Fast. I struggled to get the mountain lion
tooth out of my pocket, but my fingers didn’t seem to work. I tried to drop into a
meditative trance, but the earth spun when I closed my eyes, a sickening lurch. My
gorge rose, tasting of blood, and I gagged. The night sky twirled and tightened down,
becoming a pinpoint of velvet black sprinkled with white light. I could hear my heartbeat.
Thump-thump, thump-thump, fastfastfast. Too fast. I tried again to find the calm in
the center of myself, but there was nothing there, no center, no peace. Just the sound
of my speeding heart and wet, raspy breath. I was worse off than I thought. Maybe
a lot worse.
I didn’t have the time to shift into my beast to save my life.
Beast?
I called in my mind. She didn’t answer. No snarky comment. No insult. Nothing.
Beast?
Feet padded in the dark, barely heard. Coming closer. I laughed, the sound little
more than a wet, raspy moan. I closed my eyes. Beast pressed her claws into my mind
again, the pain sharp and demanding. Forcing me down. I dropped. Deeper. Into the
darkness inside my own past, where ancient, tenuous memories swirled in a world of
shadow-gray and uncertainty. I heard a distant drum, smelled herbed wood smoke. The
night wind coming through the broken window chilled my skin, smelling foreign and
hot and dry. Beast forced me deeper, memories firmed, memories that, at all other
times, were forgotten, both mine and Beast’s.
In the memories, I saw a deer with fawn and knew I would not hunt her just now, but
only after the fawn was grown. I saw an old woman bending over a fire, her silver
hair in braids, her wrinkled face catching light and shadow like the cliffs and valleys
of a river gorge. Her eyes were yellow like mine. I saw a kit straying toward the
cliff edge and padded over, taking it in my mouth, his entire head in my killing teeth,
held gently. I tasted/smelled/felt the kit struggling, heard his mewling cries. Breathed
in his scent.
Mine.
My heart rate began to slow. To stutter. The blood pooling in my hand felt chilled.
I had held cold blood before. Had placed my hands in it, in the cavity of my father’s
chest. And then wiped my fingers across my face in a promise of vengeance. A vengeance
I had never taken. The old promise, never fulfilled, scourged me, hatred unfulfilled.
A wrong never avenged, never forgiven,
I thought. But the concepts of vengeance and forgiveness melted away.
As I had been taught so long ago, I took up the snake that rests in the depths of
all beasts. Beast. Beast’s snake, remembered, even without actually touching the fetish
tooth in my pocket. Beast’s snake was a part of me. I fell within. Like water trickling
down a cliff face. Like fog slowly obscuring the world. Grayness enveloped me, sparkling
and cold. The world fell away. I was in the gray place of the change.
My breathing stopped. My heart faltered. My bones . . . slid. Skin rippled. Fur, tawny
and gray, brown and tipped with black, sprouted. Pain, like a knife, slid between
muscle and bone.
* * *
She
fell away. My nostrils widened, drawing deep. The scent of blood. Jane’s and the
predator who had stalked her. Night came alive—wonderful, new scents, heavy on dry,
hot air, thick and dancing. Blood. Salt. Humans. Sweat. Strange car.
Blood
. Faint trace of vampire. I panted. Listened for sounds. In the floor of car, Bruiser’s
voice still called, full of fear. But there were no cars, no music, no voices talking
over one another. I pushed away the seat belt and pawed from the boots and clothes.
Gathered limbs beneath and pushed, balancing on plastic between seats and placing
front paws on door/window/opening. Ugly man-made light was far away. Nothing here
was thief-of-vision. The world was clear, sharp.
She
never saw like this. Scented like this. Attackers were gone. I yawned and stretched
front legs and chest, pulling against legs, spine,
tooth out of my pocket, but my fingers didn’t seem to work. I tried to drop into a
meditative trance, but the earth spun when I closed my eyes, a sickening lurch. My
gorge rose, tasting of blood, and I gagged. The night sky twirled and tightened down,
becoming a pinpoint of velvet black sprinkled with white light. I could hear my heartbeat.
Thump-thump, thump-thump, fastfastfast. Too fast. I tried again to find the calm in
the center of myself, but there was nothing there, no center, no peace. Just the sound
of my speeding heart and wet, raspy breath. I was worse off than I thought. Maybe
a lot worse.
I didn’t have the time to shift into my beast to save my life.
Beast?
I called in my mind. She didn’t answer. No snarky comment. No insult. Nothing.
Beast?
Feet padded in the dark, barely heard. Coming closer. I laughed, the sound little
more than a wet, raspy moan. I closed my eyes. Beast pressed her claws into my mind
again, the pain sharp and demanding. Forcing me down. I dropped. Deeper. Into the
darkness inside my own past, where ancient, tenuous memories swirled in a world of
shadow-gray and uncertainty. I heard a distant drum, smelled herbed wood smoke. The
night wind coming through the broken window chilled my skin, smelling foreign and
hot and dry. Beast forced me deeper, memories firmed, memories that, at all other
times, were forgotten, both mine and Beast’s.
In the memories, I saw a deer with fawn and knew I would not hunt her just now, but
only after the fawn was grown. I saw an old woman bending over a fire, her silver
hair in braids, her wrinkled face catching light and shadow like the cliffs and valleys
of a river gorge. Her eyes were yellow like mine. I saw a kit straying toward the
cliff edge and padded over, taking it in my mouth, his entire head in my killing teeth,
held gently. I tasted/smelled/felt the kit struggling, heard his mewling cries. Breathed
in his scent.
Mine.
My heart rate began to slow. To stutter. The blood pooling in my hand felt chilled.
I had held cold blood before. Had placed my hands in it, in the cavity of my father’s
chest. And then wiped my fingers across my face in a promise of vengeance. A vengeance
I had never taken. The old promise, never fulfilled, scourged me, hatred unfulfilled.
A wrong never avenged, never forgiven,
I thought. But the concepts of vengeance and forgiveness melted away.
As I had been taught so long ago, I took up the snake that rests in the depths of
all beasts. Beast. Beast’s snake, remembered, even without actually touching the fetish
tooth in my pocket. Beast’s snake was a part of me. I fell within. Like water trickling
down a cliff face. Like fog slowly obscuring the world. Grayness enveloped me, sparkling
and cold. The world fell away. I was in the gray place of the change.
My breathing stopped. My heart faltered. My bones . . . slid. Skin rippled. Fur, tawny
and gray, brown and tipped with black, sprouted. Pain, like a knife, slid between
muscle and bone.
* * *
She
fell away. My nostrils widened, drawing deep. The scent of blood. Jane’s and the
predator who had stalked her. Night came alive—wonderful, new scents, heavy on dry,
hot air, thick and dancing. Blood. Salt. Humans. Sweat. Strange car.
Blood
. Faint trace of vampire. I panted. Listened for sounds. In the floor of car, Bruiser’s
voice still called, full of fear. But there were no cars, no music, no voices talking
over one another. I pushed away the seat belt and pawed from the boots and clothes.
Gathered limbs beneath and pushed, balancing on plastic between seats and placing
front paws on door/window/opening. Ugly man-made light was far away. Nothing here
was thief-of-vision. The world was clear, sharp.
She
never saw like this. Scented like this. Attackers were gone. I yawned and stretched
front legs and chest, pulling against legs, spine,
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