shark-infested dating waters without a life preserver. And yet, Ian would have to dive right in, heedless of the sharks, if he wanted even a taste of what the rest of his family had found.
“Maybe Davy could help. Offer some advice.”
“Yeah, maybe. But let’s hold off on that. I need some time to… get used to being out. Being myself.” Figuring out who the hell that was.
Kurt smiled at him. “You know I’m here for you, even if I’m so newly out I squeak around the edges.”
“I know, baby bro, I know.”
Just like that, guilt came welling back up, and he knew he couldn’t put it off any longer. Doing so would only benefit him, and he’d already been far too selfish where Kurt was concerned.
He placed the last wet dish in the dish rack, dried his hands, and sat at the table across from Kurt. The kitchen table was only big enough for four people; if the whole family was around to eat together, they ate in the dining room. The kitchen table was more like a cafeteria, catering to the different schedules of a family of nine. Which meant he was too close to Kurt’s curious gaze for comfort, and yet, this wasn’t going to be a comfortable discussion.
“I know….” Ian’s voice cracked, and he swallowed heavily. “I know I wasn’t there for you. And I’m sorry.”
Kurt shrugged. “We hashed this out last night. We’re good.”
Tempted to let it go, to take the easy way out, Ian forced himself to soldier on. His parents would know—somehow—if he shirked.
“No, I mean….” What did he mean, exactly? “I wasn’t there for you. I was a shit, and I know it. But the thing is, I somehow thought this whole life change had been easy for you. And I’m suddenly realizing it wasn’t. It can’t have been.” In fact, the more he thought about it, Ian knew it had to have been traumatic. Far more so than what he’d gone through. Because Kurt hadn’t realized he was gay. He’d probably never paid much attention to how his family or coworkers responded to gay characters on TV or in the movies. He’d never gauged how funny or offensive they found off-color jokes. Never knew if they sneered at, ignored, or even noticed a flamboyant gay man crossing their paths.
Ian had spent years analyzing every tiny reaction. He had made sure to enter a profession that was unlikely to be affected by his sexuality, because deep down, he’d assumed that if he didn’t choose to step out of the closet, he might be accidentally outed. Kurt had never had the chance to weigh his choice of profession against his sexual orientation.
Toronto was a pretty tolerant place, both in regards to sexuality and ethnicity. The police force didn’t discriminate. But there had to be some deeply seated fear that in a profession like police detective he’d have his work and partnerships suffer. Unlike Ian, who’d had years to consider how to come out, or to imagine every possible response, Kurt would have had all that crowd in on him over a matter of months.
Kurt had always been a pleasant, happy guy whose emotions were never in turmoil like Ian’s often were. The memory prompted a pallor in Kurt’s skin and a bleakness in his eyes that pained Ian like little else in his life. He may only be a year and a half older, but it was still his job to protect his younger brother, and he’d fucking failed.
“It wasn’t. No.” His brother’s voice was weak. As weak as Ian had ever heard it. Then Kurt broke eye contact to stare at the table, his fingers picking at the corner of a placemat.
“I’m here, now. Tell me.” He didn’t want to hear how he’d failed his baby brother, but his parents were right. He needed to hear this.
“Ian, I was so confused.”
Kurt proceeded to tell Ian everything he hadn’t told him last night when they’d made peace with each other.
“I started drinking. My temper was all over the place. If it hadn’t been for Simon covering for me at work, I probably would have lost my job. If it had gone on
“Maybe Davy could help. Offer some advice.”
“Yeah, maybe. But let’s hold off on that. I need some time to… get used to being out. Being myself.” Figuring out who the hell that was.
Kurt smiled at him. “You know I’m here for you, even if I’m so newly out I squeak around the edges.”
“I know, baby bro, I know.”
Just like that, guilt came welling back up, and he knew he couldn’t put it off any longer. Doing so would only benefit him, and he’d already been far too selfish where Kurt was concerned.
He placed the last wet dish in the dish rack, dried his hands, and sat at the table across from Kurt. The kitchen table was only big enough for four people; if the whole family was around to eat together, they ate in the dining room. The kitchen table was more like a cafeteria, catering to the different schedules of a family of nine. Which meant he was too close to Kurt’s curious gaze for comfort, and yet, this wasn’t going to be a comfortable discussion.
“I know….” Ian’s voice cracked, and he swallowed heavily. “I know I wasn’t there for you. And I’m sorry.”
Kurt shrugged. “We hashed this out last night. We’re good.”
Tempted to let it go, to take the easy way out, Ian forced himself to soldier on. His parents would know—somehow—if he shirked.
“No, I mean….” What did he mean, exactly? “I wasn’t there for you. I was a shit, and I know it. But the thing is, I somehow thought this whole life change had been easy for you. And I’m suddenly realizing it wasn’t. It can’t have been.” In fact, the more he thought about it, Ian knew it had to have been traumatic. Far more so than what he’d gone through. Because Kurt hadn’t realized he was gay. He’d probably never paid much attention to how his family or coworkers responded to gay characters on TV or in the movies. He’d never gauged how funny or offensive they found off-color jokes. Never knew if they sneered at, ignored, or even noticed a flamboyant gay man crossing their paths.
Ian had spent years analyzing every tiny reaction. He had made sure to enter a profession that was unlikely to be affected by his sexuality, because deep down, he’d assumed that if he didn’t choose to step out of the closet, he might be accidentally outed. Kurt had never had the chance to weigh his choice of profession against his sexual orientation.
Toronto was a pretty tolerant place, both in regards to sexuality and ethnicity. The police force didn’t discriminate. But there had to be some deeply seated fear that in a profession like police detective he’d have his work and partnerships suffer. Unlike Ian, who’d had years to consider how to come out, or to imagine every possible response, Kurt would have had all that crowd in on him over a matter of months.
Kurt had always been a pleasant, happy guy whose emotions were never in turmoil like Ian’s often were. The memory prompted a pallor in Kurt’s skin and a bleakness in his eyes that pained Ian like little else in his life. He may only be a year and a half older, but it was still his job to protect his younger brother, and he’d fucking failed.
“It wasn’t. No.” His brother’s voice was weak. As weak as Ian had ever heard it. Then Kurt broke eye contact to stare at the table, his fingers picking at the corner of a placemat.
“I’m here, now. Tell me.” He didn’t want to hear how he’d failed his baby brother, but his parents were right. He needed to hear this.
“Ian, I was so confused.”
Kurt proceeded to tell Ian everything he hadn’t told him last night when they’d made peace with each other.
“I started drinking. My temper was all over the place. If it hadn’t been for Simon covering for me at work, I probably would have lost my job. If it had gone on
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