existed since birth, a defect, the Auphe would’ve said—joined back together and there weren’t two different Cals anymore: the human one who was snarky and would take you down if you deserved it and then the subconscious Auphe one who wanted out, although it took him nineteen years, wanted free, who thought control was a disease and slaughter the most natural thing there could be.
Those two Cals became one. The venom had activated the Auphe healing to the extent that it had done more than return my memories. It had interwoven what had once been separate. And now there was me. I was improved. I had control, something I believed I’d always lack.
Having control, that was something unbelievable. Incredible. There was no more reverting to the other half of my gene pool and chasing and eating Bambi in the woods, because there was no other half anymore—not mentally. There was something new and now whole formed by a joining of Auphe and human.
Something new, something old, something unlike anything on this earth.
I was in command, darker maybe, but the darkness was worth it.
Darker than dark, blacker than night. Yessss.
Enough, Gollum. Christ.
I’d gotten the point already.
But it was worth the trade—I thought. Before, I wouldn’t kill you unless I had to…although I might want to if you pissed me off. Now the whole—the new—Cal wouldn’t kill you unless I had to; I’d just
want
to a whole lot more—and you didn’t always have to piss me off to have me fondling my guns. The drive was increased, but the decision was the same…because of the control. I held back, unless you did have it coming to you.
Killer, raper, monster, maimer.
Past Cal would’ve put you down. I would too, but first you’d have the tour. Down and down, ’round and ’round, through
Caliban’s
town. In the past, it would’ve been quick. Now I took my time. Your pain equaled your victims. Your amount to arrive six feet under, it took longer.
Niko believed in karma in the next life. I believed in karma in this one, and I was a stand-up soldier when it came to delivering it. The decisions I would’ve made in the past, they hadn’t changed. Much. The punishment…
that
I fulfilled more appropriately according to the crime and the time. I was the right hand of justice and the left hand of the undertaker.
Clever excuses. But why do you think ending the useless needs them?
The spider venom, the biological repair, had stabilized me—Niko, Robin, Promise, and I, we’d all recognized that. I hadn’t settled where others in the supernatural community would’ve liked, but I
was
stabilized. That, for everyone around me, was a relief, because it was one hellof a slippery slope, as they say, when my Auphe genes began to overcome the weaker human genes. Auphe genes always win—that’s what a long-gone healer friend of ours had said.
He’d been right—until now. And would be right again…maybe…sometime in the future.
There were the dreams too. Awash in blood and the hunt. Did I ever have dreams that heart-pounding? That savored?
So wild?
So wanted.
Black thoughts and scarlet dreams, they didn’t mean anything in the end—unless they were useful. I was in command of myself now and that was all I needed to know. I would do what had to be done only when it had to be done, and if I enjoyed it a great deal more, then that was a win-win.
I flipped on all the lights in the bar. The last thing I wanted was a dim atmosphere that assisted the pucks in scheming, assaulting, stealing, and a hundred other things.
While at least I was in control of my mind, I knew I was way out of my depth on the approaching situation. The Panic? No fucking way. I tied the black apron around my waist and started lining up glasses on the bar of the Ninth Circle as I used that control to consider something else besides pucks. I thought about consequences—something I rarely did.
Consequences were boring.
Yet sometimes you had to man up and face
Those two Cals became one. The venom had activated the Auphe healing to the extent that it had done more than return my memories. It had interwoven what had once been separate. And now there was me. I was improved. I had control, something I believed I’d always lack.
Having control, that was something unbelievable. Incredible. There was no more reverting to the other half of my gene pool and chasing and eating Bambi in the woods, because there was no other half anymore—not mentally. There was something new and now whole formed by a joining of Auphe and human.
Something new, something old, something unlike anything on this earth.
I was in command, darker maybe, but the darkness was worth it.
Darker than dark, blacker than night. Yessss.
Enough, Gollum. Christ.
I’d gotten the point already.
But it was worth the trade—I thought. Before, I wouldn’t kill you unless I had to…although I might want to if you pissed me off. Now the whole—the new—Cal wouldn’t kill you unless I had to; I’d just
want
to a whole lot more—and you didn’t always have to piss me off to have me fondling my guns. The drive was increased, but the decision was the same…because of the control. I held back, unless you did have it coming to you.
Killer, raper, monster, maimer.
Past Cal would’ve put you down. I would too, but first you’d have the tour. Down and down, ’round and ’round, through
Caliban’s
town. In the past, it would’ve been quick. Now I took my time. Your pain equaled your victims. Your amount to arrive six feet under, it took longer.
Niko believed in karma in the next life. I believed in karma in this one, and I was a stand-up soldier when it came to delivering it. The decisions I would’ve made in the past, they hadn’t changed. Much. The punishment…
that
I fulfilled more appropriately according to the crime and the time. I was the right hand of justice and the left hand of the undertaker.
Clever excuses. But why do you think ending the useless needs them?
The spider venom, the biological repair, had stabilized me—Niko, Robin, Promise, and I, we’d all recognized that. I hadn’t settled where others in the supernatural community would’ve liked, but I
was
stabilized. That, for everyone around me, was a relief, because it was one hellof a slippery slope, as they say, when my Auphe genes began to overcome the weaker human genes. Auphe genes always win—that’s what a long-gone healer friend of ours had said.
He’d been right—until now. And would be right again…maybe…sometime in the future.
There were the dreams too. Awash in blood and the hunt. Did I ever have dreams that heart-pounding? That savored?
So wild?
So wanted.
Black thoughts and scarlet dreams, they didn’t mean anything in the end—unless they were useful. I was in command of myself now and that was all I needed to know. I would do what had to be done only when it had to be done, and if I enjoyed it a great deal more, then that was a win-win.
I flipped on all the lights in the bar. The last thing I wanted was a dim atmosphere that assisted the pucks in scheming, assaulting, stealing, and a hundred other things.
While at least I was in control of my mind, I knew I was way out of my depth on the approaching situation. The Panic? No fucking way. I tied the black apron around my waist and started lining up glasses on the bar of the Ninth Circle as I used that control to consider something else besides pucks. I thought about consequences—something I rarely did.
Consequences were boring.
Yet sometimes you had to man up and face
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