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Authors: Lucy H. Delaney
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meant.
“None of it is little but, yes, I'm talking about sex-sex. I know all of this because I lived it. I want to save you from some of the pain I went through. Let him earn your love; don't give in. If he loves you ... he'll prove it,” she said.
“What's so bad about it anyway? You make it seem like it's so bad. If it it’s so bad how come people do it all the time?”
“No, it's not bad ... that's the whole point. It's that good. It's special; it's yourself you're giving to someone else and they're giving you themselves. You can shake hands or hug anyone, but that's a part of you that you don't give to everyone because once you give it, you can never take it back ... and they will always be with you and you with them. It's special and shouldn't be given away lightly.”
“It's not that big of a deal.”
“Then why did it matter to you how many guys I was with? Why do we make judgments about people who sleep around or cheat? Why are there talk shows about girls who don't know who the father of their child is? I suppose maybe for some people ... maybe ... it's not that big of a deal, but I don't think so. I certainly don't think so for you; you're too much like me.”
“I'm not like you ...”
She smiled and shrugged. “Let's hope not.”
That was it. She let me have the last word even though it was mean. I felt bad about that later. The worst part was that everything she was saying made sense but I couldn't admit it.
I loved Cole. I would do anything for him. He didn't love me and I knew it. I hated how his lack of regard made me want him more. I always called him first and he brushed me off after a little bit, and I told myself I wouldn't call again until he called me, but when he didn't, I called him. I hated it. I thought I was a strong, proud girl. I knew I was cute. I knew there were other boys who probably wanted me, and I was trying to be loyal to this jerk that played the field as much outside practice as he did during it. He only really cared when he wanted my body. I always knew it, too; that's the only time he called first. I knew what he wanted and I was mad at him for being a lousy boyfriend.
I was such an idiot. I was tired of being one.
I decided to break up with Cole.
I hoped he would beg and plead for me to change my mind. I wanted him to love me enough to prove it to me. That's not what he did at all.
C HAPTER 5
THE NEXT FRIDAY he called to see if I wanted to go out. His parents were working late, I knew the real reason he called. We would have dinner, watch a movie, and it would end at his house, in his room, in his bed, the way it had for the last eight months before. We ate in the mall food court and saw two girls, juniors obviously crushing on my boyfriend, right in front of me. I wanted him to put his arm around me but, instead, he got up and gave one girl a big old hug and told her how good it was to see her. It was like I wasn't even there. The girls were being girls. I mean, they knew we were together but they were flirting like girls do. He was the one I was mad at. He could have hugged her then sat back down by me. He could have included me in the conversation; instead, I was invisible. But I wasn't. Everything my mom said hit me in the gut like a sucker punch. I was better than this, I was better than him. I deserved more. I wanted more and I knew, in that moment, I would never get it from Cole no matter how much I begged or he promised or we fought.
I was done.
When the girls walked away, with backward waves and smiles, I tried to break it to him gently. “I don't think we should see each other anymore.”
Part of me didn't know what I was doing; part of me wondered why it had taken so long.
He looked at me in disbelief, then lowered his eyes to his food, nodded his head and said, “Probably best ... school's getting ready to start again, it'll be a fresh start for both of us.”
Probably best?! Fresh start! That was it? What a jerk!
“Yeah, that's
“None of it is little but, yes, I'm talking about sex-sex. I know all of this because I lived it. I want to save you from some of the pain I went through. Let him earn your love; don't give in. If he loves you ... he'll prove it,” she said.
“What's so bad about it anyway? You make it seem like it's so bad. If it it’s so bad how come people do it all the time?”
“No, it's not bad ... that's the whole point. It's that good. It's special; it's yourself you're giving to someone else and they're giving you themselves. You can shake hands or hug anyone, but that's a part of you that you don't give to everyone because once you give it, you can never take it back ... and they will always be with you and you with them. It's special and shouldn't be given away lightly.”
“It's not that big of a deal.”
“Then why did it matter to you how many guys I was with? Why do we make judgments about people who sleep around or cheat? Why are there talk shows about girls who don't know who the father of their child is? I suppose maybe for some people ... maybe ... it's not that big of a deal, but I don't think so. I certainly don't think so for you; you're too much like me.”
“I'm not like you ...”
She smiled and shrugged. “Let's hope not.”
That was it. She let me have the last word even though it was mean. I felt bad about that later. The worst part was that everything she was saying made sense but I couldn't admit it.
I loved Cole. I would do anything for him. He didn't love me and I knew it. I hated how his lack of regard made me want him more. I always called him first and he brushed me off after a little bit, and I told myself I wouldn't call again until he called me, but when he didn't, I called him. I hated it. I thought I was a strong, proud girl. I knew I was cute. I knew there were other boys who probably wanted me, and I was trying to be loyal to this jerk that played the field as much outside practice as he did during it. He only really cared when he wanted my body. I always knew it, too; that's the only time he called first. I knew what he wanted and I was mad at him for being a lousy boyfriend.
I was such an idiot. I was tired of being one.
I decided to break up with Cole.
I hoped he would beg and plead for me to change my mind. I wanted him to love me enough to prove it to me. That's not what he did at all.
C HAPTER 5
THE NEXT FRIDAY he called to see if I wanted to go out. His parents were working late, I knew the real reason he called. We would have dinner, watch a movie, and it would end at his house, in his room, in his bed, the way it had for the last eight months before. We ate in the mall food court and saw two girls, juniors obviously crushing on my boyfriend, right in front of me. I wanted him to put his arm around me but, instead, he got up and gave one girl a big old hug and told her how good it was to see her. It was like I wasn't even there. The girls were being girls. I mean, they knew we were together but they were flirting like girls do. He was the one I was mad at. He could have hugged her then sat back down by me. He could have included me in the conversation; instead, I was invisible. But I wasn't. Everything my mom said hit me in the gut like a sucker punch. I was better than this, I was better than him. I deserved more. I wanted more and I knew, in that moment, I would never get it from Cole no matter how much I begged or he promised or we fought.
I was done.
When the girls walked away, with backward waves and smiles, I tried to break it to him gently. “I don't think we should see each other anymore.”
Part of me didn't know what I was doing; part of me wondered why it had taken so long.
He looked at me in disbelief, then lowered his eyes to his food, nodded his head and said, “Probably best ... school's getting ready to start again, it'll be a fresh start for both of us.”
Probably best?! Fresh start! That was it? What a jerk!
“Yeah, that's
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