and the ACT in Australia. In these states, couples – including same-sex couples in the ACT – are allowed some private time every two months, where the inmate has a sentence of over three years.
Often, though, lack of sex can be turned into a perverse sense of control for many couples. To defy the prison’s base culture by successfully maintaining a celibate relationship is a victory for the prisoners (in green uniforms) over the screws (in blue). She loves me anyway. She comes to see me anyway. “The denial of intimacy” by the subjects in Dream Lovers “was often perceived as an integral ingredient in the ‘success’ of their relationships. Some women insisted that the restrictions placed on their marriage gave it more meaning and depth.”
Yet Sheila Isenberg, in Women Who Love Men Who Kill , says that the crimwife phenomenon:
involves a complicated series of reasons. The first reason is that if you are in a relationship with a man behind bars for life or a man on Death Row, then you have a lot of control over the relationship. You can decide when to make the visit, when to accept the phone call, or if you will accept the call, and you are that man’s primary link with the outside world. So as you can clearly see it’s a very powerful position to be in … Some of these women may actually feel safer in these relationships. When their partner is incarcerated, he can’t hit her or be abusive.
Why is control such a strange thing for women to want? For those who’ve been assaulted, control is a good thing. Perhaps having a partner in a cage or on a computer screen is the thinking woman’s best option.
If violence, abuse, and injustice are in a crimwife’s history, the lawlessness of the inmate may be the ultimate attraction. For a woman who has tried to keep to the rules and failed, or has been mistreated simply for being female, a criminal represents the ultimate fantasy of freedom: someone who is prepared to do what they want, and cop the result square on the chin. I believe that a lot of professional women turned crimwife, the lawyers, doctors, psychologists and screws, meet an inmate at a point in their lives when they are tired. They have worked, paid their bills and fulfilled all their duties, but being female still feels like the ultimate weakness. A master’s degree won’t stop a stalker, a sleazy boss, or a violent boyfriend. Sometimes women dream of being with someone who will protect them, and the inmate with his range of hyper-masculine charm and bravado fits this to a tee. While traditional feminine traits like compassion, nurture and senseless devotion are useful for a crimwife, most analysts have overlooked the possibility that, rather than wanting to rescue, some women want a saviour of their own. Plenty of people are insecure or have a need for drama. I agree that these things are part of the attraction. I just don’t see what makes them so bad.
The crimwife may also see her relationship as more honest than non-jail romances, because her partner’s wrongdoing is there on record. Unlike in the case of a guy on the outside, she knows what she is up against. His crimes are there for the world to see. His sins are not a mystery.
Yet a pervading theme in crimwife cases is a willingness to believe in her partner, though not necessarily in his innocence. Willcox Bailey’s interviewees “each claimed that their prisoner-husband’s ability to communicate was the best part of their marriage and marvelled at their partner’s success in revealing his ‘true self’ to them – something the ‘free’ men in their previous relationships had been reluctant or unable to do.” Perhaps this is the characteristic that distinguishes women who date crims from women who play by the rules. In jail it is easy to believe. The evidence of his wrongdoing to her or to society is invisible in a visits room. A relationship consisting of love letters, hurried phone calls and restricted visits is made
Often, though, lack of sex can be turned into a perverse sense of control for many couples. To defy the prison’s base culture by successfully maintaining a celibate relationship is a victory for the prisoners (in green uniforms) over the screws (in blue). She loves me anyway. She comes to see me anyway. “The denial of intimacy” by the subjects in Dream Lovers “was often perceived as an integral ingredient in the ‘success’ of their relationships. Some women insisted that the restrictions placed on their marriage gave it more meaning and depth.”
Yet Sheila Isenberg, in Women Who Love Men Who Kill , says that the crimwife phenomenon:
involves a complicated series of reasons. The first reason is that if you are in a relationship with a man behind bars for life or a man on Death Row, then you have a lot of control over the relationship. You can decide when to make the visit, when to accept the phone call, or if you will accept the call, and you are that man’s primary link with the outside world. So as you can clearly see it’s a very powerful position to be in … Some of these women may actually feel safer in these relationships. When their partner is incarcerated, he can’t hit her or be abusive.
Why is control such a strange thing for women to want? For those who’ve been assaulted, control is a good thing. Perhaps having a partner in a cage or on a computer screen is the thinking woman’s best option.
If violence, abuse, and injustice are in a crimwife’s history, the lawlessness of the inmate may be the ultimate attraction. For a woman who has tried to keep to the rules and failed, or has been mistreated simply for being female, a criminal represents the ultimate fantasy of freedom: someone who is prepared to do what they want, and cop the result square on the chin. I believe that a lot of professional women turned crimwife, the lawyers, doctors, psychologists and screws, meet an inmate at a point in their lives when they are tired. They have worked, paid their bills and fulfilled all their duties, but being female still feels like the ultimate weakness. A master’s degree won’t stop a stalker, a sleazy boss, or a violent boyfriend. Sometimes women dream of being with someone who will protect them, and the inmate with his range of hyper-masculine charm and bravado fits this to a tee. While traditional feminine traits like compassion, nurture and senseless devotion are useful for a crimwife, most analysts have overlooked the possibility that, rather than wanting to rescue, some women want a saviour of their own. Plenty of people are insecure or have a need for drama. I agree that these things are part of the attraction. I just don’t see what makes them so bad.
The crimwife may also see her relationship as more honest than non-jail romances, because her partner’s wrongdoing is there on record. Unlike in the case of a guy on the outside, she knows what she is up against. His crimes are there for the world to see. His sins are not a mystery.
Yet a pervading theme in crimwife cases is a willingness to believe in her partner, though not necessarily in his innocence. Willcox Bailey’s interviewees “each claimed that their prisoner-husband’s ability to communicate was the best part of their marriage and marvelled at their partner’s success in revealing his ‘true self’ to them – something the ‘free’ men in their previous relationships had been reluctant or unable to do.” Perhaps this is the characteristic that distinguishes women who date crims from women who play by the rules. In jail it is easy to believe. The evidence of his wrongdoing to her or to society is invisible in a visits room. A relationship consisting of love letters, hurried phone calls and restricted visits is made
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