Read Online Dying to Be Me by Anita Moorjani - Free Book Online

the news: “You have lymphoma, which is a form of cancer of the lymphatic system.” But from the instant he uttered the word cancer , I didn’t hear much more of what he was saying. His voice came to me as though he were under water. My eyes glazed over and rested on the view from the clinic window. Outside, nothing had changed: The sun continued its journey, slowly setting behind the harbor; the skyscrapers glowed in muted hues of orange and amber; and people went on their way to the laughter and joy of happy hour. Yet learning the reality of what was happening within me had instantaneously changed my whole world.
    Sympathetically, the doctor went through the options available. “I will stick by you,” he assured me, “no matter what decision you make, what treatment option you choose. But first, I’m booking you for a scan for Monday morning so that we can ‘stage’ your diagnosis—find out what stage the cancer is. After the scan, come and see me, and we’ll discuss your results.”
    His voice was a muffled roar in my head, and I shoved away his advice. I could barely hear him tell us to try to relax and enjoy the weekend as best as we could.
    Terror collided violently with reason. Neither Danny nor I could think. We refused to. We didn’t want to think about cancer, about options, about death! I wanted to pull the normal world around me and run away. Indeed, I could not consider—was not capable of considering—the options. That was too scary, and my brain swirled in confusion. Luckily, the doctor had said that we didn’t need to make any decisions until Monday morning, when I was scheduled to have the MRI scan and talk to him about my ongoing treatment.
    Although my mind was far away and I had so many questions, Danny had convinced me to go out on a date and leave the world behind. So when we returned home, I got into my favorite coral-red dress. As I stood there all dressed up, my husband put his arms around me and said, “Don’t be scared. We’ll get through this together.”
    So that evening, we ran away…at least for a while.
    We dined under the stars at El Cid, my favorite outdoor restaurant, right by the Stanley Bay waterfront on the south side of Hong Kong Island. The moon shone in its glorious fullness, while a gentle sea breeze fluttered through the air. The soft sounds of waves from the nearby ocean complemented the music from the mariachi band that serenaded from table to table. To ensure a perfect night, we tipped the band so that they’d stay by us for the longest time, performing my favorite songs. The sangria flowed, the musicians played, and we forgot about the world beyond our table.
    The next morning, I awoke curled in Danny’s arms. It was glorious to snuggle next to him and push away the world. I wanted the trip to the doctor’s office to have simply been a bad dream, but reality shoved its repulsive head into my thoughts. I still had cancer and couldn’t run from the knowledge. How was I to get away from my own body?
    The games we have the ability to play in our minds amaze me. As Saturday morning meandered into afternoon, I didn’t want anyone to know about the diagnosis. If no one found out, then I wouldn’t have to deal with it. I could escape in my mind if not in my body.
    “We’re going to have to tell our families, you know,” Danny said rationally.
    “I know, but they’ll all make such a big deal about the whole thing. Can I just have one more day of peace and solitude before we tell anyone?” I bargained.
    That afternoon, however, my mother called to ask why she hadn’t heard from me regarding the biopsy results. Danny broke the news to her, and the next thing I knew, she was booking a flight to come to Hong Kong. My brother called, telling me he was also making arrangements to come and be with me.
    I didn’t want them to take it so seriously; I didn’t want all this drama. It made the situation so real! Their loving reactions shoved reality into my face like