Read Online Chances Aren't by Luke Young - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Luke Young
Tags: Humorous, Romance, Literature & Fiction, Satire, Time travel, American, Romantic Comedy, General Humor, Humor & Satire
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conditioning is set at like sixty and when my father isn't pooping, he's crunching on pretzels. My mother… she's constantly complaining about one health problem after another. I just can't take it. I can't."
"So…"
"So I want you to move out."
"You're kidding."
"I'm not. I was going to let you stay one more night, but not after you embarrassed me in front of the entire neighborhood."
"What?"
"You're having sex with Nina in the backyard and now I'm the laughing stock of—"
"I was not having sex with her." I plop down on the sofa across from her. "And no one can even see back there."
"I saw you kissing her."
"She started it," I say.
"Okay? And where the hell is Tom?"
"On a business trip."
"Have you been having an affair with her?"
"Noaaa," Shaking my head, I explain, "She said Tom cheated on her and she was just feeling—"
"Okay, yeah, that makes sense." Nodding, she shoots me a superior look.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"No, say it." I fold my arms and glare at her. "Go ahead."
"She's just using you."
"You mean no woman could possibly be attracted to me."
"Well not a young woman like that."
"She is attracted to me."
"Okay, all right." She humors me with a smile before looking away.
"She wanted me." Nodding my head, I motion to myself up and down. "She said I'm in better shape than Tom."
She scoffs.
"And you know what… it feels good to know someone is attracted to me. I haven't been in touch with that emotion since, since… I can't even remember when."
"You're crazy. I was attracted to you."
"Yeah. Okay, you really showed me how much."
"I always did."
"I never stopped being attracted to you. Even when you put on that weight, I was still—"
She shoots me an evil glare and I shut the hell up. "Are you calling me fat?"
"No, but we, you know, promised we would stay in shape for each other."
"You bastard. I've been through so much and now you have the nerve to criticize my body."
"I wasn't." I sigh, exhausted.
"Damien thinks I look good." She lifts her nose in the air.
"Well maybe you can screw him now. He can deliver his sperm donation… personally! You've always wanted him to."
Her jaw falls open. "I want you out now."
"You've got to be fucking kidding me."
Cringing, she gives me a pathetic look. "Okay, that's it, use foul language Mr. Cool."
"I think if ever an occasion called for…" I mimic her air quote marks, wearing a snooty expression. "… foul language , this is fucking it."
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck… you like that?" She fires back at me while shifting her head from side to side. "Now I'm as cool as you."
I shoot her a look like she's out of her mind. "Great, you can say it, but maybe you should try doing it a little more then you wouldn't be such a miserable person." Raising my eyebrows I wait for her response.
"Yeah, okay, whatever…" She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. "Anyway, I spoke to a lawyer today and in order for us to get divorced we need to live separately for twelve months. The clock starts over every time we spend the night in the same place and I want this over as soon as possible, so I want you to go… now."
"Fine. I'll go."
"Good."
Heading to the kitchen, I grab my wallet and car keys and rush out the door carrying my tennis shoes.
Chapter 9
Driving less than a mile from home, I realize I don't have the key to my office door and my plan was to sleep there. Pulling the car to the side of the road, I take a deep breath and weigh my options. I'm dressed in damp workout clothes; there isn't a hotel within twenty miles and I'm also a little too pissed off and probably over the legal limit to make the hour long drive to work.
"Shit," I mumble as I turn the car around and head back home.
Parking at the bottom of our driveway, I decide to take a nap in the car to sober up before going in the house to change and pick up my keys. Maybe I can sneak in and out while Emily is asleep. I recline the seat back a bit and settle in. Suddenly, my eyes shoot
"So…"
"So I want you to move out."
"You're kidding."
"I'm not. I was going to let you stay one more night, but not after you embarrassed me in front of the entire neighborhood."
"What?"
"You're having sex with Nina in the backyard and now I'm the laughing stock of—"
"I was not having sex with her." I plop down on the sofa across from her. "And no one can even see back there."
"I saw you kissing her."
"She started it," I say.
"Okay? And where the hell is Tom?"
"On a business trip."
"Have you been having an affair with her?"
"Noaaa," Shaking my head, I explain, "She said Tom cheated on her and she was just feeling—"
"Okay, yeah, that makes sense." Nodding, she shoots me a superior look.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"No, say it." I fold my arms and glare at her. "Go ahead."
"She's just using you."
"You mean no woman could possibly be attracted to me."
"Well not a young woman like that."
"She is attracted to me."
"Okay, all right." She humors me with a smile before looking away.
"She wanted me." Nodding my head, I motion to myself up and down. "She said I'm in better shape than Tom."
She scoffs.
"And you know what… it feels good to know someone is attracted to me. I haven't been in touch with that emotion since, since… I can't even remember when."
"You're crazy. I was attracted to you."
"Yeah. Okay, you really showed me how much."
"I always did."
"I never stopped being attracted to you. Even when you put on that weight, I was still—"
She shoots me an evil glare and I shut the hell up. "Are you calling me fat?"
"No, but we, you know, promised we would stay in shape for each other."
"You bastard. I've been through so much and now you have the nerve to criticize my body."
"I wasn't." I sigh, exhausted.
"Damien thinks I look good." She lifts her nose in the air.
"Well maybe you can screw him now. He can deliver his sperm donation… personally! You've always wanted him to."
Her jaw falls open. "I want you out now."
"You've got to be fucking kidding me."
Cringing, she gives me a pathetic look. "Okay, that's it, use foul language Mr. Cool."
"I think if ever an occasion called for…" I mimic her air quote marks, wearing a snooty expression. "… foul language , this is fucking it."
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck… you like that?" She fires back at me while shifting her head from side to side. "Now I'm as cool as you."
I shoot her a look like she's out of her mind. "Great, you can say it, but maybe you should try doing it a little more then you wouldn't be such a miserable person." Raising my eyebrows I wait for her response.
"Yeah, okay, whatever…" She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. "Anyway, I spoke to a lawyer today and in order for us to get divorced we need to live separately for twelve months. The clock starts over every time we spend the night in the same place and I want this over as soon as possible, so I want you to go… now."
"Fine. I'll go."
"Good."
Heading to the kitchen, I grab my wallet and car keys and rush out the door carrying my tennis shoes.
Chapter 9
Driving less than a mile from home, I realize I don't have the key to my office door and my plan was to sleep there. Pulling the car to the side of the road, I take a deep breath and weigh my options. I'm dressed in damp workout clothes; there isn't a hotel within twenty miles and I'm also a little too pissed off and probably over the legal limit to make the hour long drive to work.
"Shit," I mumble as I turn the car around and head back home.
Parking at the bottom of our driveway, I decide to take a nap in the car to sober up before going in the house to change and pick up my keys. Maybe I can sneak in and out while Emily is asleep. I recline the seat back a bit and settle in. Suddenly, my eyes shoot
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