Read Online Crash by Eve Silver - Free Book Online Page B

shows the world. The way he got to know me and let me knowhim, like he didn’t really want to let me in but couldn’t seem to help himself.
    â€œYou’re different now.” Different than when I first met him.
    â€œA little,” he says, then goes quiet for so long that I think we’re done here, that he’s changed his mind about letting me take a peek at his soul. That he’s said all he’s going to say.
    Jackson surprises me when he keeps going. “I’ve seen lots of people die in the game, their cons go red. I’ve felt it every time, like a punch to the gut. Loss. Guilt. I didn’t mourn them. I didn’t let myself mourn them. Didn’t let myself have any vulnerability.
    â€œBut Richelle . . . she was different. Losing her was different. I respected her, liked her. Maybe even loved her a little.” He pauses. “Not in a romantic way. But in a way I hadn’t let myself feel in a long time, like I cared what happened to her. She mattered . And I didn’t let myself recognize that until she was gone.”
    I nod, not daring to say anything, worried that even the sound of my voice might derail him, might stop him from talking, from telling me things I never, ever thought he’d share. It’s like he’s giving me a gift, giving me a tangible piece of himself to help me deal with what I’m going through.
    â€œHer death was on me,” he says. “My fault.” I shake my head, but he doesn’t let me protest. “But her fault, too. Her con went orange. She knew the routine. Fall back. Defenseonly. She made a bad choice.”
    â€œBut if I hadn’t been there,” I say. “If you hadn’t been watching my back—”
    â€œNo ifs, Miki. Chances are, even if you hadn’t been there, I wouldn’t have been able to save her, because I trusted Richelle to save herself. Sometimes, nothing you do or say can change the outcome.”
    I sink down onto the couch. “Like Mom,” I say. I’m too scared to say, Like what happens to Dad and Carly tonight .
    Jackson settles down beside me. He leans forward so his elbows rest on his thighs, his hands hanging loose between his knees, his head bowed.
    â€œRemember that mission where Tyrone was so messed up?”
    The mission after Richelle died.
    â€œI went to see him after. We talked.” He turns his head toward me. “You’re surprised.”
    â€œNeither of you ever let on that you had any sort of connection outside the game.”
    â€œWe didn’t. Not till then. Tyrone said something that really clicked. That he was glad he knew her, glad he loved her, even glad for the pain of losing her because it meant he’d let himself experience loving her.” He runs his fingers back through his hair in a totally un-Jackson gesture. “That made me think about Lizzie. About all my memories of her and how no matter how much it hurt when she died, I wouldn’t trade those memories, wouldn’t have traded having a sister, just to spare myself the pain.”
    â€œYou can’t recognize true joy if you’ve never known heartbreak,” I say. “Pain makes you stronger. Fear makes you braver. Tears teach you to laugh. You can’t know hope if you’ve never known despair. My friends sent me every inspirational cliché under the sun after Mom died.” I pause. “I hated them at the time. They seemed like such bullshit.”
    â€œAnd now?”
    â€œNow I think maybe there’s some truth to them, if I let myself look for it.” I nudge his knee with mine. “You?”
    â€œEver since Lizzie died, I believed that letting someone in, caring about them . . . it gives them power over you, whether they plan it that way or not. It gives them the power to leave, to hurt you. Why do that? Why give anyone that power? You open your heart and you’re just begging for a beat down.” He