Read Online Dave Trellis and the Allotments of Doom by S.B. Davies - Free Book Online Page B

obtaining surreptitious military assistance, though an air
strike means we stop fighting and get clear. We ran a couple of
scenarios earlier and the armed forces just got in the way. The
artillery ended up killing more dogs and Palaver than spiders.’
    ‘More
importantly,’ continued Dave, ‘if the army get involved, it means
exposing the allotments, which means the end of visits and everyone
has to find a new home.’
    ‘But we can’t
risk one of those spiders getting away,’ said Fergus.
    ‘I know that,’
said Dave, annoyance creeping into his voice, ‘It is a bit of a
bloody dilemma, hence us trying to find a different solution.’
    ‘Hang on a
minute,’ said Fergus, ‘surely you can just use the little cylinder.
One press and foom, all gone.’
    ‘According to
the dogs it doesn’t work anymore,’ said Dave.
    ‘How do they
know?’ asked Fergus.
    Dave looked at
Enoch.
    ‘Tested it,’
said Enoch.
    ‘How did they
manage that?’ asked Dave, ‘They would need something to test it
on.’
    Enoch turn
slightly away, made sure that only Dave could see his hand, and
pointed at Fergus.
    Dave’s eyebrows
shot up. He turned to the dog nearest him.
    ‘You miserable
bunch of canine arseholes,’ shouted Dave and stood up.
    ‘Where the hell
do you get off pulling a stunt like that? This is not your planet.
You’re bloody guests here.’
    The dog’s
hackles rose and it barked loudly at Enoch.
    ‘Never mind
him,’ said Dave, ‘It’s you lot that used a human being as a lab
rat.’
    ‘What?’ asked
Fergus; everyone ignored him.
    The dog barked
and yowled.
    ‘I don’t care
if he was an unknown, worthless, waste of skin. It happens, he was
human and a guest on my allotments; thus under my care and
protection. You pull a stunt like that again and the lot of you are
out on your ear. Get me?’ asked Dave in a loud, measured voice.
    The dog growled
something.
    ‘I’ll find a
way. There are at least five thousand fit and healthy men in
Huddersfield alone. How do you like them odds Toto?’
    The dog
muttered and growled something, then barked loudly.
    ‘Hmm ok,
apology accepted,’ said Dave, ‘And you owe the lad a favour. A dog
favour mind, none of your sly little wrangles.’
    The dog barked
again.
    ‘Right now
that’s sorted, let’s move on. We have seven days to prepare.’ Dave
paused, ‘Hang on. How sure are we of their arrival time?’
    ‘Absolutely
sure Dave,’ said Enoch, ‘Always same and only return once.’
    ‘Creatures of
habit no doubt, right then a week to go. We beat the buggers off
this time and we’re done. Enoch, I want you to spread the word off
world, get as many as are willing to come.’
    ‘Rules of
engagement?’ asked Enoch.
    Dave looked at
one of the dogs. It gave a short bark and Enoch grinned.
    ‘You dogs can
call back all those wandering mutts with dyed black fur.’
    A dog
yowled.
    ‘You think I
didn’t notice?’ said Dave, ‘You must think I’m daft. No hold hard a
minute, what am I talking about. We couldn’t keep them away with a
sharp stick once they know there’s a scrap on.’
    Dave sighed. ‘I
suppose I better send word to the other lot, though they’ll never
come.’
    ‘Other lot?’
asked Enoch.
    A dog barked
and Enoch looked embarrassed. ‘Oh, them. Sorry Dave.’
    Everyone was
quite for a while then Dave spoke.
    ‘Plan A. Dogs;
try and get the button working again and prepare the allotments.
Enoch and his troupe; spread the word. Me and the lad here will try
and find some other options. Plan B, we abandon the allotments and
the Army get some unexpected artillery practise. All agreed?’
    Enoch banged
his fist into his forehead and the dogs barked. Dave looked at
Fergus, who nodded. The huddle dispersed and Fergus, a sly grin on
his face, went to find someone he met earlier, and it wasn’t
Boadicea.
     
     
    The Murgatroyd
Atherton had hardly moved when Fergus found it. He saw an
indentation in the grass and he realised why the murgatroyds