Read Online Complete Works, Volume III by Harold Pinter - Free Book Online
Authors: Harold Pinter
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liberality of spirit, to reassure us. We do expect that. But do we get it? Have we got it? Is that what you've given us?
Pause.
TEDDY. Yes.
JOEY comes down the stairs and into the room, with a newspaper.
LENNY ( to JOEY ). How'd you get on?
JOEY . Er . . . not bad.
LENNY . What do you mean?
Pause.
What do you mean?
JOEY . Not bad.
LENNY . I want to know what you mean – by not bad.
JOEY . What's it got to do with you?
LENNY . Joey, you tell your brother everything.
Pause.
JOEY . I didn't get all the way.
LENNY . You didn't get all the way?
Pause.
( With emphasis .) You didn't get all the way?
But you've had her up there for two hours.
JOEY . Well?
LENNY . You didn't get all the way and you've had her up there for two hours!
JOEY . What about it?
LENNY moves closer to him.
LENNY . What are you telling me?
JOEY . What do you mean?
LENNY . Are you telling me she's a tease?
Pause.
She's a tease!
Pause.
What do you think of that, Ted? Your wife turns out to be a tease. He's had her up there for two hours and he didn't go the whole hog.
JOEY . I didn't say she was a tease.
LENNY . Are you joking? It sounds like a tease to me, don't it to you, Ted?
TEDDY . Perhaps he hasn't got the right touch.
LENNY . Joey? Not the right touch? Don't be ridiculous. He's had more dolly than you've had cream cakes. He's irresistible. He's one of the few and far between. Tell him about the last bird you had, Joey.
Pause.
JOEY . What bird?
LENNY. The last bird! When we stopped the car . . .
JOEY . Oh, that . . . yes . . . well, we were in Lenny's car one night last week . . .
LENNY . The Alfa.
JOEY . And er . . . bowling down the road . . .
LENNY . Up near the Scrubs.
JOEY . Yes, up over by the Scrubs . . .
LENNY . We were doing a little survey of North Paddington.
JOEY . And er . . . it was pretty late, wasn't it?
LENNY . Yes, it was late. Well?
Pause.
JOEY . And then we . . . well, by the kerb, we saw this parked car . . . with a couple of girls in it.
LENNY . And their escorts.
JOEY . Yes, there were two geezers in it. Anyway . . . we got out . . . and we told the . . . two escorts . . . to go away . . . which they did . . . and then we . . . got the girls out of the car . . .
LENNY . We didn't take them over the Scrubs.
JOEY . Oh, no. Not over the Scrubs. Well, the police would have noticed us there . . . you see. We took them over a bombed site.
LENNY . Rubble. In the rubble.
JOEY . Yes, plenty of rubble.
Pause.
Well . . . you know . . . then we had them.
LENNY . You've missed out the best bit. He's missed out the best bit!
JOEY . What bit?
LENNY ( to TEDDY ). His bird says to him, I don't mind, she says, but I've got to have some protection. I've got to have some contraceptive protection. I haven't got any contraceptive protection, old Joey says to her. In that case I won't do it, she says. Yes you will, says Joey, never mind about the contraceptive protection.
LENNY laughs.
Even my bird laughed when she heard that. Yes, even she gave out a bit of a laugh. So you can't say old Joey isn't a bit of a knockout when he gets going, can you? And here he is upstairs with your wife for two hours and he hasn't even been the whole hog. Well, your wife sounds like a bit of a tease to me, Ted. What do you make of it, Joey? You satisfied? Don't tell me you're satisfied without going the whole hog?
Pause.
JOEY . I’ve been the whole hog plenty of times. Sometimes . . . you can be happy . . . and not go the whole hog. Now and again . . . you can be happy . . . without going any hog.
LENNY stares at him.
MAX and SAM come in the front door and into the room.
MAX . Where's the whore? Still in bed? She'll make us all animals.
LENNY . The girl's a tease.
MAX . What?
LENNY . She's had Joey on a string.
MAX . What do you mean?
TEDDY . He had her up there for two hours and he didn't go the whole hog.
Pause.
