughed so hard I literally peed my pants. The pee burned so bad because my body had been so torn and stretched. I looked at the ceiling as my laugh turned to weeping. Life felt like one of those mirror mazes at the amusement park. Nowhere to turn but to Andy, and he only shoved me in front of a camera so he could make money off me.
I pulled my damp legs to my chest and cried like I did when I saw Daddy’s dead body in a casket. My weeping continued even when my eyes had no more tears to give. So I wept with dry eyes until I fell asleep.
But even my dreams tormented me.
THE NEXT MORNING I WOKE UP CRAVING COLA, BUT STAYED in bed and stared at the ceiling instead. Andy called several times, but I didn’t pick up. Instead I thought about running away. I wanted to stop doing drugs, stop making porn movies, and get back to being Taylor, the girl no one knew. But I thought for sure Andy would kill me if he found me. So I needed a plan, a good plan.
Yeah, I just didn’t know what that plan would be. I didn’t know anyone else. No one cared. Mom hadn’t picked up her phone since I left, except that one time her boyfriend hung up on me. And after being fondled by one too many of her boyfriends, I didn’t care to go back there.
I looked around the room for an answer.
And on my dresser, five feet away, Cola begged to drown my sorrow.
“I can take you above life, make everything golden,” Cola said.
No, no. I couldn’t. But I wanted to. I really, really wanted to.
I stood and walked to the dresser. Cola stared up at me, longing to be inside of me, like everyone else. But no one, not one person, ever wanted to be inside my heart.
I snatched Cola from my dresser. “Why do you use me?” I cried. “Why do you pretend to care? What kind of best friend are you?”
I threw Cola on the floor and collapsed onto my knees. “Why do I still want you? Why do I still want Andy?” I pounded the floor, crying until I couldn’t breathe.
Everything felt numb, from my hands to my heart. Life seemed pointless, but I needed to keep going. I couldn’t let Andy down. Maybe, I thought, maybe he’ll let me stop. Maybe I can work behind the scenes with him instead. Happily ever after, right?
Couldn’t hurt to ask.
Chapter 11 Ally
Toes in the blades of grass, I sat in our backyard and watched the lush trees sway above me, kissed by golden streaks of sunlight. The weeks, so fast, carried me into the future, a future so unknown, so different and divested of a life once filled with love—true, romantic, unbridled love.
Jessie stepped outside in yesterday’s clothes and a smile. Two weeks passed since I saw that woman leave our house. And I chose to believe him, even if he lied. Sometimes, like then, it felt better to believe a lie than to question it.
He sat beside me. “I feel good about the future.”
I forced a smile.
“I feel like we’re finally starting to get somewhere.”
I didn’t. And even though I decided to believe him about that girl hopping away from our house, I still wondered sometimes if she shared my husband with me. The thought gave me chills.
“Hey.” He took my hand. “I’d like to take you out to dinner tonight.”
I nodded. Jessie squeezed my shoulder and stood, walked away, then came back with a bowl of Raisin Bran. Out of the corner of my eye I
“Yes,” I whispered.
After outsmarting the spies and checking the lock on my front door a hundred times, I curled up in a ball on my bed and thought about everything. I thought about Taylor and Sadie. I compared their lives, wondering who was dealt the worst cards.
“Get out of this,” Taylor said.
“No, you need the money. You need Andy. You’re nothing without him,” Sadie argued back.
The two of them bickered aloud until I realized I was having a conversation with myself. I laughed so hard I literally peed my pants. The pee burned so bad because my body had been so torn and stretched. I looked at the ceiling as my laugh turned to weeping. Life felt like one of those mirror mazes at the amusement park. Nowhere to turn but to Andy, and he only shoved me in front of a camera so he could make money off me.
I pulled my damp legs to my chest and cried like I did when I saw Daddy’s dead body in a casket. My weeping continued even when my eyes had no more tears to give. So I wept with dry eyes until I fell asleep.
But even my dreams tormented me.
THE NEXT MORNING I WOKE UP CRAVING COLA, BUT STAYED in bed and stared at the ceiling instead. Andy called several times, but I didn’t pick up. Instead I thought about running away. I wanted to stop doing drugs, stop making porn movies, and get back to being Taylor, the girl no one knew. But I thought for sure Andy would kill me if he found me. So I needed a plan, a good plan.
Yeah, I just didn’t know what that plan would be. I didn’t know anyone else. No one cared. Mom hadn’t picked up her phone since I left, except that one time her boyfriend hung up on me. And after being fondled by one too many of her boyfriends, I didn’t care to go back there.
I looked around the room for an answer.
And on my dresser, five feet away, Cola begged to drown my sorrow.
“I can take you above life, make everything golden,” Cola said.
No, no. I couldn’t. But I wanted to. I really, really wanted to.
I stood and walked to the dresser. Cola stared up at me, longing to be inside of me, like everyone else. But no one, not one person, ever wanted to be inside my heart.
I snatched Cola from my dresser. “Why do you use me?” I cried. “Why do you pretend to care? What kind of best friend are you?”
I threw Cola on the floor and collapsed onto my knees. “Why do I still want you? Why do I still want Andy?” I pounded the floor, crying until I couldn’t breathe.
Everything felt numb, from my hands to my heart. Life seemed pointless, but I needed to keep going. I couldn’t let Andy down. Maybe, I thought, maybe he’ll let me stop. Maybe I can work behind the scenes with him instead. Happily ever after, right?
Couldn’t hurt to ask.
Chapter 11 Ally
Toes in the blades of grass, I sat in our backyard and watched the lush trees sway above me, kissed by golden streaks of sunlight. The weeks, so fast, carried me into the future, a future so unknown, so different and divested of a life once filled with love—true, romantic, unbridled love.
Jessie stepped outside in yesterday’s clothes and a smile. Two weeks passed since I saw that woman leave our house. And I chose to believe him, even if he lied. Sometimes, like then, it felt better to believe a lie than to question it.
He sat beside me. “I feel good about the future.”
I forced a smile.
“I feel like we’re finally starting to get somewhere.”
I didn’t. And even though I decided to believe him about that girl hopping away from our house, I still wondered sometimes if she shared my husband with me. The thought gave me chills.
“Hey.” He took my hand. “I’d like to take you out to dinner tonight.”
I nodded. Jessie squeezed my shoulder and stood, walked away, then came back with a bowl of Raisin Bran. Out of the corner of my eye I
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