kiss bet. That’s the name of it, but everybody just calls it the River. It doesn’t matter what the bar is called. We’re talking about poker. You remember how Scully kept raising his bet? He was playing poker, but he was frustrated because he didn’t have anybody else playing with him. Imagine the same game, and there was somebody else there betting just as hard in your favor, not mine. Each of them thinks they have the best of it, that they know the outcome and that they’re right. So they keep betting. Now imagine that you and I are two cards, and each time the players bet, they’re tossing money between us, money they can’t get back unless they win the pot by being the one who is right or the one still standing when the game is over. They keep raising, higher and higher, and eventually they call, which means they stop and they see who’s right and who’s wrong—do you kiss me, or not—or one of them folds , which means it doesn’t matter whether or not you were ever going to kiss me: whoever gave up lost.”
“But why would they do that?” Ethan asked, a little flustered by all this talk of kissing. “Why would they fold?”
“Because they can’t afford to put any more money in the pot, most likely, or because the other bettor manages to convince them that their hand isn’t as strong as their opponent’s. If it comes to a showdown, whoever wins is the one who guessed right. Except they don’t just guess like roulette. They use reason, and some math, and a shitload of people reading.”
Ethan was beginning to get this, he thought. Maybe. “Scully was betting on you because he knows you, because he thinks there’s no way I won’t give in and kiss you—because guys usually do?” He felt like he was losing it toward the end.
Randy smiled, a little. “Between you and me, Slick, my reputation is a little grander than my reality. But I’d appreciate it if you kept that on the down-low. Now, you bring up an interesting point: Scully was betting on me, but he was an idiot as usual because he didn’t consider you. He acted like a guy with pocket aces and another on the board. He ignored the fact that there was a clear shot at a flush, which would beat him flat.”
“You’ve lost me now,” Ethan said.
“Scully was only considering what he knew about me. If I were his hand of cards, he would be looking at two aces and thinking, ‘Nobody can beat this’. But there are a lot of things that can beat a pair of aces. There are a lot of things that can beat three aces. I might be aces, but you might be a flush, or a straight.” Ethan’s mouth quirked in a smile, and Randy rolled his eyes. “A ‘straight’, wise guy, is a run of five numbers. 2-3-4-5-6. 9-10-jack-queen-king. A ‘flush’ is a set of five cards of the same suit in any order.”
“What if they are in order?” Ethan asked. “What if it’s 2-3-4-5-6, all hearts?”
“That’s a straight flush, and it’s a very fine hand. The best hand of all is a royal flush, which is 10-jack-queen-king-ace, all the same suit.”
“So aces are high,” Ethan said, making a mental note.
Randy shook his head. “They can be low too. You can run ace-2-3-4-5 for a straight.”
“What about jokers?”
“No jokers in casinos, not in the cards, anyway. But in a home game, jokers are usually wild. That means they can be whatever you want them to be.” Randy shifted on his stool and held up his hand, ticking off his fingers one by one as he named the hands again. “Royal flush. Straight flush. Four-of-a-kind. Full house. Flush. Straight. Three-of-a-kind. Two pair. One pair. High card. That’s the hand ranking in order from high to low. That’s what you’re paying attention to, all the time. You’re looking for the highest-ranked cards in the highest-ranked hands.”
“What’s a full house?” Ethan asked, his head spinning. He would never remember all this.
“A full house is
“But why would they do that?” Ethan asked, a little flustered by all this talk of kissing. “Why would they fold?”
“Because they can’t afford to put any more money in the pot, most likely, or because the other bettor manages to convince them that their hand isn’t as strong as their opponent’s. If it comes to a showdown, whoever wins is the one who guessed right. Except they don’t just guess like roulette. They use reason, and some math, and a shitload of people reading.”
Ethan was beginning to get this, he thought. Maybe. “Scully was betting on you because he knows you, because he thinks there’s no way I won’t give in and kiss you—because guys usually do?” He felt like he was losing it toward the end.
Randy smiled, a little. “Between you and me, Slick, my reputation is a little grander than my reality. But I’d appreciate it if you kept that on the down-low. Now, you bring up an interesting point: Scully was betting on me, but he was an idiot as usual because he didn’t consider you. He acted like a guy with pocket aces and another on the board. He ignored the fact that there was a clear shot at a flush, which would beat him flat.”
“You’ve lost me now,” Ethan said.
“Scully was only considering what he knew about me. If I were his hand of cards, he would be looking at two aces and thinking, ‘Nobody can beat this’. But there are a lot of things that can beat a pair of aces. There are a lot of things that can beat three aces. I might be aces, but you might be a flush, or a straight.” Ethan’s mouth quirked in a smile, and Randy rolled his eyes. “A ‘straight’, wise guy, is a run of five numbers. 2-3-4-5-6. 9-10-jack-queen-king. A ‘flush’ is a set of five cards of the same suit in any order.”
“What if they are in order?” Ethan asked. “What if it’s 2-3-4-5-6, all hearts?”
“That’s a straight flush, and it’s a very fine hand. The best hand of all is a royal flush, which is 10-jack-queen-king-ace, all the same suit.”
“So aces are high,” Ethan said, making a mental note.
Randy shook his head. “They can be low too. You can run ace-2-3-4-5 for a straight.”
“What about jokers?”
“No jokers in casinos, not in the cards, anyway. But in a home game, jokers are usually wild. That means they can be whatever you want them to be.” Randy shifted on his stool and held up his hand, ticking off his fingers one by one as he named the hands again. “Royal flush. Straight flush. Four-of-a-kind. Full house. Flush. Straight. Three-of-a-kind. Two pair. One pair. High card. That’s the hand ranking in order from high to low. That’s what you’re paying attention to, all the time. You’re looking for the highest-ranked cards in the highest-ranked hands.”
“What’s a full house?” Ethan asked, his head spinning. He would never remember all this.
“A full house is
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