any longer, I might have needed rehab.”
Guilt tore at Ian’s gut. If only he hadn’t had his head up his ass, he could have helped Kurt through this. His parents were right. He owed Kurt an apology. He owed him more than that, but there was nothing else he could do. Not since Kurt had already worked his shit out. Or had he?
“Rehab? Are you okay now? Or are you in AA or something?”
Kurt lifted a shoulder and winced. “I wouldn’t be the first cop with alcohol-abuse issues. I think it was probably a one-time aberration, but Davy’s insisting I go talk to someone. Just in case.”
“And you’re going to go?”
“For Davy? Absolutely.”
Ian let out a relieved breath. He’d never needed the support of alcohol or drugs to ease the confines of his closet. Probably because deep down he’d known coming out wouldn’t mean losing his family. But substance abuse was prevalent in the gay community, and he’d rather rip off his own arm than have Kurt suffer like that.
“I’m glad you found a good man.” And he was able to say it with nary a twinge of jealousy that the man had apparently just dropped into Kurt’s lap like manna from heaven.
Kurt lifted his head and smiled. “He is a good man. I love him.”
Jealousy did spike, momentarily, at the utter peace on Kurt’s face. But Ian ignored it, because he wasn’t finished.
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you. I wish… I wish we’d been at a place in our lives where we could have trusted each other with our secrets, like we used to as kids. Most of that’s on me, because if I’d come clean in high school, or even university, this whole thing might have been avoided. But please know, if there’s anything you need—even if it’s something you don’t want to tell anyone else—come to me. Don’t let yourself spiral down again, okay? Promise?”
“I promise. But I’m kind of glad this all happened.”
Ian must have misheard. “You’re glad? You didn’t get shot in the head, did you?”
Kurt laughed, his eyes crinkling and color coming back into his face. “Nope. Not a cracked skull, either. But don’t you see? If anything had been different, I might never have met Davy. He makes up for everything I went through.”
The sweetness of Kurt’s statement made Ian tear up just a little, even as his inner drama llama wanted to spit in ire. Even out and proud, he didn’t know how to be a boyfriend or a partner. A player was the role he’d built for himself, and it was going to take some time and effort to evolve into something else.
Chapter 3
I AN slid into the seat at the last available table in the café on the main floor of his office building. It had been less than a week since he’d come out to his parents, and he somehow expected a huge change in his life. Expected people to notice he walked taller, with more confidence. Sort of like when he’d lost his virginity, he’d been disappointed there hadn’t been a flashing neon sign over his head announcing the momentous occasion. All things considered, his coming out was almost a nonevent, and he really was turning into a drama llama if he couldn’t be happy it had gone so smoothly.
Pushing pasta around with his fork, he sighed and picked up his book. It wasn’t terribly interesting, but he’d promised his brother Dylan he’d read it.
Trouble was, he wanted to talk with someone and he didn’t know who. His friends, while they’d be supportive, couldn’t offer any insight into what it meant to be an out gay man. Dylan couldn’t either, assuming he’d even have the time with all the wedding preparations. It had been a long time since the rest of his sibs had married, and he’d forgotten how it consumed the attention of the principals, to the exclusion of all else. And Kurt—well, he knew what it was to be a gay man, and he was out, but he plunged straight from penile-y oblivious to out gay man with partner. The whole out gay man looking for… something… had
Guilt tore at Ian’s gut. If only he hadn’t had his head up his ass, he could have helped Kurt through this. His parents were right. He owed Kurt an apology. He owed him more than that, but there was nothing else he could do. Not since Kurt had already worked his shit out. Or had he?
“Rehab? Are you okay now? Or are you in AA or something?”
Kurt lifted a shoulder and winced. “I wouldn’t be the first cop with alcohol-abuse issues. I think it was probably a one-time aberration, but Davy’s insisting I go talk to someone. Just in case.”
“And you’re going to go?”
“For Davy? Absolutely.”
Ian let out a relieved breath. He’d never needed the support of alcohol or drugs to ease the confines of his closet. Probably because deep down he’d known coming out wouldn’t mean losing his family. But substance abuse was prevalent in the gay community, and he’d rather rip off his own arm than have Kurt suffer like that.
“I’m glad you found a good man.” And he was able to say it with nary a twinge of jealousy that the man had apparently just dropped into Kurt’s lap like manna from heaven.
Kurt lifted his head and smiled. “He is a good man. I love him.”
Jealousy did spike, momentarily, at the utter peace on Kurt’s face. But Ian ignored it, because he wasn’t finished.
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you. I wish… I wish we’d been at a place in our lives where we could have trusted each other with our secrets, like we used to as kids. Most of that’s on me, because if I’d come clean in high school, or even university, this whole thing might have been avoided. But please know, if there’s anything you need—even if it’s something you don’t want to tell anyone else—come to me. Don’t let yourself spiral down again, okay? Promise?”
“I promise. But I’m kind of glad this all happened.”
Ian must have misheard. “You’re glad? You didn’t get shot in the head, did you?”
Kurt laughed, his eyes crinkling and color coming back into his face. “Nope. Not a cracked skull, either. But don’t you see? If anything had been different, I might never have met Davy. He makes up for everything I went through.”
The sweetness of Kurt’s statement made Ian tear up just a little, even as his inner drama llama wanted to spit in ire. Even out and proud, he didn’t know how to be a boyfriend or a partner. A player was the role he’d built for himself, and it was going to take some time and effort to evolve into something else.
Chapter 3
I AN slid into the seat at the last available table in the café on the main floor of his office building. It had been less than a week since he’d come out to his parents, and he somehow expected a huge change in his life. Expected people to notice he walked taller, with more confidence. Sort of like when he’d lost his virginity, he’d been disappointed there hadn’t been a flashing neon sign over his head announcing the momentous occasion. All things considered, his coming out was almost a nonevent, and he really was turning into a drama llama if he couldn’t be happy it had gone so smoothly.
Pushing pasta around with his fork, he sighed and picked up his book. It wasn’t terribly interesting, but he’d promised his brother Dylan he’d read it.
Trouble was, he wanted to talk with someone and he didn’t know who. His friends, while they’d be supportive, couldn’t offer any insight into what it meant to be an out gay man. Dylan couldn’t either, assuming he’d even have the time with all the wedding preparations. It had been a long time since the rest of his sibs had married, and he’d forgotten how it consumed the attention of the principals, to the exclusion of all else. And Kurt—well, he knew what it was to be a gay man, and he was out, but he plunged straight from penile-y oblivious to out gay man with partner. The whole out gay man looking for… something… had
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