Read Online Dear Girls Above Me: Inspired by a True Story by Charles Mcdowell - Free Book Online

lowered the likelihood that she’d text me back. Just like how the police say that after a kidnapping you have a two-day window to get your child back, and then each passing moment after increases the likelihood that you’ll never see your kid again.… Well, actually, I’m not sure if police say that; I’m just quoting Delroy Lindo from the movie Ransom . Regardless, she had yetto respond to my text, and I wasn’t surprised in the slightest. She was the type of girl who never looked back once her mind had been made up. I wished I had known that a few weeks ago, before I had come up with the ingenious idea to write her this e-mail:
    Subject: Food for thought …
    I have emotionally accepted that we are over (although I still cradle hope); however, we should have sex a couple times a week to smooth out the transition, don’t you agree?
    Her response:
    Subject: RE: Food for thought …
    Call a therapist, Charlie.
    The worst part about the whole thing was I did end up consulting with a therapist, and was charged a hundred and fifty dollars for a diagnosis of “You shouldn’t have done that.” Then the therapist started blabbering on about how my act of desperation came from an unresolved experience I had during my youth, which most likely involved my parents or the jump rope. I wasn’t sure how asking my ex-girlfriend to have sex with me had something to do with my family, so I decided to take a break from professional healing for a while.
    The time was six P.M. and I felt guilty for the wasted day. Then I started thinking about starving kids in Africa and felt guilty for feeling guilty. Then I thought about how I routinely put money in the Save Our African Children donation jar at Whole Foods and felt guilty for feeling guilty about feeling guilty. The liberal guilt went onfor a while until I felt a vibration from my phone buzzing. Followed by a double beep. An alert, not a ring. The beep-beep of an incoming text, for some reason, is more exciting than an actual call. I guess maybe it’s because our minds revel in all the thrilling possibilities of who it could be. Maybe it’s my ex? Does she still care enough to take the time to physically type out her thoughts on a smartphone? Hope …
    Nope. It was from Phil Salazar, my old violin teacher. For a moment I wondered why in the world he was texting me, but then I remembered I had landed on him during the texting game and was forced to send, “Are you as sweaty as I am right now?” His response was, “Just got done restringing a viola, so, uh yeah, I believe that question answers itself. Any interest in playing again?” Playing again? I would hardly consider my violin career a success. Pretty much the only thing I learned was how to hold the violin under my chin without making myself look fat. And I’m already thin! What an appalling instrument. I politely told him no thanks because I’d taken up the gong.
    I received another text message, this one from Pat, asking whether or not it would be cool if he had a few friends come by and hang out. When you have a roommate who invites friends over that you don’t know and you’re going to be home at the same time, there are two options: hang out and be social or lock yourself in your room, waiting out the hang-out session for as long as it takes, even if it means peeing into a discarded Gatorade bottle. (I’ve only had to do that disgusting act once. The other five times don’t count.) I quickly had to weigh out all of my potential responses.
    POTENTIAL RESPONSES
    1. Say that I normally wouldn’t mind but tonight I’d really like to be productive and get some creative writing done. But then I stared at a shirtless Matthew McConaughey, still enjoying his reign as number one beach bod. Who was I kidding? Productivity wasn’t in my future that night. Also, I’m not the kind of person who would tell my roommate that he can’t have people over. I’m not Adolf Hitler.
    2. Tell Pat sure. Then hide away in the safe