was really the easiest part of the
night’s discussion, at least for me.
I already have
, I
said. It was pointless to dissemble, and there was no issue of
pride between us.
Dominic brooded beside me in silence.
I
will leave you alone
, he said.
It is the only decent thing
to do. Even I should be able to wait six months. When your training
is over, we can be together then
.
I sat up on the bed, too upset to lie still,
feeling his arms drop away from me. It was difficult enough to
imagine being without him for six days, much less six months.
Dominic had not taken in the magnitude of my dilemma.
But you
don’t understand!
I cried.
Edwige was talking about years,
about most of my productive life
. To myself I was thinking:
Too old to have a child. By the time I could be with Dominic,
should he still want me then, I would be an old woman, too old to
bear his child. On Terra it was different, but here…
There was a stunned silence where Dominic was
in my mind. After a long interval he said,
Is that truly how
you feel? Amalie, dearest, do not offer such a gift
lightly
.
The thought had stunned me as well. On Terra,
with the overpopulation, the constant threat to the remaining
fragile resources, motherhood was a luxury, heavily taxed, limited
by having no accommodation made for it. Many women rejected it as
being too great a drain on one’s time and energy, deforming the
body so that more cosmetic surgery was required beyond the standard
stuff usually over and done with in one’s teens. Few people married
in any meaningful sense, so that a woman with a child was forced to
work hard for years, not just for herself, as we all did, but for
another person. I had never seriously contemplated taking on such a
burden.
Now I was in a world where most women married
early and had several children. At my age, as Edwige had pointed
out, many women were already grandmothers, sometimes more than
once. The population was still small, centuries after the original
settlement, as the early hardships had led to high levels of
mortality. Still later, ‘Graven inbreeding had created a situation
where a man in Dominic’s position would do whatever he could to
produce a healthy heir. Dominic,
vir
and preferring not to
encumber himself with the kind of household a wife would require,
had remained unmarried. But he had, more than once, fathered a
child, to ensure that Aranyi would have a lord after his death.
I had learned some of this from Dominic
himself, more at my
crypta
test. Without knowing all of
it, I had offered Dominic the greatest gift a woman could give him.
Whether he wanted or needed this gift was unimportant. I had
offered it, by worrying about being too old, by including it as a
factor in the choice I had to make.
Dominic had asked me a question.
Yes
, I said,
that is how I feel
. Had meeting him
changed my opinion of motherhood, or had my maternal desires always
been there, gaining strength as my fertile years ticked away?
Either way, I was unable to rehearse my answers with Dominic or
withhold the truth in our communion. My deepest, most honest
feelings, instead of being buried under layers of protective lies,
were all at the surface, ready to be revealed by any probing
question of his.
Then
, Dominic said,
I must offer
you an equally valuable gift in return. There is nothing truly
comparable, but I can offer you this
.
I waited, afraid he was returning to the
question of his nature, his love of young men that was so essential
to him. But I needn’t have worried.
I will leave you alone for six
months
, he said,
as I have promised. If, at that time, you
still want me, you have only to say so, and name your terms. If
not, I will accept your refusal with no argument
. There was a
determination behind his words, as if he were spitting them out
between clenched teeth, forcing himself to say something that did
not come easily.
Hurt that he could propose such a lengthy
separation, I balked at the thought of being without him all
night’s discussion, at least for me.
I already have
, I
said. It was pointless to dissemble, and there was no issue of
pride between us.
Dominic brooded beside me in silence.
I
will leave you alone
, he said.
It is the only decent thing
to do. Even I should be able to wait six months. When your training
is over, we can be together then
.
I sat up on the bed, too upset to lie still,
feeling his arms drop away from me. It was difficult enough to
imagine being without him for six days, much less six months.
Dominic had not taken in the magnitude of my dilemma.
But you
don’t understand!
I cried.
Edwige was talking about years,
about most of my productive life
. To myself I was thinking:
Too old to have a child. By the time I could be with Dominic,
should he still want me then, I would be an old woman, too old to
bear his child. On Terra it was different, but here…
There was a stunned silence where Dominic was
in my mind. After a long interval he said,
Is that truly how
you feel? Amalie, dearest, do not offer such a gift
lightly
.
The thought had stunned me as well. On Terra,
with the overpopulation, the constant threat to the remaining
fragile resources, motherhood was a luxury, heavily taxed, limited
by having no accommodation made for it. Many women rejected it as
being too great a drain on one’s time and energy, deforming the
body so that more cosmetic surgery was required beyond the standard
stuff usually over and done with in one’s teens. Few people married
in any meaningful sense, so that a woman with a child was forced to
work hard for years, not just for herself, as we all did, but for
another person. I had never seriously contemplated taking on such a
burden.
Now I was in a world where most women married
early and had several children. At my age, as Edwige had pointed
out, many women were already grandmothers, sometimes more than
once. The population was still small, centuries after the original
settlement, as the early hardships had led to high levels of
mortality. Still later, ‘Graven inbreeding had created a situation
where a man in Dominic’s position would do whatever he could to
produce a healthy heir. Dominic,
vir
and preferring not to
encumber himself with the kind of household a wife would require,
had remained unmarried. But he had, more than once, fathered a
child, to ensure that Aranyi would have a lord after his death.
I had learned some of this from Dominic
himself, more at my
crypta
test. Without knowing all of
it, I had offered Dominic the greatest gift a woman could give him.
Whether he wanted or needed this gift was unimportant. I had
offered it, by worrying about being too old, by including it as a
factor in the choice I had to make.
Dominic had asked me a question.
Yes
, I said,
that is how I feel
. Had meeting him
changed my opinion of motherhood, or had my maternal desires always
been there, gaining strength as my fertile years ticked away?
Either way, I was unable to rehearse my answers with Dominic or
withhold the truth in our communion. My deepest, most honest
feelings, instead of being buried under layers of protective lies,
were all at the surface, ready to be revealed by any probing
question of his.
Then
, Dominic said,
I must offer
you an equally valuable gift in return. There is nothing truly
comparable, but I can offer you this
.
I waited, afraid he was returning to the
question of his nature, his love of young men that was so essential
to him. But I needn’t have worried.
I will leave you alone for six
months
, he said,
as I have promised. If, at that time, you
still want me, you have only to say so, and name your terms. If
not, I will accept your refusal with no argument
. There was a
determination behind his words, as if he were spitting them out
between clenched teeth, forcing himself to say something that did
not come easily.
Hurt that he could propose such a lengthy
separation, I balked at the thought of being without him all
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