Read Online Dear Zari: Hidden Stories from Women of Afghanistan by Zarghuna Kargar - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Zarghuna Kargar
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should now do. My mother said, ‘It’s a horrid situation, but if she doesn’t agree to the marriage exchange then her family will have even worse problems,’ and with that, she carried on tidying up the kitchen. I knew only too well from my mother’s experience the consequences of not having a son in an Afghan family; mothers without sons and sisters without brothers have suffered for many generations. While the father and the head of the family is alive and well he is a powerful figure and his wifeand daughters are secure, but when he dies the women become the property of the men of the extended family.
It is common practice in Afghanistan for a girl to be exchanged for a wife for her brother, or in cases like Sharifa’s, a second wife for her father. According to the Afghan constitution, the legal age for a girl to get married is sixteen and for a boy eighteen, but many girls are exchanged or married far younger. Most girls simply do as they are told and honour their parents’ choices for them. In poor families, daughters are sometimes kept for exchange later in life so that the family doesn’t have to spend much money on the wedding of their son. This form of exchange is known as Badal: one family finds a bride for their son and in exchange they give their daughter to the brother of the bride, or sometimes to an uncle or cousin instead of payment.
Strictly it is illegal for a girl to be given away to settle a family dispute or for her to be forced into marriage, but that doesn’t stop it happening. It is a common occurrence because domestic matters tend to be solved within the family, and as girls are not allowed to go to the courts or seek legal advice, they end up being totally dependent on their families. Regardless of illegality, most women simply obey their family and consider that whatever happens in their lives is God’s will. These young brides tend to be uneducated and therefore unaware of their legal rights, and while most men are aware of the law, they simply ignore it. They think the law should have no say in family matters.
I remember my mother once telling me the story of Zulikha, a girl from her village. After the death of her father, Zulikha and her sisters were distributed amongst their male cousins and forced to marry them, while the mother was compelled to marry her dead husband’s brother. According to Afghan law, based on Islamic law, forced marriages are not allowed. Both parties need to consent to any marriage. However, many people do not fully understand the teachings of the Quran, so cultural traditions tend to take precedence over the letter of the law, and in Zulikha’s case Afghan tradition was followed. She had no brothersso her family were distributed like possessions amongst the male relatives of her dead husband’s extended family. The thinking behind this is that if the woman were to marry another man – a stranger – then the widow’s land would be lost to someone outside the family. The law states that husbands and wives have an equal share of land and property but in reality all assets are regarded as the man’s. So if a married man dies, then his brothers will come and take what they regard as theirs: the widow, her daughters and all the property.
As it turned out, Zulikha had quite a good life with her husband because he was educated and had enough money to look after her but she never forgot the fact that she was given to him like an ornament or toy of no value. She could never forgive what her uncle’s family had done to her sisters and her mother.
I was aware that Sharifa also had cousins and knew what had happened to Zulikha, but at that time she seemed to be fine. A few months later, though, she stopped coming to school and I started to worry about her. No one seemed to know how things were with Sharifa and her family, so I decided to find out for myself and one afternoon I walked over to her house. It was a good half-hour’s walk from my home, and I was
It is common practice in Afghanistan for a girl to be exchanged for a wife for her brother, or in cases like Sharifa’s, a second wife for her father. According to the Afghan constitution, the legal age for a girl to get married is sixteen and for a boy eighteen, but many girls are exchanged or married far younger. Most girls simply do as they are told and honour their parents’ choices for them. In poor families, daughters are sometimes kept for exchange later in life so that the family doesn’t have to spend much money on the wedding of their son. This form of exchange is known as Badal: one family finds a bride for their son and in exchange they give their daughter to the brother of the bride, or sometimes to an uncle or cousin instead of payment.
Strictly it is illegal for a girl to be given away to settle a family dispute or for her to be forced into marriage, but that doesn’t stop it happening. It is a common occurrence because domestic matters tend to be solved within the family, and as girls are not allowed to go to the courts or seek legal advice, they end up being totally dependent on their families. Regardless of illegality, most women simply obey their family and consider that whatever happens in their lives is God’s will. These young brides tend to be uneducated and therefore unaware of their legal rights, and while most men are aware of the law, they simply ignore it. They think the law should have no say in family matters.
I remember my mother once telling me the story of Zulikha, a girl from her village. After the death of her father, Zulikha and her sisters were distributed amongst their male cousins and forced to marry them, while the mother was compelled to marry her dead husband’s brother. According to Afghan law, based on Islamic law, forced marriages are not allowed. Both parties need to consent to any marriage. However, many people do not fully understand the teachings of the Quran, so cultural traditions tend to take precedence over the letter of the law, and in Zulikha’s case Afghan tradition was followed. She had no brothersso her family were distributed like possessions amongst the male relatives of her dead husband’s extended family. The thinking behind this is that if the woman were to marry another man – a stranger – then the widow’s land would be lost to someone outside the family. The law states that husbands and wives have an equal share of land and property but in reality all assets are regarded as the man’s. So if a married man dies, then his brothers will come and take what they regard as theirs: the widow, her daughters and all the property.
As it turned out, Zulikha had quite a good life with her husband because he was educated and had enough money to look after her but she never forgot the fact that she was given to him like an ornament or toy of no value. She could never forgive what her uncle’s family had done to her sisters and her mother.
I was aware that Sharifa also had cousins and knew what had happened to Zulikha, but at that time she seemed to be fine. A few months later, though, she stopped coming to school and I started to worry about her. No one seemed to know how things were with Sharifa and her family, so I decided to find out for myself and one afternoon I walked over to her house. It was a good half-hour’s walk from my home, and I was
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