life and it kept all feelings closed out and no one ever touched her. So I tried it and it worked. I was finally able to have a life even if it wasn’t fulfilling I was able to take out all my pain on a sub. I had 1 sub he even choose me to be his only Dom & it worked great until Corrine came along and promised him the world. He went with her knowing I would never give him the things she offered or let him come back, he was just an object to me but he was mine. I had a few others along the way and somehow Corrine always found out whom and took them to, and as always I was alone again. The night at the first party I had every thought of asking you to stay and be my new sub I wanted you and not to share. When she walked up I wanted to claw her face off, but I think it was more than knowing she saw a new potential sub. She couldn’t have you. But then when I finally got you home and tied you up to give you a small taste of the life I was offering I just … I just couldn’t Cam your body hanging there called to me but not to hurt you or punish you for a crime you didn’t commit but for you to hold me to keep me close safe even, you made me want more, to be trusting and allow myself to feel again. It scared me and I sent you away I didn’t want to feel anything I couldn’t let someone into my life that way, you would just leave like everyone else. Then when you were gone my heart just shattered like I didn’t know it could. I couldn’t breathe Cam I laid in that bed and cried and begged and pleaded. I couldn’t work or eat. I hit my knees and prayed to a GOD I thought had turned his back on me years ago. I begged for a second chance at a life I knew I wanted. And it lead me here to you. Cam I know I am freaking you out I wish you would look at me and tell me what you’re thinking (he didn’t look up) Cam please no matter what happens after this I want you to know. I love you like nothing I’ve ever loved, I love you with all that I am my heart, soul, and body, I love you like I’ve never loved myself. You are it for me my everything without you I am nothing I am just broken. Forever waiting to be loved. Please Cam tell me what you’re thinking I’m begging.” He sits here after I poor my heart out he just sits here on the edge of the bed with his head in his palms staring down at his stupid fucking feet seriously? WTF HELL-OOOO ok ok I need to calm down he is processing, yep I just laid a life time of SHIT on him and he has to process, at least he stayed to hear it and didn’t run for the hills screaming….YET! I can’t take it any longer I get up and change into my night clothes. Pulling the old ragged sweat shirt down over my head I thought I caught Cam looking, I made my way to the bathroom combed my hair out brushed my teeth and headed to the bed. Cam had not moved. I sit down on top of the covers. “Cam it’s obvious you have nothing to say to me so just leave, don’t feel guilty for it just go I promise. I understand and I don’t expect you to want anything to do with me after what I told you I have done.” I roll over and pull my special pillow (yes it’s the frog get over it) up close to my face and felt the tears start running down but I didn’t move or let the sobs rack me I would not give him the satisfaction of knowing he had broken what I was sure was broke all along. Why is it every time I start to heal I break again? At this rate there won’t be anything left. I felt the bed give way and I heard a sound I knew all too well, only proving so when I heard the door click. My life had just walked out on me; he left and took my worth with him. I was literally alone and I deserved it. Cam deserved better than a broken bitch. I was tainted and everything I touched ended up that way. Better stop by the shelter on my way home and grab a few cats because that was as good as it got for me, humm maybe I can figure out what those little pockets on their ears are for?!.
Not sure how long I cried
Not sure how long I cried
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