here for more than three hours! Precisely the amount of time I have been laughed at— again—by everyone at court!”
I curtsied as deep as I was able. “I had hoped you might accompany me, my lord, but since your presence was required by Her Majesty, I only thought to bring myself to your side as quickly as possible. I did not know the roads in the place. I did not know what kind of villains might await me. I only knew you would have no wish for your own wife to be overtaken by some rude person. If I have erred, please count it as ignorance and seek to remedy the fault through education. I would only do what brings you the most honor.”
“What would do me the most honor is to have you return yourself to Lytham House forthwith.” He held out his hand, ostensibly to help me mount.
I placed mine into his and took advantage of our nearness to say one thing more. Though it destroyed me to do it, I heard myself pleading with him. “You must help me. I will be any kind of wife you want. You must only tell me what it is that you expect. I have no wish to see you laughed at. My sole desire is to see your honor grow. You must believe me!”
He only hoisted me up into the saddle rather rudely, made a stiff bow, and then turned on his heel and left.
Nicholas handed me my reins. “My lady, he is not the man you think he is.”
“Please do not tell me that he is less, for I do not know how I could bear it.”
The last thing I saw in leaving was Nicholas’s face. His eyes. Their gaze was softened by great pity.
Nicholas began to flay me with words as soon as we reached Lytham House. At least he waited until I had gained my chambers.
“You kick at her at every turn as if she were an unruly pup. Even the most obstinate of beasts can be trained. And she is not a beast, my lord, she is a lovely girl. To please you is her only wish.”
“Then she wishes for the impossible.”
“Truly, my lord? Are you truly such a misanthropist as that? Did Elinor leave you nothing in her going?”
“Do not speak to me of her.”
“I do not understand, my lord. It is not as if you had loved her.”
Love. “Nay. I committed a worse crime than that: I trusted her.
I trusted her and she turned me into a cuckold. Had she not lost all reason, then I could never have gotten an annulment. Parliament would only have laughed at me and instructed me to tie her up like some animal in heat to keep the mongrels from coming round.”
“So ’tis for want of trust you keep her at some distance, my lord?”
“Aye.” Trust was a valuable commodity at court. Traded by everyone, but possessed by no one. Its rarity was surpassed only by love. For love implied commitment, and how could any of us commit ourselves to any but the Queen? Love implied singularity, and how could any of us benefit another if our affections were bound to one in exclusivity? Love was never looked for and rarely found. When it was, it always ended badly. Far better not to confuse love with pleasure. That way, one could love the Queen with abandon and pursue carnal bliss, as exemplified by Essex, at leisure. I had learned my lessons. In both love and trust.
“Forgive me for asking, my lord, but how can you learn to trust her if you do not first learn to know her?”
“And that, you see, is why I will not know her. Find some other dead horse to beat.”
Still, the girl’s words haunted me during the dark of the night.
“My sole desire is to see your honor grow. . . . You must only tell me what it is that you expect.”
How was it that at every turn she seemed to disappoint me?
By being beautiful? By being moldable? By desiring to be a wife I actually wanted? One that I needed? What was it that I expected?
I expected Elinor. That is what I expected. And if she met that expectation, then she could never fail to disappoint me.
8
A t night, those first weeks at Lytham House, I dreamt of my home. Of King’s Lynn. When I woke from those dreams, I could still smell
I curtsied as deep as I was able. “I had hoped you might accompany me, my lord, but since your presence was required by Her Majesty, I only thought to bring myself to your side as quickly as possible. I did not know the roads in the place. I did not know what kind of villains might await me. I only knew you would have no wish for your own wife to be overtaken by some rude person. If I have erred, please count it as ignorance and seek to remedy the fault through education. I would only do what brings you the most honor.”
“What would do me the most honor is to have you return yourself to Lytham House forthwith.” He held out his hand, ostensibly to help me mount.
I placed mine into his and took advantage of our nearness to say one thing more. Though it destroyed me to do it, I heard myself pleading with him. “You must help me. I will be any kind of wife you want. You must only tell me what it is that you expect. I have no wish to see you laughed at. My sole desire is to see your honor grow. You must believe me!”
He only hoisted me up into the saddle rather rudely, made a stiff bow, and then turned on his heel and left.
Nicholas handed me my reins. “My lady, he is not the man you think he is.”
“Please do not tell me that he is less, for I do not know how I could bear it.”
The last thing I saw in leaving was Nicholas’s face. His eyes. Their gaze was softened by great pity.
Nicholas began to flay me with words as soon as we reached Lytham House. At least he waited until I had gained my chambers.
“You kick at her at every turn as if she were an unruly pup. Even the most obstinate of beasts can be trained. And she is not a beast, my lord, she is a lovely girl. To please you is her only wish.”
“Then she wishes for the impossible.”
“Truly, my lord? Are you truly such a misanthropist as that? Did Elinor leave you nothing in her going?”
“Do not speak to me of her.”
“I do not understand, my lord. It is not as if you had loved her.”
Love. “Nay. I committed a worse crime than that: I trusted her.
I trusted her and she turned me into a cuckold. Had she not lost all reason, then I could never have gotten an annulment. Parliament would only have laughed at me and instructed me to tie her up like some animal in heat to keep the mongrels from coming round.”
“So ’tis for want of trust you keep her at some distance, my lord?”
“Aye.” Trust was a valuable commodity at court. Traded by everyone, but possessed by no one. Its rarity was surpassed only by love. For love implied commitment, and how could any of us commit ourselves to any but the Queen? Love implied singularity, and how could any of us benefit another if our affections were bound to one in exclusivity? Love was never looked for and rarely found. When it was, it always ended badly. Far better not to confuse love with pleasure. That way, one could love the Queen with abandon and pursue carnal bliss, as exemplified by Essex, at leisure. I had learned my lessons. In both love and trust.
“Forgive me for asking, my lord, but how can you learn to trust her if you do not first learn to know her?”
“And that, you see, is why I will not know her. Find some other dead horse to beat.”
Still, the girl’s words haunted me during the dark of the night.
“My sole desire is to see your honor grow. . . . You must only tell me what it is that you expect.”
How was it that at every turn she seemed to disappoint me?
By being beautiful? By being moldable? By desiring to be a wife I actually wanted? One that I needed? What was it that I expected?
I expected Elinor. That is what I expected. And if she met that expectation, then she could never fail to disappoint me.
8
A t night, those first weeks at Lytham House, I dreamt of my home. Of King’s Lynn. When I woke from those dreams, I could still smell
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