Read Online Etiquette and Vitriol by Nicky Silver - Free Book Online Page B

liked the cat-o’-nine-tails! He even liked the candle wax!
    AMANDA: STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!
    SERGE: He told me we had something special! He told me that he loved me!!
    AMANDA (Bitter) : When was that?
    SERGE: Over and over!
    AMANDA: Oh?
    SERGE: If not in so many words—
    AMANDA: Well, Mr.—Serge, he told me he loved me over and over, last night, IN so many words!
    SERGE (Mock casual) : Really?
    AMANDA: YES! Because Ford and I are MARRIED and we DO love each other! So whatever sick, twisted hold you’ve had on my husband is broken! He clearly regrets having met you and has decided to stay HERE, with ME, his WIFE!
    SERGE: You think so?
    AMANDA: Did he return to you last night? No. He was in bed with me last night! And that’s exactly where he intends to stay!
    SERGE: I’d like him to tell me that.
    AMANDA: It’s over! Why don’t you simply leave? Go. Go and get yourself a tan. If you leave now, there’ll be no ugly scenes of recrimination.
    SERGE (Feigning shock) : Maybe I—do you have a glass of water?
    AMANDA: No.
    SERGE: Please. I’m not used to this. I’m strikingly attractive and this comes as quite a blow.
    AMANDA: Drink it. Then leave.
    (Exasperated, Amanda fetches Serge a drink. He takes the moment to head toward the bedroom. Just as he gets there, Otto appears at the door, which had been left ajar, carrying a bag of groceries and pointing a gun at his temple.)
    OTTO: THE WORLD IS A RANCID CESSPOOL AND I CAN TAKE IT NO LONGER!!
    SERGE (Turning) : Otto!?
    OTTO: LET MY DEATH BE ON YOUR HEAD, SERGE STUBIN! LET YOUR DREAMS BE FILLED WITH VISIONS OF MY BLOODY SKULL!
    SERGE: What are you doing here!?
    OTTO (Entering) : I followed you.
    (Amanda enters and hands Serge a glass of water.)
    SERGE: Oh dear God.
    OTTO: When you threw me out last night, I slept in the garbage can outside your building. I ate orange rinds and an old shoe for breakfast—all right, all right I went home and had bacon and a dozen eggs—but I was up at seven a.m. and perched outside your house! I followed you! I’d’ve been here sooner, but that pig at the gun store refused to cash my check! A clear case of anti-Semitism! I haven’t been to sleep, but then I never sleep. I haven’t slept in years!
    (He falls to his knees) Do you think you could love me again if I got a good night’s sleep? Do you?—Don’t answer! I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to say “No.” That’s all you ever say: No, no, no, no, no. You are positively monosyllabic! You should buy a word-a-day calendarto build your vocabulary—I tossed and turned all night long and I have decided that life is simply not worth living WHILE YOU LOVE SOMEONE ELSE!—It’s unbelievably hot in here! Is anyone else hot? It’s like a sauna. I’m waiting for the boy to come around with the cold-water hose for my wrists and temples, for God’s sake!
    AMANDA: Do you know this person?
    SERGE: No. No, I don’t. We’ve never met. Call the police.
    OTTO: I am Otto Woodnick!
    AMANDA: You’re not!?
    SERGE: He is.
    OTTO: I am!
    AMANDA: Otto! It’s me! Betty Pemberton! I was in your homeroom class in New Rochelle High!
    OTTO: Betty?!
    AMANDA: Amanda now. Amanda Dolor!
    OTTO: You were so fat!
    AMANDA: You were so thin!
    OTTO and AMANDA: What happened to you!!?
    (Otto and Amanda embrace. Serge watches this. As they are embraced, Ford staggers groggily into the room. He sees the scene, has no apparent reaction, turns and exits, unnoticed.)
    OTTO: You look fantastic!
    AMANDA: I’ve lost some weight. That’s all.
    OTTO: I heard about your mother.
    AMANDA: Oh yes.
    OTTO: I’m so sorry.
    AMANDA: Oh don’t be, please. My mother was a horrible person really. For years now I’ve tried to convince myself that her death was somehow tragic to me, that she was a fine person. But she wasn’t and it wasn’t. She made me feel completely inadequate.