isn’t it? It’s one of those flesh-eating viruses.”
“No, Daniel. It’s not a virus. It’s . . . I can’t . . .” She started crying, but I was so tightly wound, I didn’t even care.
“Why won’t anyone ever tell me what’s going on?” I said.
She was crying freely now. “You have to go, Daniel. You have to stay away from me. I’m no good for you. This is all my fault.”
“Shut up!” I shouted. “This time it’s my turn to leave. You’re nothing but trouble, anyway. I could tell people about you. I could tell them what you’re doing here. That you lie and steal.”
She looked at my hands again and then covered her face and sobbed.
I pointed at her. “So why don’t
you
stay away from
me,
” I said.
I sprinted off toward the Dome, trying hard to deal with the pain in my ankle, and the pain in my soul, the fury. The biggest part of me wanted to turn back, but sometimes, when you think someone’s going to walk away from you, there’s only one thing to do: walk away first.
In the pre-pool shower, a man was staring at my leg. I knew he was about to say something, but I gave him such a scowl that he thought better of it. The disinfectant foot wash stung the cuts on my ankle.
I desperately needed clear head space. I needed to reach that place in my mind where the world slowed down, stopped, and then disappeared. I needed to swim.
Ryan was trying to make eye contact with me, but I was afraid he would try to throw me out of the pool when he saw the gash on my leg, and, besides, I didn’t want to speak to anyone. The wave machine was on, but I didn’t care. I waded through the lapping shallows, then sank and glided beyond the fighting kids, the bobbing mothers with their paddling babies. I slipped beneath the bright red rubber rings and the purple rafts. I cut through the man-made current, the plumes of air billowing out of me like smoke from a ship on fire. I kept going deeper, let the air out and the water in. I let the world go dark before coming up to breathe. And I began to count. One. And. Two. And.
The world,
thank God,
fell away for a while, and I was back in that gap, feeling nothing but the relentless clockwork of my limbs. I was down for a long time, and when the gap in my thoughts began to close again, I saw images of Lexi, as she had been in the reeds. I saw the things I hadn’t seen when I was there. The things I had been too angry to see and didn’t want to see now: the swelling around her flickering eyelids, the coppery stain of watery blood across her cheek. I had my wounds, but she was in a far worse state than me.
Forget her,
I told myself as I rose up through the layers of silence and back to the screeching surface.
I sat on the edge of one of the loungers and felt the hot, dry air against my skin. I didn’t bother putting my T-shirt on because I didn’t care who saw me. In my mind, I dared people to make a remark. The way I was feeling, I would have torn them to shreds.
When the group of boys who had taunted me on Friday made a move toward my lounger, I thought I was going to have to put my violent thoughts into action.
“All right, mate,” the tall one said.
I didn’t reply.
“I said
all right,
mate,” he said again.
“What do you want?” I said.
“Steady on,” he said. “We just wanted to talk to you.”
“Yeah, right. Two days ago, you wanted to
feel me up,
” I said.
The tall boy laughed. “That was just Thorpey. He’s a queer.”
“Shut up, Jack, you tosser,” said a lad with a crew cut and long red shorts.
Jack laughed. “Saw you swimming, that’s all. Lewis swims for the county,” he said, pointing to the third boy, who folded his powerful arms. “He reckons you’re quite fast.”
“Yeah, well. I’m not racing anyone, if that’s what this is about,” I said.
“Race me?” Lewis said. “What a joke. You wouldn’t get near me.”
“I wouldn’t want to get near you. You’ve got piss dribble all over your shorts.”
He
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