together for something, I’m not just dismayed, I’m desolate, unable to enjoy anything or anyone, incapable of prohibiting myself from hoping he’s just late arriving on scene. After a day or more of not seeing him, a mere glimpse of him, even from a distance, is like water for a man lost in the Sahara.
chapter six: jamie (high school)
It all starts in September, right after high school begins, on a Sunday at church. It’s such a small thing. He simply holds my hand while we have prayer…and I’ve been obsessed ever since.
Stacy’s the first and onlyone I’ve told, and it takes me a long, long time, at least a few weeks after school starts, to work up the courage. We’ve been passing notes back and forth, writing about the massive crush she’s developed on Ray Battle. He got held back in sixth grade so he and his sister Yvette are both seniors. She’s a snob but Ray’s prettycool. We three hang out a lot, mostly with the youth at the Baptist church, manyof whom attend the high school with us. I don’t go to church as often as I used to, but lately I’ve been willing to attend again. It’s where I can see Tammy Mattheis when we’re not in school.
Before I tell Stacy that I’m in love, I make her swear. Not to laugh at me. Not to think I’m a freak. Not to tell another living soul, not Lydia, or Sylvie, or Patti or Deeanna, not Ray, or that other dude Benny…not even Lloyd, as long as she lives. She promises, and when I tell her, she’s so great. She doesn’t say, “So you are gay!” She just hugs me and says, “Oh, myGod, Jamie! He’s so hot !”
He’s at least two or three years mysenior, stands at least six feet one inches tall, his fatless, flawless body weighing in at oneeightyor one-eighty-five. He stalks the campus like he owns it. He dresses in tee-shirts fit to flatter, jeans that hug his superb rearend, Nike shoes, and his letterman jacket draped over those ample shoulders.
But it’s not just the stuff that’s so obvious about him, the beauty and confidence that is immediate and on the surface. There is something in his eyes , a real and solid presence of mind. He’s verysmart, with a self-possession that unnerves me. Believe me when I say, that is what really makes him irresistible to me. If he was the typical jock airhead, a big, dumb muscle, he wouldn’t make me swoon as I do. I’m not one of his dozen or so bimbos. None of the other jocks interest me. Not a one of them can compete.
My heart pounds mercilessly in my chest and a hot blush stains the white skin of my throat and face when I see him, hear his voice, hear his name, think about him or even talk about him. “Oh my God,“ I sigh and hug her back, burying my scarlet face against her neck. “He is!”
Mysecret brings us closer. Our notes are now about Ray and Tammy. We’ve always heard that Mr. Monroe takes notes and reads them aloud to class when he catches people passing them. One day he takes a note from a girl and reads every private, embarrassing word to everyone. After that, Stacy and I are extremelycautious, and our grade point averages climb a notch or
two.We go to the Friday night football games to watch the guys
we’re in love with collide noisilyin tackles and get mud splattered all over their beautiful blue, black and white uniforms. I’ve never wanted to play football in my life, and at my size, I doubt anyone would allow me on the team, but watching Tammy Mattheis throwing that ball, jogging lazily across the turf, running swiftly to crash against other bodies, does something to myinsides.
I’m fourteen at this time, and in spite of what I’d experienced at the hands of my biological parents, I’m something of an innocent. I’m not ignorant, just ingenuous. Just because I’ve been penetrated and fucked, it doesn’t mean I know anything about the exhilaration that comes over me whenever I look at this towering, dark haired icon whose hand held mine for the duration of a
prayer.These are
chapter six: jamie (high school)
It all starts in September, right after high school begins, on a Sunday at church. It’s such a small thing. He simply holds my hand while we have prayer…and I’ve been obsessed ever since.
Stacy’s the first and onlyone I’ve told, and it takes me a long, long time, at least a few weeks after school starts, to work up the courage. We’ve been passing notes back and forth, writing about the massive crush she’s developed on Ray Battle. He got held back in sixth grade so he and his sister Yvette are both seniors. She’s a snob but Ray’s prettycool. We three hang out a lot, mostly with the youth at the Baptist church, manyof whom attend the high school with us. I don’t go to church as often as I used to, but lately I’ve been willing to attend again. It’s where I can see Tammy Mattheis when we’re not in school.
Before I tell Stacy that I’m in love, I make her swear. Not to laugh at me. Not to think I’m a freak. Not to tell another living soul, not Lydia, or Sylvie, or Patti or Deeanna, not Ray, or that other dude Benny…not even Lloyd, as long as she lives. She promises, and when I tell her, she’s so great. She doesn’t say, “So you are gay!” She just hugs me and says, “Oh, myGod, Jamie! He’s so hot !”
He’s at least two or three years mysenior, stands at least six feet one inches tall, his fatless, flawless body weighing in at oneeightyor one-eighty-five. He stalks the campus like he owns it. He dresses in tee-shirts fit to flatter, jeans that hug his superb rearend, Nike shoes, and his letterman jacket draped over those ample shoulders.
But it’s not just the stuff that’s so obvious about him, the beauty and confidence that is immediate and on the surface. There is something in his eyes , a real and solid presence of mind. He’s verysmart, with a self-possession that unnerves me. Believe me when I say, that is what really makes him irresistible to me. If he was the typical jock airhead, a big, dumb muscle, he wouldn’t make me swoon as I do. I’m not one of his dozen or so bimbos. None of the other jocks interest me. Not a one of them can compete.
My heart pounds mercilessly in my chest and a hot blush stains the white skin of my throat and face when I see him, hear his voice, hear his name, think about him or even talk about him. “Oh my God,“ I sigh and hug her back, burying my scarlet face against her neck. “He is!”
Mysecret brings us closer. Our notes are now about Ray and Tammy. We’ve always heard that Mr. Monroe takes notes and reads them aloud to class when he catches people passing them. One day he takes a note from a girl and reads every private, embarrassing word to everyone. After that, Stacy and I are extremelycautious, and our grade point averages climb a notch or
two.We go to the Friday night football games to watch the guys
we’re in love with collide noisilyin tackles and get mud splattered all over their beautiful blue, black and white uniforms. I’ve never wanted to play football in my life, and at my size, I doubt anyone would allow me on the team, but watching Tammy Mattheis throwing that ball, jogging lazily across the turf, running swiftly to crash against other bodies, does something to myinsides.
I’m fourteen at this time, and in spite of what I’d experienced at the hands of my biological parents, I’m something of an innocent. I’m not ignorant, just ingenuous. Just because I’ve been penetrated and fucked, it doesn’t mean I know anything about the exhilaration that comes over me whenever I look at this towering, dark haired icon whose hand held mine for the duration of a
prayer.These are
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