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Authors: Susan Lewis
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some of the other boys.’
‘Are you only staying one night?’ I tried to keep the desperation from my voice, but already my heart was beating so hard that I tried to cover it with my hands.
He must have sensed how I was feeling because he came across to my chair and knelt down in front of me. ‘I’m not leaving you now, Elizabeth, I can’t.’
He looked so young, so brave. What was to become of us?
It was two days later when we finally ventured out to the theatre. We went to see a matinée of Happy Days , the Beckett play that, despite a really morbid theme, had us gripping our sides with laughter, as Winnie, buried to her waist in earth, tried to fill her days by filing her nails and rummaging around in her handbag.
All through the play Alexander held my hand, and every now and again he leaned over to kiss me, just as he did when he thought I was asleep. I kissed him when he was asleep too, because he looked so young then, and vulnerable, and I knew that despite his outward confidence he was as afraid as I was that something might destroy our happiness. There were times, too, when he couldn’t hide his bewilderment at what was happening to him, and he would gaze at me for minutes at a time, then beg me to tell him how much I loved him – and I’d laugh and say silly, romantic things until he laughed too.
When the show was over we decided that as we were having such a good time, we would splash out and find a noisy restaurant somewhere in Covent Garden. And we were just heading for The Bistro, tucked behind the market, when the unthinkable happened and Alexander spotted Mrs Jenkins walking down the street on the arm of her husband. Quickly Alexander pulled me into a shop doorway, took me in his arms and buried my face in his neck.
Mrs Jenkins sailed by and didn’t even look in our direction, but we stayed in the doorway for several minutes after she had gone, numbed by how close we had come to discovery. We looked at each other. This, we knew, was only the beginning. In the privacy of our little room in Bayswater, it had been easy for us to tell each other how bravely we would face the world. The reality was different.
The evening ruined, we walked back to the hotel in silencè. By the time we arrived I had made up my mind what I was going to do. Seeing Mrs Jenkins had made me almost sick with shame: I, like her was supposed to be a responsible member of the school staff. Suddenly I could imagine the accusing eyes of Alexander’s parents, Miss Angrid, Mr Lorimer, Mr Ellery, and the rest of the boys who had placed their trust in me. I had been crazy to allow things to go this far. Had I ever really, in the past few days, thought about what I was doing to Alexander, stopped to consider what effect all this might have on him? He was too young to know his own mind, he was headstrong, determined and spoiled. He might look and behave older than he was, but that didn’t change the fact that he wasn’t yet seventeen. Our relationship had to stop now, no matter what pain it might cause me, because that was nothing compared to the damage I would cause him if I let it go on.
Before he could push open the door of the hotel, I stopped him and made him turn round to face me. ‘Alexander,’ I said, softly, ‘I want you to go inside now and collect your things. No. No. Please don’t say anything, don’t let’s argue, I couldn’t bear it. We’ve got to say good-bye, my darling, so let it be now, before the outside world can spoil what we have had together. I’ve decided that it would be for the best if I don’t come back to Foxton’s in the New Year . . . .’
‘Elizabeth.’ He put his hand over my mouth. ‘I’m staying here with you. Come inside, please. We have to talk, I know we do, but don’t try to push me away like this.’
My voice was constricted by the loss I was already feeling. ‘It’s easier this way, Alexander. If we talk it’ll only make it more difficult. I’m going for a walk. Please,
‘Are you only staying one night?’ I tried to keep the desperation from my voice, but already my heart was beating so hard that I tried to cover it with my hands.
He must have sensed how I was feeling because he came across to my chair and knelt down in front of me. ‘I’m not leaving you now, Elizabeth, I can’t.’
He looked so young, so brave. What was to become of us?
It was two days later when we finally ventured out to the theatre. We went to see a matinée of Happy Days , the Beckett play that, despite a really morbid theme, had us gripping our sides with laughter, as Winnie, buried to her waist in earth, tried to fill her days by filing her nails and rummaging around in her handbag.
All through the play Alexander held my hand, and every now and again he leaned over to kiss me, just as he did when he thought I was asleep. I kissed him when he was asleep too, because he looked so young then, and vulnerable, and I knew that despite his outward confidence he was as afraid as I was that something might destroy our happiness. There were times, too, when he couldn’t hide his bewilderment at what was happening to him, and he would gaze at me for minutes at a time, then beg me to tell him how much I loved him – and I’d laugh and say silly, romantic things until he laughed too.
When the show was over we decided that as we were having such a good time, we would splash out and find a noisy restaurant somewhere in Covent Garden. And we were just heading for The Bistro, tucked behind the market, when the unthinkable happened and Alexander spotted Mrs Jenkins walking down the street on the arm of her husband. Quickly Alexander pulled me into a shop doorway, took me in his arms and buried my face in his neck.
Mrs Jenkins sailed by and didn’t even look in our direction, but we stayed in the doorway for several minutes after she had gone, numbed by how close we had come to discovery. We looked at each other. This, we knew, was only the beginning. In the privacy of our little room in Bayswater, it had been easy for us to tell each other how bravely we would face the world. The reality was different.
The evening ruined, we walked back to the hotel in silencè. By the time we arrived I had made up my mind what I was going to do. Seeing Mrs Jenkins had made me almost sick with shame: I, like her was supposed to be a responsible member of the school staff. Suddenly I could imagine the accusing eyes of Alexander’s parents, Miss Angrid, Mr Lorimer, Mr Ellery, and the rest of the boys who had placed their trust in me. I had been crazy to allow things to go this far. Had I ever really, in the past few days, thought about what I was doing to Alexander, stopped to consider what effect all this might have on him? He was too young to know his own mind, he was headstrong, determined and spoiled. He might look and behave older than he was, but that didn’t change the fact that he wasn’t yet seventeen. Our relationship had to stop now, no matter what pain it might cause me, because that was nothing compared to the damage I would cause him if I let it go on.
Before he could push open the door of the hotel, I stopped him and made him turn round to face me. ‘Alexander,’ I said, softly, ‘I want you to go inside now and collect your things. No. No. Please don’t say anything, don’t let’s argue, I couldn’t bear it. We’ve got to say good-bye, my darling, so let it be now, before the outside world can spoil what we have had together. I’ve decided that it would be for the best if I don’t come back to Foxton’s in the New Year . . . .’
‘Elizabeth.’ He put his hand over my mouth. ‘I’m staying here with you. Come inside, please. We have to talk, I know we do, but don’t try to push me away like this.’
My voice was constricted by the loss I was already feeling. ‘It’s easier this way, Alexander. If we talk it’ll only make it more difficult. I’m going for a walk. Please,
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