Read Online Eeeee Eee Eeee by Tao Lin - Free Book Online

the bedroom.
    The bear was on the bed.
    The bear’s girlfriend lay on the bed.
    “I don’t want to exert effort,” the bear said. “I don’t want to move or think anymore.”
    “Blow-job,” the bear’s girlfriend said. “Don’t be passive-aggressive.”
    “I don’t want one. I’m just saying how I feel.”
    The bear’s girlfriend rolled off the bed then ran into the kitchen. The hamster was sitting on the table.
    And the bear’s girlfriend put the blanket on the hamster.
    The bear came into the kitchen.
    “It will suffocate,” the bear said.
    The hamster chewed through the blanket.
    The hamster stood there.
    “I didn’t know they do that,” the bear’s girlfriend said.
    “I saw it before,” the bear said.
    “You just said it would die,” the bear’s girlfriend said. “You said ‘suffocate.’ ”
    “I forgot,” the bear said.
    “I was talking about myself,” the bear said. “It feels like I’m suffocating.”
    “Your conversation is interminable,” the hamster said.
    “I know,” the bear said.
    The bear’s girlfriend sat at the table and held the hamster.
    The bear’s girlfriend slapped the hamster softly in the hamster’s face.
    The bear sat at the table.
    “I want to kill Saul Bellow,” the bear said. “I know he is already dead.”
    “Do you still hate your novel?” the bear’s girlfriend said.
    “My novel is stupid,” the bear said.
    “I want to chew through something,” the bear’s girlfriend said.
    “I feel like I’m upside down right now,” the bear said. “It feels bad. I feel terrible.”
    The hamster was asleep.
    “It fell asleep from our conversation,” the bear’s girlfriend said.
    “I should take Viagra, anti-depressant medicine, Ritalin, and Caffeine tablets at the same time,” the bear said. “Then vomit in a bucket. And take a bath in the swimming pool.”
    “It’s pretending,” the bear’s girlfriend said. “To avoid having to talk to us.”
    “It’s making fun of us,” the bear said. “How boring we are.”
    “I think I just fell asleep,” the bear’s girlfriend said. “That’s how boring this is right now.”
    “I want to slap a moose,” the bear said.
    Sometimes moose would be sleeping and they would feel something. They woke and were being slapped by a bear. But they were not angry. Moose had no delusions that year. They knew there were facts and that the world itself was a fact and that facts were not goodor bad but just there—a worldview that happened sometimes after you suffered for a long time, alone, in your room, physically comfortable and listening to music—and so had no opinions, feelings, fear, or hatred. They saw the bears with the blankets and they said, “Thank you.”
    Sometimes a bear would feel cold.
    And go, “Hrr, hrr.”
    And take a blanket from a moose’s head and slap the moose’s face.
    The moose would say, “Thank you.”
    Moose that year stood alone in shadowy alleyways. They weighed a thousand pounds, which made them not want to have thoughts. Mostly they just watched, from a distance—in blackness and without thinking. If some of the alleyway was bright and some was dark the moose would walk to where it was dark and stare at where it was bright—and not think anything at all. Sometimes an alien would stand with a moose, not because of solidarity but because of accidentally doing it. Aliens usuallystood in dark doorways but sometimes got confused and stood in alleyways behind, on top of, or adjacent moose. Sometimes a bear climbed a moose and the moose would feel warm and happy, which made them run. Moose had no friends that year. A lot of the time a moose would feel tired and lean against other moose. Only there wouldn’t be moose there and the moose would fall.
    It was sad to see a moose on the ground with its eyeballs round and looking.
    So a bear would sometimes put a blanket over a moose’s face.
    Bears liked to put blankets on things.
    Sometimes a bear accidentally wished to have Sean