Diary of an Assistant Mistress

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Authors: Teri Power
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computers out of the computer room and putting them back into classrooms. There is now a computer room without any computers in - in which I will be teaching Information Technology on Friday.
    Big girls don't cry.
    Thursday 17th March
    The good news is that the English Department Archimedes has arrived back from the repair experts. The bad news is that the disk drive still gives a "broken directory" message with every disk we put in it.
    Big girls don't cry.
    Friday 18th March
    Eleventh year Information Technology. No Maths Department computers available. Business studies have offered the use of two computers providing I only send my pupils up two at a time. I assume I have to do community singing with the other fourteen (it used to be fifteen but Ali dropped out of school and is only nominally on the register now).
    In the event I got hold of two - count them two - old BBC B's and they played "Developing Tray" - it is not relevant to the course but it kept them more occupied than they would otherwise have been.
    After school I tried to get hold of Pat, Peter and Olive but they had all mysteriously disappeared. Oz told me helpfully that he wouldn't put up with it himself, but then he doesn't have to put up with it, does he?
    James had another of his videos tonight. This one - a pirated version of a European film - is called simply "Girls who suck." and does not feature lollipops in any fashion.
    I assumed that he was making a request of some kind but I warned him that I was in a biting mood. He said that as long as I was in a biting mood, would I mind digging my fingernails into him as well. He is incorrigible, thank goodness.
    Saturday 19th March
    Today I did no marking and I made a conscious effort not to think about work. This was only partly successful because when we went for tea at the vicarage, John asked me how things were at work and - in a fit of bad manners - I told him.
    He sympathised and suggested all sorts of unprofessional (and ungodly) things I might do to Pat and the mad mathematicians. None of it helped but it made me feel a whole lot better.
    Sunday 20th March
    Today I had to do all the marking I didn't do yesterday. Neil had written a poem entitled "Our Teacher"
    "Our teacher is a wonder.
    Full of airs and graces,
    When we make a ruck,
    She don't give a fuck,
    But sits in her chair and makes faces."
    This is the longest, neatest and probably politest piece of writing Neil has ever done. He quite literally will not understand me when I criticise it.
    Monday 21st March
    Oz was away today. I told Clair that he was on a training course at a brewery.
    "Making pea soup" she retorted.
    After school I went to tackle Peter in his office. He was away at an SS meeting (they prefer to be called SMT - Senior Management Team) but his computer was there.
    I was sitting at his keyboard when the computer seemed to turn itself on. I was musing on what password he used when I happened to notice a seven digit number on a piece of paper in the bottom of his drawer. Oddly enough it was the codeword in reverse.
    I once had a friend who worked for the BBC. He claimed to have put a logic bomb into their computer system which would start deleting random data files if his name were ever removed from the payroll.
    Tuesday 22nd March
    Today I started negotiations with some of the less computer-minded members of the maths department about moving their computers back into the computer room. They were mystified by the original decision to put them in their classrooms.
    Auberon - who is listed as a teacher of computer studies in the staff guide - confessed that he didn't know anything about computers. John didn't want it but didn't like to offend Pat. Debbie thought that after ten years in the Maths department she was qualified as a psychiatric nurse. ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³ Rule 1 for survival in disputes with Maths: ³ ³ Your

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