with the crisp air of the employed about them. They sit ceremoniously in the circle surrounding ours while Chip hands out sheets of mint-green paper, a color that ‘deeply troubled’ Doris. ‘ Scenario ’ is written at the top in bold letters. As I scan down the page I learn that I’m now Sheila Smith, recently stationed on an ‘engagement’ for Teens Make Up company, with the objective of convincing my team to ‘reformat their strategy from explicit to implicit’.
‘You’ll have fifteen minutes for this simulation,’ Chip’s voice booms to us from the two-foot distance between his circle and ours. ‘And … go!’
A man with overly gelled hair begins, ‘I have a proposedplan of action for which I think there are multiple reasons to consider its flexibility. I’d like to begin with our market share …’ And I haven’t got a fucking clue. Not a single one. All I know is that someone wearing way, way too much Polo cologne is scribbling notes behind me.
Everyone in the group keeps interrupting one another using terms I’ve never heard before: ‘emotional data’, ‘tectonic client shift’, ‘SMEs’, ‘RFPs’ and a lot of talk about a ‘multi-boutique asset management model’. Then a blonde with dark roots announces, ‘I’m Sheila Smith, and I’m working at Teens Make Up Company—’
‘Wait – you’re Sheila?’ Everyone stares incredulously at me. Sheila glares. ‘It’s just that I’m Sheila.’ I turn to the circle surrounding us. ‘Is that right? Should there be two of us?’ Everyone gasps.
Chip is the first to recover. ‘Well, we can’t proceed after that , so we’ll just move on to your individual case interviews.’
Sheila’s eyes well and she spits at me under her breath, ‘Thanks. Thanks a lot .’
‘Girl,’ Chip crooks his finger in my direction, ‘you’ll be starting with Stu.’ I gather my folder and follow Stu down a long hallway to an empty cubicle, where we both take a seat. He pulls off his glasses and rubs his forehead fast and hard before refocusing his eyes on my résumé, and then the attached memo from Mrs Roberts. ‘What other consulting companies are you meeting with?’
‘None. I mean, this is my first. I’m just starting to look, so—’
‘Right. How many years of internal consulting have you booked?’
‘Well, I’ve been working as a program assistant over the last two and a half years, which enabled me to take part in a number of interesting research projects—’
‘Uh-huh. So what would you do?’ Stu tosses my résumé down onto the desk. ‘As Sheila, what would be your next move?’ I think back to my mousy blonde nemesis with the tapping foot. Highlights with a semi-permanent caramel rinse?
‘Sorry, just to be sure, this interview is for the pro-bono division, right?’
He chuckles. ‘ They’re not hiring. This is for Insurance, Property, and Assets.’
‘Oh! Okay, well, if you could just explain a bit more about this whole exercise, I’m sure I could give you the information you’re looking for. Maybe you could just give me a quick overview of the kind of work you do here – then I could speak directly to that.’
Chip pops his head over the cubicle wall, like a puppeteer. ‘Stu?’
‘Yeah?’
‘You ready for Monica to join?’
‘Sure, yeah.’
A brunette rounds the corner, her tailored shirt blousing perfectly over her pencil skirt. I look from one naked felt wall to the other, wishing there was at least a bumper sticker’s worth of information about the company, instead of just its name pulsing from every surface. If only their website had been a tad more forthcoming: reverseengineering, privileged insights, intangible assets – um, Pat, I’d like to buy a noun? ‘I’m sorry, I was under the impression that I would be speaking with your pro-bono division.’
‘Monz, Sheila wants us to give her some background.’
‘Yes, it would really help me to help you if you could just tell me a bit, say, about
‘You’ll have fifteen minutes for this simulation,’ Chip’s voice booms to us from the two-foot distance between his circle and ours. ‘And … go!’
A man with overly gelled hair begins, ‘I have a proposedplan of action for which I think there are multiple reasons to consider its flexibility. I’d like to begin with our market share …’ And I haven’t got a fucking clue. Not a single one. All I know is that someone wearing way, way too much Polo cologne is scribbling notes behind me.
Everyone in the group keeps interrupting one another using terms I’ve never heard before: ‘emotional data’, ‘tectonic client shift’, ‘SMEs’, ‘RFPs’ and a lot of talk about a ‘multi-boutique asset management model’. Then a blonde with dark roots announces, ‘I’m Sheila Smith, and I’m working at Teens Make Up Company—’
‘Wait – you’re Sheila?’ Everyone stares incredulously at me. Sheila glares. ‘It’s just that I’m Sheila.’ I turn to the circle surrounding us. ‘Is that right? Should there be two of us?’ Everyone gasps.
Chip is the first to recover. ‘Well, we can’t proceed after that , so we’ll just move on to your individual case interviews.’
Sheila’s eyes well and she spits at me under her breath, ‘Thanks. Thanks a lot .’
‘Girl,’ Chip crooks his finger in my direction, ‘you’ll be starting with Stu.’ I gather my folder and follow Stu down a long hallway to an empty cubicle, where we both take a seat. He pulls off his glasses and rubs his forehead fast and hard before refocusing his eyes on my résumé, and then the attached memo from Mrs Roberts. ‘What other consulting companies are you meeting with?’
‘None. I mean, this is my first. I’m just starting to look, so—’
‘Right. How many years of internal consulting have you booked?’
‘Well, I’ve been working as a program assistant over the last two and a half years, which enabled me to take part in a number of interesting research projects—’
‘Uh-huh. So what would you do?’ Stu tosses my résumé down onto the desk. ‘As Sheila, what would be your next move?’ I think back to my mousy blonde nemesis with the tapping foot. Highlights with a semi-permanent caramel rinse?
‘Sorry, just to be sure, this interview is for the pro-bono division, right?’
He chuckles. ‘ They’re not hiring. This is for Insurance, Property, and Assets.’
‘Oh! Okay, well, if you could just explain a bit more about this whole exercise, I’m sure I could give you the information you’re looking for. Maybe you could just give me a quick overview of the kind of work you do here – then I could speak directly to that.’
Chip pops his head over the cubicle wall, like a puppeteer. ‘Stu?’
‘Yeah?’
‘You ready for Monica to join?’
‘Sure, yeah.’
A brunette rounds the corner, her tailored shirt blousing perfectly over her pencil skirt. I look from one naked felt wall to the other, wishing there was at least a bumper sticker’s worth of information about the company, instead of just its name pulsing from every surface. If only their website had been a tad more forthcoming: reverseengineering, privileged insights, intangible assets – um, Pat, I’d like to buy a noun? ‘I’m sorry, I was under the impression that I would be speaking with your pro-bono division.’
‘Monz, Sheila wants us to give her some background.’
‘Yes, it would really help me to help you if you could just tell me a bit, say, about
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