MAX . My Joey? She did that to my boy?
Pause.
To my youngest son? Tch, tch, tch, tch. How
Pause.
TEDDY. Yes.
JOEY comes down the stairs and into the room, with a newspaper.
LENNY ( to JOEY ). How'd you get on?
JOEY . Er . . . not bad.
LENNY . What do you mean?
Pause.
What do you mean?
JOEY . Not bad.
LENNY . I want to know what you mean – by not bad.
JOEY . What's it got to do with you?
LENNY . Joey, you tell your brother everything.
Pause.
JOEY . I didn't get all the way.
LENNY . You didn't get all the way?
Pause.
( With emphasis .) You didn't get all the way?
But you've had her up there for two hours.
JOEY . Well?
LENNY . You didn't get all the way and you've had her up there for two hours!
JOEY . What about it?
LENNY moves closer to him.
LENNY . What are you telling me?
JOEY . What do you mean?
LENNY . Are you telling me she's a tease?
Pause.
She's a tease!
Pause.
What do you think of that, Ted? Your wife turns out to be a tease. He's had her up there for two hours and he didn't go the whole hog.
JOEY . I didn't say she was a tease.
LENNY . Are you joking? It sounds like a tease to me, don't it to you, Ted?
TEDDY . Perhaps he hasn't got the right touch.
LENNY . Joey? Not the right touch? Don't be ridiculous. He's had more dolly than you've had cream cakes. He's irresistible. He's one of the few and far between. Tell him about the last bird you had, Joey.
Pause.
JOEY . What bird?
LENNY. The last bird! When we stopped the car . . .
JOEY . Oh, that . . . yes . . . well, we were in Lenny's car one night last week . . .
LENNY . The Alfa.
JOEY . And er . . . bowling down the road . . .
LENNY . Up near the Scrubs.
JOEY . Yes, up over by the Scrubs . . .
LENNY . We were doing a little survey of North Paddington.
JOEY . And er . . . it was pretty late, wasn't it?
LENNY . Yes, it was late. Well?
Pause.
JOEY . And then we . . . well, by the kerb, we saw this parked car . . . with a couple of girls in it.
LENNY . And their escorts.
JOEY . Yes, there were two geezers in it. Anyway . . . we got out . . . and we told the . . . two escorts . . . to go away . . . which they did . . . and then we . . . got the girls out of the car . . .
LENNY . We didn't take them over the Scrubs.
JOEY . Oh, no. Not over the Scrubs. Well, the police would have noticed us there . . . you see. We took them over a bombed site.
LENNY . Rubble. In the rubble.
JOEY . Yes, plenty of rubble.
Pause.
Well . . . you know . . . then we had them.
LENNY . You've missed out the best bit. He's missed out the best bit!
JOEY . What bit?
LENNY ( to TEDDY ). His bird says to him, I don't mind, she says, but I've got to have some protection. I've got to have some contraceptive protection. I haven't got any contraceptive protection, old Joey says to her. In that case I won't do it, she says. Yes you will, says Joey, never mind about the contraceptive protection.
LENNY laughs.
Even my bird laughed when she heard that. Yes, even she gave out a bit of a laugh. So you can't say old Joey isn't a bit of a knockout when he gets going, can you? And here he is upstairs with your wife for two hours and he hasn't even been the whole hog. Well, your wife sounds like a bit of a tease to me, Ted. What do you make of it, Joey? You satisfied? Don't tell me you're satisfied without going the whole hog?
Pause.
JOEY . I’ve been the whole hog plenty of times. Sometimes . . . you can be happy . . . and not go the whole hog. Now and again . . . you can be happy . . . without going any hog.
LENNY stares at him.
MAX and SAM come in the front door and into the room.
MAX . Where's the whore? Still in bed? She'll make us all animals.
LENNY . The girl's a tease.
MAX . What?
LENNY . She's had Joey on a string.
MAX . What do you mean?
TEDDY . He had her up there for two hours and he didn't go the whole hog.
Pause.
MAX . My Joey? She did that to my boy?
Pause.
To my youngest son? Tch, tch, tch, tch. How
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