wanted him to quit bothering her with his wishes and his worries, forbade him to talk about building another house, wanted him not to upset Pyetr with his ideas and never to talk to her about her father—wanted three things and four all at the same time, and stopped wishing at all, folding her arms tightly and biting her lips before something else escaped her.
“ I'm inconvenient, ” Sasha said carefully, “ and even if none of us wants that to be true, it is, I know it is. It's very hard to get along just with Pyetr— ”
“ I ’v e no trouble getting along with Pyetr! ”
“ But I do, ” he said, wishing she would be honest. “ At least enough, and I've lived in town with people ...”
“ I'm not a fool! Don't treat me like one! ”
“ I know you're not. ”
“ I'm tired of hearing about that damned horse! I don't want to want anything, I just want peace— ”
She stopped herself and bit her lip, and hoped that wish desperately to safety. He tried to help.
“ Please. ”
“ —peace with all of us, ” she said firmly. “ Leave it at that ”
“ Eveshka, I'm not sure about things, I'm not sure about what we're doing. ”
“ Leave it alone! ” Eveshka said. She turned away from him and started straightening up the counter.
He said, “ Will you help me find a bannik? ”
“ I don't see why. I don't see why it matters, I don't see how it can stop you from anything you want to do. Certainly nothing else does. ”
“ That's not fair, ” he said.
“ What isn't fair? ”
“ You're very strong. ” He knew it would make her mad: every time he told her she was stronger than she knew it made her mad, but he intended she think about that. ’‘You can do anything you really want in this house, you know that. ”
She wanted him not to say that. Her mouth made a straight, unhappy line.
“ It's true, ” he said. “ You'd probably be stronger than I am if you really wanted something. ”
“ That's papa's damned nonsense. I'll tell you what I have my mind made up to: I don't want to be stronger than you, I don't want to be stronger than anybody, and that's finished, then, isn't it? I have everything I've ever wanted to have, and there's nothing else I need or want, Sasha Vasilyevitch, which is more sense than Kavi had, and between you and me, more sense than my father had! If you want a bannik, fetch one. I'm sure I'm not standing in your way! ”
“ Don’t you want to know where we're going? At least don't you want to know where our wishes are taking us? ”
Eveshka scowled at him. No, she did not. That was clear.
Maybe he should go outside with Pyetr, find something hard to do, like splitting wood, something that gave him little time to think, but he was so damned scared of what was going on in the house—
Lack of sleep, he thought.
I want all I love to be safe?
But that's not responsible, any more than Eveshka wishing peace. The dead can be at peace. The dead can be safe.
She said, “ It's nonsense, anyway, my wanting you to leave. I don't know why you'd think that—I certainly don't want it. ”
“ I hope not, ” he said, and dared not wish anything else, like being welcome in the house for his own sake and not only Pyetr's. He kept thinking about the shelf falling. He kept thinking about the fight they were having, that he had above all not meant to have. He thought of burned timbers, and stood there tongue-tied, not even able to agree with her enough to wish their safety or their peace in the house.
So he went quietly to his books, and left Eveshka to her own, hoping desperately for banniks and foresight.
5
There was no mayhem in the garden, the rails had held, and Volkhi was in a frivolous mood this bright morning, trotting around his small pen and kicking up his heels.
There was also, Pyetr had a very strong feeling by now, another , invisible, and, since yesterday, very put-upon observer.
“ Come on, ” he said, setting the piece of cake down on a stray
“ I'm inconvenient, ” Sasha said carefully, “ and even if none of us wants that to be true, it is, I know it is. It's very hard to get along just with Pyetr— ”
“ I ’v e no trouble getting along with Pyetr! ”
“ But I do, ” he said, wishing she would be honest. “ At least enough, and I've lived in town with people ...”
“ I'm not a fool! Don't treat me like one! ”
“ I know you're not. ”
“ I'm tired of hearing about that damned horse! I don't want to want anything, I just want peace— ”
She stopped herself and bit her lip, and hoped that wish desperately to safety. He tried to help.
“ Please. ”
“ —peace with all of us, ” she said firmly. “ Leave it at that ”
“ Eveshka, I'm not sure about things, I'm not sure about what we're doing. ”
“ Leave it alone! ” Eveshka said. She turned away from him and started straightening up the counter.
He said, “ Will you help me find a bannik? ”
“ I don't see why. I don't see why it matters, I don't see how it can stop you from anything you want to do. Certainly nothing else does. ”
“ That's not fair, ” he said.
“ What isn't fair? ”
“ You're very strong. ” He knew it would make her mad: every time he told her she was stronger than she knew it made her mad, but he intended she think about that. ’‘You can do anything you really want in this house, you know that. ”
She wanted him not to say that. Her mouth made a straight, unhappy line.
“ It's true, ” he said. “ You'd probably be stronger than I am if you really wanted something. ”
“ That's papa's damned nonsense. I'll tell you what I have my mind made up to: I don't want to be stronger than you, I don't want to be stronger than anybody, and that's finished, then, isn't it? I have everything I've ever wanted to have, and there's nothing else I need or want, Sasha Vasilyevitch, which is more sense than Kavi had, and between you and me, more sense than my father had! If you want a bannik, fetch one. I'm sure I'm not standing in your way! ”
“ Don’t you want to know where we're going? At least don't you want to know where our wishes are taking us? ”
Eveshka scowled at him. No, she did not. That was clear.
Maybe he should go outside with Pyetr, find something hard to do, like splitting wood, something that gave him little time to think, but he was so damned scared of what was going on in the house—
Lack of sleep, he thought.
I want all I love to be safe?
But that's not responsible, any more than Eveshka wishing peace. The dead can be at peace. The dead can be safe.
She said, “ It's nonsense, anyway, my wanting you to leave. I don't know why you'd think that—I certainly don't want it. ”
“ I hope not, ” he said, and dared not wish anything else, like being welcome in the house for his own sake and not only Pyetr's. He kept thinking about the shelf falling. He kept thinking about the fight they were having, that he had above all not meant to have. He thought of burned timbers, and stood there tongue-tied, not even able to agree with her enough to wish their safety or their peace in the house.
So he went quietly to his books, and left Eveshka to her own, hoping desperately for banniks and foresight.
5
There was no mayhem in the garden, the rails had held, and Volkhi was in a frivolous mood this bright morning, trotting around his small pen and kicking up his heels.
There was also, Pyetr had a very strong feeling by now, another , invisible, and, since yesterday, very put-upon observer.
“ Come on, ” he said, setting the piece of cake down on a stray
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