going to be once I leave.”
“I’m scared too. And I guess I get what you’re saying, but then again I don’t,” I whispered. “Because you’re scared of losing me, you don’t want to be with me. Right?” We sat there in silence for a bit. “So it’d be okay if I was with someone else?”
Well, that was the wrong thing to say. His head jerked toward me so fast I almost felt the air stir from his abrupt movement, and the mood in the car had changed suddenly, thick with his fury. He grabbed me by the shoulders, pulling me toward him. When his angry face was an inch from mine he hissed out, “No, it is not goddamned okay for you to be with someone else!”
I was so confused. He wanted me but he didn’t want me. And he didn’t want anyone else to have me. Oooookay.
He let go of my shoulders and ran a hand over his face then looked at me and said, “El, I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair. Look, when we started this up, I wanted to take it slow. Get to know each other again.” He looked down at his lap. “Then when I realized I was in love with you, I knew I’d be leaving soon, and I didn’t want to do this to you… sleep with you then just up and leave.” He looked at me again, confusion in his eyes. “God, I don’t know how to explain it. It made sense in my fucking head at the time. I just know… I won’t ask you to wait for me.” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath blowing it out slowly.
I sat looking at him knowing what I’d do even if he was right that it wasn’t fair to me. I loved him, so I was willing to wait for him. However long that may be.
Chapter 8
I was nineteen when I decided to branch out a little.
“Jag!” I semi yelled. He’d fallen asleep again while we were on the phone. When I couldn’t get him to wake up, I hung up with a sigh knowing we’d probably talk the next night. If he wasn’t too tired, that was. Poor guy was run ragged with all the games he’d been playing on top of the classes he was taking.
The past two and a half years had been, well, interesting. Jag had been very successful pitching up a damned storm, much to the thrill of his coaches, and his team had advanced to the finals of the College World Series both years, which meant they’d played clear to the end of June, meaning I only got to see him over the summer for a few weeks. Of course I saw him at Thanksgiving and Christmas, but again only for a week or so each time. But I’d gotten to go see him play in a few games, and I’d even watched him play on ESPN a few times. The games I’d seen him play in person were when my family had driven down to South Carolina over spring break my junior year and when I’d gone to Omaha with Jag’s family for the CWS finals the past two years.
Our visits were pretty fleeting and hectic since his team usually played the visiting team three games in a row, so he didn’t have much time to be with me. But it was all good. Our relationship had actually heated up more when we did get together. We’d actually made it to third base a couple times, which was a step in the right direction, I thought. Not that I was obsessed with having sex with him or anything. It was just that there was that slightest nagging always in the back of my head leaving me to wonder about what he’d told me, wondering if he was really just protecting me by not sleeping with me or if he was just keeping sidelined from being with anyone else. Or if he loved me but not in that way . Or if he was really, seriously scared of going there and then we didn’t work out. Chick Think I called it, and it pissed me off because whenever I allowed myself to go there, it was exhausting. Rebecca had thought it was sweet what Jag had said, telling me that good things come to those who wait, to which I’d snarkily replied that coming comes to those who don’t, which made her laugh.
But Jag and I talked or texted almost every day when we were apart and also sent cards and silly stuff to each other
“I’m scared too. And I guess I get what you’re saying, but then again I don’t,” I whispered. “Because you’re scared of losing me, you don’t want to be with me. Right?” We sat there in silence for a bit. “So it’d be okay if I was with someone else?”
Well, that was the wrong thing to say. His head jerked toward me so fast I almost felt the air stir from his abrupt movement, and the mood in the car had changed suddenly, thick with his fury. He grabbed me by the shoulders, pulling me toward him. When his angry face was an inch from mine he hissed out, “No, it is not goddamned okay for you to be with someone else!”
I was so confused. He wanted me but he didn’t want me. And he didn’t want anyone else to have me. Oooookay.
He let go of my shoulders and ran a hand over his face then looked at me and said, “El, I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair. Look, when we started this up, I wanted to take it slow. Get to know each other again.” He looked down at his lap. “Then when I realized I was in love with you, I knew I’d be leaving soon, and I didn’t want to do this to you… sleep with you then just up and leave.” He looked at me again, confusion in his eyes. “God, I don’t know how to explain it. It made sense in my fucking head at the time. I just know… I won’t ask you to wait for me.” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath blowing it out slowly.
I sat looking at him knowing what I’d do even if he was right that it wasn’t fair to me. I loved him, so I was willing to wait for him. However long that may be.
Chapter 8
I was nineteen when I decided to branch out a little.
“Jag!” I semi yelled. He’d fallen asleep again while we were on the phone. When I couldn’t get him to wake up, I hung up with a sigh knowing we’d probably talk the next night. If he wasn’t too tired, that was. Poor guy was run ragged with all the games he’d been playing on top of the classes he was taking.
The past two and a half years had been, well, interesting. Jag had been very successful pitching up a damned storm, much to the thrill of his coaches, and his team had advanced to the finals of the College World Series both years, which meant they’d played clear to the end of June, meaning I only got to see him over the summer for a few weeks. Of course I saw him at Thanksgiving and Christmas, but again only for a week or so each time. But I’d gotten to go see him play in a few games, and I’d even watched him play on ESPN a few times. The games I’d seen him play in person were when my family had driven down to South Carolina over spring break my junior year and when I’d gone to Omaha with Jag’s family for the CWS finals the past two years.
Our visits were pretty fleeting and hectic since his team usually played the visiting team three games in a row, so he didn’t have much time to be with me. But it was all good. Our relationship had actually heated up more when we did get together. We’d actually made it to third base a couple times, which was a step in the right direction, I thought. Not that I was obsessed with having sex with him or anything. It was just that there was that slightest nagging always in the back of my head leaving me to wonder about what he’d told me, wondering if he was really just protecting me by not sleeping with me or if he was just keeping sidelined from being with anyone else. Or if he loved me but not in that way . Or if he was really, seriously scared of going there and then we didn’t work out. Chick Think I called it, and it pissed me off because whenever I allowed myself to go there, it was exhausting. Rebecca had thought it was sweet what Jag had said, telling me that good things come to those who wait, to which I’d snarkily replied that coming comes to those who don’t, which made her laugh.
But Jag and I talked or texted almost every day when we were apart and also sent cards and silly stuff to each other
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