Read Online Butter Safe Than Sorry by Tamar Myers - Free Book Online
Authors: Tamar Myers
Tags: Religión, Fiction, General, Mystery & Detective, Women Sleuths, Crime, Mystery Fiction, Christianity, Hotelkeepers, Bank Robberies, Mennonite, Mennonites, Pennsylvania Dutch Country (Pa.), Yoder; Magdalena (Fictitious character)
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I am going to arrest her for obstruction of justice."
That was when the assemblage released their collective gasp.
" Arrest me? You can't barge into my home and arrest me during prayer. That's un- American! Even a Democrat wouldn't do that."
"Do you have a warrant?" the Babester asked calmly.
The sheriff is not an unreasonable man. "Look," he said, "all I want you to do is to stop harassing your cousin Pernicious Yoder III, over at the bank, so that I can get some peace and quiet."
I, however, was still quite vexed that he had barged into my home. "He's not my cousin, and peace and quiet are redundant."
"What?"
Gabe put a steadying hand on my shoulder. "She means that Pernicious is not her first cousin, but as to you being redundant--Well, you know, Magdalena; she can split hairs with the broad side of an ax."
"Thanks, dear," I said. "Uh--I think."
"But, hon," Gabe said, "what's this about you pestering Pernicious? He's not still trying to get you to donate to the Giant Ball of String Society, is he?"
"Like I would!" That society, by the way, is about as nutty as a stroll down Hollywood Boulevard, or a jog through Clearwater, Florida--take your pick. The members are collecting bits of string from all over the world, which one unidentified woman in Charlotte, North Carolina, is supposedly tying together to form one very long string, which she keeps rolled in an ever-expanding ball. On June 17, 2019, the ball will be unrolled so that the string stretches around the world, thereby uniting all mankind in everlasting peace. Yeah, right; what a Crock- Pot full of Huafa mischt that is.
"No," I said quickly, "this has nothing to do with string. But speaking of which, be a dear, will you? And run back into the dining room and see how our guests are faring."
"Of course, dear. But what's that got to do with string?"
I smiled weakly. "You know, tie up loose ends--that sort of thing."
"I will not; I'm staying right here. Go on," Gabe said to the sheriff. "Fill me in."
It isn't pretty to see a man in a uniform flinch. "It's not just Pernicious who's complaining. Your wife has apparently made herself such a fixture around police headquarters that they even have a nickname reserved just for her."
I patted the white organza prayer cap atop my bun. This gesture is admittedly an affectation of mine that I engage in whenever I've been unduly flattered.
"They do ?" I said in mock surprise. "What?"
"Rasputin."
I recoiled in horror. "Oh, what vile things I've read about that man!"
The sheriff offered me a crooked grin in consolation. "I'm sure the guys at headquarters mean it kindly: that you have an indomitable spirit."
"That you do," the Babester said proudly. "Trust me, Sheriff, it takes a hard man to dominate her."
"And my husband is anything but a softie," I said just as proudly.
"Enough with the mutual-adulation society," the sheriff growled. "You should know, Mr. Yoder, that your wife has been running a full-scale investigation of the bank robbery on her own for some time now."
"Two corrections are in order," I said, stabbing the air with a shapely index finger. "First of all, my husband is Dr. Gabriel Rosen, not Mr. Yoder--that was my father. And secondly, it was a failed bank robbery."
The sheriff glared at me. "Which is neither here nor there as far as you're concerned. This matter is only of concern to the FBI and local law enforcement authorities."
"So then what am I, chopped liver?"
"Huh?"
"It's a Jewish expression," Gabe said. "What she means is--"
"My child and I were there. My son could have gotten killed. My son--not your son, not the FBI's son."
"My son too," Gabe said plaintively.
The sheriff took time out long enough to blow his nose on a plain white handkerchief the size of a picnic cloth. Having relieved his not inconsiderable proboscis of its contents, he rubbed it brusquely from side to side.
"I'll take it then that you intend to interfere at every opportunity and that I should expect to
That was when the assemblage released their collective gasp.
" Arrest me? You can't barge into my home and arrest me during prayer. That's un- American! Even a Democrat wouldn't do that."
"Do you have a warrant?" the Babester asked calmly.
The sheriff is not an unreasonable man. "Look," he said, "all I want you to do is to stop harassing your cousin Pernicious Yoder III, over at the bank, so that I can get some peace and quiet."
I, however, was still quite vexed that he had barged into my home. "He's not my cousin, and peace and quiet are redundant."
"What?"
Gabe put a steadying hand on my shoulder. "She means that Pernicious is not her first cousin, but as to you being redundant--Well, you know, Magdalena; she can split hairs with the broad side of an ax."
"Thanks, dear," I said. "Uh--I think."
"But, hon," Gabe said, "what's this about you pestering Pernicious? He's not still trying to get you to donate to the Giant Ball of String Society, is he?"
"Like I would!" That society, by the way, is about as nutty as a stroll down Hollywood Boulevard, or a jog through Clearwater, Florida--take your pick. The members are collecting bits of string from all over the world, which one unidentified woman in Charlotte, North Carolina, is supposedly tying together to form one very long string, which she keeps rolled in an ever-expanding ball. On June 17, 2019, the ball will be unrolled so that the string stretches around the world, thereby uniting all mankind in everlasting peace. Yeah, right; what a Crock- Pot full of Huafa mischt that is.
"No," I said quickly, "this has nothing to do with string. But speaking of which, be a dear, will you? And run back into the dining room and see how our guests are faring."
"Of course, dear. But what's that got to do with string?"
I smiled weakly. "You know, tie up loose ends--that sort of thing."
"I will not; I'm staying right here. Go on," Gabe said to the sheriff. "Fill me in."
It isn't pretty to see a man in a uniform flinch. "It's not just Pernicious who's complaining. Your wife has apparently made herself such a fixture around police headquarters that they even have a nickname reserved just for her."
I patted the white organza prayer cap atop my bun. This gesture is admittedly an affectation of mine that I engage in whenever I've been unduly flattered.
"They do ?" I said in mock surprise. "What?"
"Rasputin."
I recoiled in horror. "Oh, what vile things I've read about that man!"
The sheriff offered me a crooked grin in consolation. "I'm sure the guys at headquarters mean it kindly: that you have an indomitable spirit."
"That you do," the Babester said proudly. "Trust me, Sheriff, it takes a hard man to dominate her."
"And my husband is anything but a softie," I said just as proudly.
"Enough with the mutual-adulation society," the sheriff growled. "You should know, Mr. Yoder, that your wife has been running a full-scale investigation of the bank robbery on her own for some time now."
"Two corrections are in order," I said, stabbing the air with a shapely index finger. "First of all, my husband is Dr. Gabriel Rosen, not Mr. Yoder--that was my father. And secondly, it was a failed bank robbery."
The sheriff glared at me. "Which is neither here nor there as far as you're concerned. This matter is only of concern to the FBI and local law enforcement authorities."
"So then what am I, chopped liver?"
"Huh?"
"It's a Jewish expression," Gabe said. "What she means is--"
"My child and I were there. My son could have gotten killed. My son--not your son, not the FBI's son."
"My son too," Gabe said plaintively.
The sheriff took time out long enough to blow his nose on a plain white handkerchief the size of a picnic cloth. Having relieved his not inconsiderable proboscis of its contents, he rubbed it brusquely from side to side.
"I'll take it then that you intend to interfere at every opportunity and that I should expect to
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