return to the very behaviors that they’ve been trying so desperately to avoid.
The Johari Window
We can be blind in numerous ways to the things that really matter with cravings and thus begin to believe, erroneously, that we are immune. To help you understand this important idea, we’re going to review a concept called the Johari window. The Johari window is a tool developed by two psychologists in the mid-1950s and describes a way of looking at ourselves based on what we know, what we hide, what we can’t see, and what nobody can see. As you look at the diagram, think of everything that is true about you. Think of all of your traits, interests, hobbies, personality characteristics, struggles, strengths, and weaknesses. Now, among all of those things that you know about yourself, the things that others know about you belong in the first or “open” quadrant. While not all of your friends know these things about you, the things in this quadrant are known to you and to some of the people you know. It could be that they are people who are close to you, or maybe friends or loved ones whom you trust. I sometimes call this first quadrant the transparent quadrant, because it tends to include facts about you that are more easily known by others.
The things that you know about yourself but others don’t know belong in the second “secret” or “hidden” quadrant. Sharing some of what’s in the second quadrant can be very frightening. Self-disclosure of this sort is, of course, emotionally risky. What do I mean by “emotionally risky”? I mean that if you share these secrets, people might criticize you, shun you, or not want anything to do with you when you tell them about these parts of you. You could get your feelings hurt. Actually, you will get your feelings hurt. That’s why it is so important to pick the right people to be open with and to constantly evaluate the relationships to make sure they are safe and loving enough to risk this sort of disclosure. This is not a recommendation to go and share your darkest secrets with the world. But at the right time, and in the right context and with the right people, taking these types of risks is absolutely essential to our growth. Start slowly and take it easy. You’ll know when it’s right if you listen to your inner voice, and you can do a little at a time to try it on for size. This process is exactly how we grow emotionally and become more mature in our response to life and its opportunities and challenges.
By the way, this type of self-disclosure is also the essence of being tough. Despite what you see in the movies and on TV, toughness does not mean holding back your emotions and being an impenetrable stone wall. That would be the opposite of courageous: the total avoidance of emotional risk.
Rather, toughness is about seeking the right relationships, where vulnerability and openness can be risked. It means being willing to experience pain when it’s the right time. It’s very easy to become falsely convinced that being tough means hiding emotionally.
This sort of deception is remarkably powerful and seductive, and a constant battle when it comes to craving. It tricks you into believing that your truth is not strong enough or worthy enough to share. Truth, however, is tough. That is its nature. Supreme Court justice Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. said it best: “Truth is tough. It will not break, like a bubble, at the touch; nay, you may kick it about all day like a football, and it will be round and full at evening” Find a safe place and a loving, trusting friend. Take your truth out and share it. Kick it around a bit, on your terms. The results will be remarkable.
One sometimes surprising and nearly inevitable side effect of this type of self-disclosure, when done in a safe relationship, is intimacy. As you learned in chapter 6 , spirituality and connectedness (and, by extension, intimacy) are essential to releasing your cravings. That’s why this second
The Johari Window
We can be blind in numerous ways to the things that really matter with cravings and thus begin to believe, erroneously, that we are immune. To help you understand this important idea, we’re going to review a concept called the Johari window. The Johari window is a tool developed by two psychologists in the mid-1950s and describes a way of looking at ourselves based on what we know, what we hide, what we can’t see, and what nobody can see. As you look at the diagram, think of everything that is true about you. Think of all of your traits, interests, hobbies, personality characteristics, struggles, strengths, and weaknesses. Now, among all of those things that you know about yourself, the things that others know about you belong in the first or “open” quadrant. While not all of your friends know these things about you, the things in this quadrant are known to you and to some of the people you know. It could be that they are people who are close to you, or maybe friends or loved ones whom you trust. I sometimes call this first quadrant the transparent quadrant, because it tends to include facts about you that are more easily known by others.
The things that you know about yourself but others don’t know belong in the second “secret” or “hidden” quadrant. Sharing some of what’s in the second quadrant can be very frightening. Self-disclosure of this sort is, of course, emotionally risky. What do I mean by “emotionally risky”? I mean that if you share these secrets, people might criticize you, shun you, or not want anything to do with you when you tell them about these parts of you. You could get your feelings hurt. Actually, you will get your feelings hurt. That’s why it is so important to pick the right people to be open with and to constantly evaluate the relationships to make sure they are safe and loving enough to risk this sort of disclosure. This is not a recommendation to go and share your darkest secrets with the world. But at the right time, and in the right context and with the right people, taking these types of risks is absolutely essential to our growth. Start slowly and take it easy. You’ll know when it’s right if you listen to your inner voice, and you can do a little at a time to try it on for size. This process is exactly how we grow emotionally and become more mature in our response to life and its opportunities and challenges.
By the way, this type of self-disclosure is also the essence of being tough. Despite what you see in the movies and on TV, toughness does not mean holding back your emotions and being an impenetrable stone wall. That would be the opposite of courageous: the total avoidance of emotional risk.
Rather, toughness is about seeking the right relationships, where vulnerability and openness can be risked. It means being willing to experience pain when it’s the right time. It’s very easy to become falsely convinced that being tough means hiding emotionally.
This sort of deception is remarkably powerful and seductive, and a constant battle when it comes to craving. It tricks you into believing that your truth is not strong enough or worthy enough to share. Truth, however, is tough. That is its nature. Supreme Court justice Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. said it best: “Truth is tough. It will not break, like a bubble, at the touch; nay, you may kick it about all day like a football, and it will be round and full at evening” Find a safe place and a loving, trusting friend. Take your truth out and share it. Kick it around a bit, on your terms. The results will be remarkable.
One sometimes surprising and nearly inevitable side effect of this type of self-disclosure, when done in a safe relationship, is intimacy. As you learned in chapter 6 , spirituality and connectedness (and, by extension, intimacy) are essential to releasing your cravings. That’s why this second
Similar Books
