intruded
.
Yes
, he said.
And you see, the
world has not ended
. He kissed me, like last night but without
as much passion.
What is so urgent that it drove you all the
way to find me when I was—busy?
He was still chuckling a
little.
I couldn’t tell him then. With all my concern
for myself, I had a new worry, one that took precedence. I was
afraid that Dominic would think I had deliberately intervened, that
somehow I had known he was alone with the boy and that I had
interrupted on purpose. Dominic might believe that, after last
night, I was trying to change him, that I did not accept his true
nature. He would think I felt that I had a claim on his innermost
being, that our love gave me the right to manipulate him or force
him to be different. I suspected already that if Dominic were not
vir
I could not love him as unconditionally as I did, but
that was another touchy thought I did not wish to bother him
with.
It was nothing
, I said.
I wanted
to see if I could visit you. Why should you do all the work?
I
tried to make a joke of it. There was some truth to this, after
all.
Dominic was silent, wanting to penetrate
behind my explanation that he guessed was not the entire substance,
but not liking to presume. We were both constrained by the need to
show the other that, although last night had been a definitive
moment, we would respect each other’s privacy. Absurdly I began to
wonder what that poor boy in the barrack room was seeing. Was
Dominic standing in front of him, eyes rolled up in his head in
some kind of trance? Or was Dominic now invisible, having faded out
slowly as he followed me in mind to La Sapienza?
These notions made Dominic laugh again.
It’s not like that
, he said.
He would see nothing
different, although he might sense your presence in my mind. But I
dismissed him when you broke in on us
.
Which brought me back to my new problem.
I am so sorry—
I should be sorry
, Dominic said.
I’m sorry you saw that
.
I knew he was beginning to have all those
thoughts I had hoped would never cross his mind.
Please,
Dominic
, I said.
Please don’t think for one moment that I
would change you, that anything about you is repugnant to me
.
I was crying, tears running down my face.
Dominic felt the tears, sensed something of
the emotion behind them.
My love
, he said,
I am not
worth such unhappiness
. He touched his lips to my face, his
tongue tasting my tears, then kissed my open mouth, and we entered
our deep communion of the previous night. And all my trouble
spilled out of my mind into his: how everyone had heard us last
night and whether Dominic had known, the low opinion Edwige had of
Dominic and, worst of all, the terrible choice I was supposed to
make.
Dominic’s mind surged with conflicting
emotions as he learned of one problem after another. Surprise was
followed by sympathy and indignation, even laughter—his first,
masculine response to the fact that we had been overheard.
I
never thought
, he said.
I wanted you; I thought of nothing
else
. He was Eclipsian, in many ways more accepting of sexual
activity than a Terran might be, and he had an aristocratic
unconcern with other people’s reactions if he saw nothing shameful
in his own behavior. Eventually anger took over, anger at himself.
I should have thought.
Edwige was right. I went to
seminary; I should have thought. My love for you, like all my
loves, has been selfish
.
There was nothing to say to this. It was
true, in a way, and yet also an intentional exaggeration, expecting
contradiction. I made little cooing sounds of polite denial,
pleased at his gesture. His arms were around me still, but the
beginning of the reoccurrence of last night’s excitement was
over.
Can you forgive me
, he asked,
for putting you in such a compromising position, for
jeopardizing your chance at La Sapienza?
His voice was
uncharacteristically diffident now. He was no longer making a show
of regret, but a genuine apology, and he was unsure of my
answer.
This
.
Yes
, he said.
And you see, the
world has not ended
. He kissed me, like last night but without
as much passion.
What is so urgent that it drove you all the
way to find me when I was—busy?
He was still chuckling a
little.
I couldn’t tell him then. With all my concern
for myself, I had a new worry, one that took precedence. I was
afraid that Dominic would think I had deliberately intervened, that
somehow I had known he was alone with the boy and that I had
interrupted on purpose. Dominic might believe that, after last
night, I was trying to change him, that I did not accept his true
nature. He would think I felt that I had a claim on his innermost
being, that our love gave me the right to manipulate him or force
him to be different. I suspected already that if Dominic were not
vir
I could not love him as unconditionally as I did, but
that was another touchy thought I did not wish to bother him
with.
It was nothing
, I said.
I wanted
to see if I could visit you. Why should you do all the work?
I
tried to make a joke of it. There was some truth to this, after
all.
Dominic was silent, wanting to penetrate
behind my explanation that he guessed was not the entire substance,
but not liking to presume. We were both constrained by the need to
show the other that, although last night had been a definitive
moment, we would respect each other’s privacy. Absurdly I began to
wonder what that poor boy in the barrack room was seeing. Was
Dominic standing in front of him, eyes rolled up in his head in
some kind of trance? Or was Dominic now invisible, having faded out
slowly as he followed me in mind to La Sapienza?
These notions made Dominic laugh again.
It’s not like that
, he said.
He would see nothing
different, although he might sense your presence in my mind. But I
dismissed him when you broke in on us
.
Which brought me back to my new problem.
I am so sorry—
I should be sorry
, Dominic said.
I’m sorry you saw that
.
I knew he was beginning to have all those
thoughts I had hoped would never cross his mind.
Please,
Dominic
, I said.
Please don’t think for one moment that I
would change you, that anything about you is repugnant to me
.
I was crying, tears running down my face.
Dominic felt the tears, sensed something of
the emotion behind them.
My love
, he said,
I am not
worth such unhappiness
. He touched his lips to my face, his
tongue tasting my tears, then kissed my open mouth, and we entered
our deep communion of the previous night. And all my trouble
spilled out of my mind into his: how everyone had heard us last
night and whether Dominic had known, the low opinion Edwige had of
Dominic and, worst of all, the terrible choice I was supposed to
make.
Dominic’s mind surged with conflicting
emotions as he learned of one problem after another. Surprise was
followed by sympathy and indignation, even laughter—his first,
masculine response to the fact that we had been overheard.
I
never thought
, he said.
I wanted you; I thought of nothing
else
. He was Eclipsian, in many ways more accepting of sexual
activity than a Terran might be, and he had an aristocratic
unconcern with other people’s reactions if he saw nothing shameful
in his own behavior. Eventually anger took over, anger at himself.
I should have thought.
Edwige was right. I went to
seminary; I should have thought. My love for you, like all my
loves, has been selfish
.
There was nothing to say to this. It was
true, in a way, and yet also an intentional exaggeration, expecting
contradiction. I made little cooing sounds of polite denial,
pleased at his gesture. His arms were around me still, but the
beginning of the reoccurrence of last night’s excitement was
over.
Can you forgive me
, he asked,
for putting you in such a compromising position, for
jeopardizing your chance at La Sapienza?
His voice was
uncharacteristically diffident now. He was no longer making a show
of regret, but a genuine apology, and he was unsure of my
answer.
This
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