Read Online ClarenceBN by Sarah M. Anderson - Free Book Online Page B

could feel the heat from his body.  
    The air was tight with tension that hung in that narrow space between their bodies. She could tell she’d offended him and she wanted to reassure him that it wasn’t him—it was her. She didn’t. Yes, it was the truth, but she knew how it’d sound if she said it out loud and she didn’t want to hurt him.  
    He leaned forward and set his glass back on the table next to hers and then covered her hand with his. “Which part didn’t work?”
    “Sorry?”
    He picked up her hand and kissed the back of it. “Something didn’t work for you. Which part?”
    She’d never been asked that before—who would ask? Ezra? No. He’d bought the beer and taken her out on a deserted road and told her what she wanted to hear and, yeah, she’d enjoyed it. She’d enjoyed his attention, his promises. But the first time had hurt so badly and she’d made herself not cry because she didn’t want to upset him. He’d never asked how it was for her. Not the first time, not any time after.  
    Because he’d never really cared about her.
    “I . . .” She took a deep breath. “Actually, it was amazing.” She didn’t feel that was strong enough, so she rephrased. “You were amazing.”
    He stroked his thumb over her knuckles and she could tell he was smiling. But several seconds passed and he said, “But . . .”
    He was asking. At the very least, she owed him her honesty. “I can’t stay with you. I can’t put my hopes and dreams into a future that I can’t be sure will actually exist tomorrow.”
    He thought about that for a while. “I won’t play with you, Tammy. That’s not how I am.”
    Oh, hell—she was hurting his feelings. “I know,” she said quickly. “And even if it does sound lame, it’s the truth—it’s not you. It’s me. It’s not that I don’t take you at your word.”
    “Then what is it?”
    “I just—look, I just need to stay in the now. One day at a time. Mikey has to come first and what happens between us . . .”  
    He kissed her hand again, but didn’t say anything.
    “I was selfish once,” she heard herself say in a whisper. “I was selfish and stupid and I have to get up every single day and face that fact. And I love him so much—I didn’t know I could love another person like I love my son. He’s an amazing kid, you know? But . . .” She took a deep breath. “I can’t afford to be selfish again. Not even for someone as good as you.”
    “I see.” But he didn’t release her hand, didn’t tell her to get a move on. He just sat there. She couldn’t tell if that was a good thing or not. “And this today—this was selfish?”
    “I don’t know,” she admitted. “I wanted you. I still want you.” That was the truth of it. She wanted him and yet, she felt like she didn’t deserve him.
    He chuckled. “Well, that’s a relief.”
    She tried to smile, but she didn’t do an awesome job.
    “So,” he went on, sounding lighter. “The sex was okay—”
    “Amazing,” she corrected, her face growing hot.
    “Agreed. Amazing. The part where I went wrong was . . . not staying in the present?”
    “I guess that’s it.” She felt ridiculous when he put it like that. “That and the stretch marks.” She tried to laugh. “They’re just so . . . ugly.”
    This time, he didn’t just kiss her hand. He leaned over and kissed her lips and all the glorious warmth flowed between them again. “You are beautiful. I don’t want to hear you down on yourself again, okay?”
    “Okay,” she said. It came out soft and even a little weak.
    “You’re going to have to leave soon,” he said, staring into her eyes. “But we still have a little time now .”
    She couldn’t keep the smile off her face. “Yes,” she agreed. This time, she was the one to stand and pull him into her. “I think we do.”

Chapter Seven
    Somehow, a month passed—one of the best months in Tammy’s memory.  
    Every Saturday, she had lunch with Clarence and then they