jumpy, as if he’d had too much caffeine. She stalledby selecting brown and white sugar lumps from the bowl on the table and dropping them one by one into her drink. They made small ripples. He was watching her in a way he didn’t usually watch her. Almost as if he was seeing her for the first time.
‘So,’ she said, her heart pounding, trying to keep the spoon from rattling against her cup. ‘A secret meeting, Mr Bond?’
‘I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Saturday night.’
She made a noncommittal sound and carefully poured in the milk.
‘I’ve been turning it and turning it around in my head. Looking at it from every angle. I haven’t said anything to Claire, not yet. I needed to see you first.’
‘Okay.’
He was rubbing his thumb across his palm, first with one hand and then the other, as if he were trying to find the right words to say. She didn’t trust herself to say anything. He’d been arguing with Claire. He’d kissed Romily at the quiz.
No. Wishful thinking. But how could she think about anything else, with him looking at her like that?
‘Can you—’ he began, and then shook his head. ‘We drank an awful lot that night. I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t remember what you said.’
‘I remember.’
‘It was – I mean, it could change everything. So I have to be certain that you absolutely meant it.’
She couldn’t bear it any longer. ‘Meant what, exactly?’
‘About having the baby for us.’
It swept over her like a wave of cold water. ‘That’s it?’ she said. ‘That’s all? That’s what you’ve been looking at from every angle.’
‘Well, yes. It’s a big step.’
Of course. Ben wanted a baby. He didn’t care about why she’d offered to do it. To understand why she’d offered, he’d have to love her back.
Interesting how the end of hope felt much the same as the end of despair.
‘What else would there be?’ he said.
‘Nothing.’ She was blushing, but she raised her cup to her lips to cover up. ‘It’s just a big step, as you say.’
A big step that she’d been successfully pushing out of her mind because she’d been too worried about losing her friendship with Ben.
‘You’re regretting it,’ he said immediately. ‘I can see you’re uncomfortable. That’s fine, Romily. That’s why I wanted to meet up. I wouldn’t want to put any pressure on you. It’s amazing that you even offered.’
‘Do you …’ She stalled for time. ‘Do you think that Claire would go for it?’
‘I don’t know. I had to ask you first. It all depends on you.’
He was still watching her that way, as if his entire life depended on her. Which it did, because he wanted her to have his baby.
Now was her chance. The moment to say she’d been drunk, that she’d been too impulsive. She could say that she needed some more time to think about it, that she wasn’t sure if it would work out with her job or with Posie. She could say she was too afraid of getting attached to the baby and being unable to give it up.
The thing was, all of those would be lies. She’d been drunk, yeah, and she was always impulsive. But she’d meant it when she’d offered: because Ben wanted a family so much, because she had a womb going spare. And there was no real, logical reason not to mean it still. She’d been pregnant before,and she knew she could do it again. She could do her work just fine while incubating a foetus, and schedule time off for the delivery in advance. Posie might find it a little strange, but she’d adjust. And Romily really did have no desire for another child.
There wasn’t a single good reason
not
to have a baby for Ben and Claire. And here he was in front of her. It would make him so happy, and all she had to do was use a turkey-baster and spend nine months making herself eat healthily and drink milk. It would give him everything he wanted, and for Romily, nothing would really change.
And she’d been telling the truth on Saturday
‘So,’ she said, her heart pounding, trying to keep the spoon from rattling against her cup. ‘A secret meeting, Mr Bond?’
‘I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Saturday night.’
She made a noncommittal sound and carefully poured in the milk.
‘I’ve been turning it and turning it around in my head. Looking at it from every angle. I haven’t said anything to Claire, not yet. I needed to see you first.’
‘Okay.’
He was rubbing his thumb across his palm, first with one hand and then the other, as if he were trying to find the right words to say. She didn’t trust herself to say anything. He’d been arguing with Claire. He’d kissed Romily at the quiz.
No. Wishful thinking. But how could she think about anything else, with him looking at her like that?
‘Can you—’ he began, and then shook his head. ‘We drank an awful lot that night. I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t remember what you said.’
‘I remember.’
‘It was – I mean, it could change everything. So I have to be certain that you absolutely meant it.’
She couldn’t bear it any longer. ‘Meant what, exactly?’
‘About having the baby for us.’
It swept over her like a wave of cold water. ‘That’s it?’ she said. ‘That’s all? That’s what you’ve been looking at from every angle.’
‘Well, yes. It’s a big step.’
Of course. Ben wanted a baby. He didn’t care about why she’d offered to do it. To understand why she’d offered, he’d have to love her back.
Interesting how the end of hope felt much the same as the end of despair.
‘What else would there be?’ he said.
‘Nothing.’ She was blushing, but she raised her cup to her lips to cover up. ‘It’s just a big step, as you say.’
A big step that she’d been successfully pushing out of her mind because she’d been too worried about losing her friendship with Ben.
‘You’re regretting it,’ he said immediately. ‘I can see you’re uncomfortable. That’s fine, Romily. That’s why I wanted to meet up. I wouldn’t want to put any pressure on you. It’s amazing that you even offered.’
‘Do you …’ She stalled for time. ‘Do you think that Claire would go for it?’
‘I don’t know. I had to ask you first. It all depends on you.’
He was still watching her that way, as if his entire life depended on her. Which it did, because he wanted her to have his baby.
Now was her chance. The moment to say she’d been drunk, that she’d been too impulsive. She could say that she needed some more time to think about it, that she wasn’t sure if it would work out with her job or with Posie. She could say she was too afraid of getting attached to the baby and being unable to give it up.
The thing was, all of those would be lies. She’d been drunk, yeah, and she was always impulsive. But she’d meant it when she’d offered: because Ben wanted a family so much, because she had a womb going spare. And there was no real, logical reason not to mean it still. She’d been pregnant before,and she knew she could do it again. She could do her work just fine while incubating a foetus, and schedule time off for the delivery in advance. Posie might find it a little strange, but she’d adjust. And Romily really did have no desire for another child.
There wasn’t a single good reason
not
to have a baby for Ben and Claire. And here he was in front of her. It would make him so happy, and all she had to do was use a turkey-baster and spend nine months making herself eat healthily and drink milk. It would give him everything he wanted, and for Romily, nothing would really change.
And she’d been telling the truth on Saturday
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