Read Online Bream Gives Me Hiccups by Jesse Eisenberg - Free Book Online
Authors: Jesse Eisenberg
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Anyway, she is a bit chunky. Not for you.
O.K., itâs starting. Do you know anything about this ballet? It was $125, you should know what youâre seeing. It waswritten by Wagner, which is pronounced â Vag-ner â and who was a Nazi but before Hitler. O.K., turn your phone off. Itâs starting.
You see, whatâs happening now is that sheâs in love with those three men. Thatâs why theyâre all holding roses. And sheâs courting them at the same time. Like when you drove all the way to Providence for Sarahâs graduation and she decided she didnât have any time for you. But Iâm sure she was able to squeeze in some time for whatâs-his-name. Patrick? Are they still together? They deserve each other. She was never right for you. She brought almond cake to the house after your grandmotherâs funeral. As if one death in the family wasnât enough, she wants me to go into anaphylactic shock at my own mother-in-lawâs funeral? Iâm not telling you who you should date, itâs not my business and I respect your âprocess,â but that girl was an ungrateful hussy who never appreciated you.
Why canât you stand like that guy on stage? Look at his posture. Forget that heâs black for a second and just look at his body. His shoulders are back. He has confidence. You look like youâre apologizing even before you open your mouth. You walk in a room, no one notices. He walks on stage, weâre all looking. Look at him, heâs like a walking picture. I never dated a black man. Your father was so attractive in college. It stifled me, in a way. I used to be very progressive.
Stop nodding off. What did you do all day that youâre so tired? Are you sweating? You smell like youâre sweating.
Look who sheâs dancing with now. Quelle surprise! You see? When you stand up straight, she takes your rose. Itâs justabout the confidence you project. If you had confidence, people would notice you. There was a kid in a wheelchair back in Elmhurst but he was so funny, he knew how to laugh at himself and, in a way, we all liked him.
What sheâs doing now is called a pas de chat. Itâs French and we all know how you did in that class, so Iâll just solve the mystery and tell you that it means âstep of the cat.â
Ah, look at that! She just fell! Ha! Clumsy. I could do that. âStep of the cat.â I used to dance, did I tell you that? I couldâve been successful if I hadnât had your sister. She tore my body apart. Sheâs still destroying me, in a way. I couldâve done that. It looks harder than it is.
Oh, heâs back! Look at him! Heâs an Adonis. Do you think he puts something in his pants to fill it out? No one has such a big thing, right? Your father is the only man Iâve ever been with. Can you believe that? Itâs noble, in a way, but Iâm not going to Heaven for not having any fun.
Can you please pay attention for a second? Your fidgeting is distracting me. I understand youâre impatient. Iâve been impatient too. Like when I was impatient for thirty-six hours while you took your sweet time ambling down my birth canal. That wasnât exactly fun for me either. It felt like I was trying to shit out a watermelon. Had I known about the size of your head, I wouldâve gotten a Caesarean. Hindsight, right?
Okay, whatâs happening now is weâre being kicked out because Iâm talking too much. The usher, who I initially thought was prettyâHi, dear!âis escorting us out. And understandably so, I havenât stopped audibly insulting you since this started and itâs distracting to the other patrons. She is actuallycute up close. A little flabby in the neck, but cute. Try to get her number.
Listen, I canât drive you home, youâll have to take the train. Traffic is a nightmare at the tunnel right now.
Iâll see you next week. Try to
O.K., itâs starting. Do you know anything about this ballet? It was $125, you should know what youâre seeing. It waswritten by Wagner, which is pronounced â Vag-ner â and who was a Nazi but before Hitler. O.K., turn your phone off. Itâs starting.
You see, whatâs happening now is that sheâs in love with those three men. Thatâs why theyâre all holding roses. And sheâs courting them at the same time. Like when you drove all the way to Providence for Sarahâs graduation and she decided she didnât have any time for you. But Iâm sure she was able to squeeze in some time for whatâs-his-name. Patrick? Are they still together? They deserve each other. She was never right for you. She brought almond cake to the house after your grandmotherâs funeral. As if one death in the family wasnât enough, she wants me to go into anaphylactic shock at my own mother-in-lawâs funeral? Iâm not telling you who you should date, itâs not my business and I respect your âprocess,â but that girl was an ungrateful hussy who never appreciated you.
Why canât you stand like that guy on stage? Look at his posture. Forget that heâs black for a second and just look at his body. His shoulders are back. He has confidence. You look like youâre apologizing even before you open your mouth. You walk in a room, no one notices. He walks on stage, weâre all looking. Look at him, heâs like a walking picture. I never dated a black man. Your father was so attractive in college. It stifled me, in a way. I used to be very progressive.
Stop nodding off. What did you do all day that youâre so tired? Are you sweating? You smell like youâre sweating.
Look who sheâs dancing with now. Quelle surprise! You see? When you stand up straight, she takes your rose. Itâs justabout the confidence you project. If you had confidence, people would notice you. There was a kid in a wheelchair back in Elmhurst but he was so funny, he knew how to laugh at himself and, in a way, we all liked him.
What sheâs doing now is called a pas de chat. Itâs French and we all know how you did in that class, so Iâll just solve the mystery and tell you that it means âstep of the cat.â
Ah, look at that! She just fell! Ha! Clumsy. I could do that. âStep of the cat.â I used to dance, did I tell you that? I couldâve been successful if I hadnât had your sister. She tore my body apart. Sheâs still destroying me, in a way. I couldâve done that. It looks harder than it is.
Oh, heâs back! Look at him! Heâs an Adonis. Do you think he puts something in his pants to fill it out? No one has such a big thing, right? Your father is the only man Iâve ever been with. Can you believe that? Itâs noble, in a way, but Iâm not going to Heaven for not having any fun.
Can you please pay attention for a second? Your fidgeting is distracting me. I understand youâre impatient. Iâve been impatient too. Like when I was impatient for thirty-six hours while you took your sweet time ambling down my birth canal. That wasnât exactly fun for me either. It felt like I was trying to shit out a watermelon. Had I known about the size of your head, I wouldâve gotten a Caesarean. Hindsight, right?
Okay, whatâs happening now is weâre being kicked out because Iâm talking too much. The usher, who I initially thought was prettyâHi, dear!âis escorting us out. And understandably so, I havenât stopped audibly insulting you since this started and itâs distracting to the other patrons. She is actuallycute up close. A little flabby in the neck, but cute. Try to get her number.
Listen, I canât drive you home, youâll have to take the train. Traffic is a nightmare at the tunnel right now.
Iâll see you next week. Try to
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