Read Online Boys That Bite by Mari Mancusi - Free Book Online Page B

and hustles me toward the door. "We've got to hide from Bertha." "Bertha?" "Yes, Bertha," he repeats impatiently, dragging me out of the office. "Bertha the Vampire Slayer." Hmm. Doesn't have the same ring to it as her TV counterpart. But okay, whatever. I follow Magnus down the ornate hallway, quickly catching up to and then passing Lucifent, whose little legs can't take big strides like ours. "Hurry, Master," Magnus begs. "The Slayer has entered the sanctuary," the female computer announces, helpfully. "Phew." Magnus stops running, allowing Lucifent to catch up. "She's on the other side of the compound. It'll take her at least ten minutes to get over here." Lucifent nods. "We should still get to the—" "The Slayer has entered the east hallway." Hmm. Either the Slayer is superfast or there's been some kind of glitch in the Matrix. 'Cause suddenly, a woman drops down from a grate in the ceiling, effectively blocking our path. She's dressed in black leather, but don't get the mistaken impression that she's at all attractive and sexy in it. Let's just say Bertha the Vampire Slayer has evidently been hitting the drive-through a few too many times on her dinner break. And leather sure isn't very forgiving when it comes to super sizing your French fries. Especially tight, low-rise leather pants that allow her stomach fat to ooze out her front. Add a greasy zit-face and the stringy blond hair and you'll get a good mental picture of what this "Slayer" looks like. I think I prefer Sarah Michelle Gellar. "Lucifent," she snarls, raising her wooden stake. Wow, she's got braces too. I can't believe the mortal enemy of all vampires goes to an orthodontist. "Prepare to die." Then, without further ado and quicker than my eyes can follow, Bertha back-handsprings down the hallway, flabby flesh flopping around like a fish out of water. For someone so anorexically challenged, the girl can really move! Then she stakes Lucifent in the heart. There's no dramatic fight scene. No exchange of clever banter. Just stakeage. And dustage. And no more Lucifentage. I stare in horror as the one guy who knows how to stop me from changing into a vampire goes up in a pile of smoke. But before I can mourn this fact properly, Big Bertha turns to us with an evil-looking metal-mouthed grin and I realize we may have bigger problems on our hands. Crap. "Run!" Magnus cries. I don't need a second invitation. We dash down the hall, Bertha hot on our heels. Magnus yanks me into a side chamber and slams the door shut, jamming a chair under the handle. My heart slams against my rib cage as I watch him run to the bookcase on the far side of the room and start scanning it with his eyes. What is he doing? I can hear Bertha pounding on the door. "This is no time for book club!" I exclaim. Magnus ignores me and pulls out a large, dusty tome from the shelf. Suddenly the bookshelf swings open, revealing a secret passageway leading off into the darkness. Oh. My bad. "Hurry," he hisses. Behind us, Bertha's now hacking at the door with what sounds like an axe. Which is weird 'cause she didn't have an axe on her, just a stake. But I'm not going to ask questions. I follow Magnus down into the dark tunnel and the bookshelf swings shut, blanketing us in complete darkness. The vampire grabs hold of my hand and starts dragging me down the stairs. I can't see a thing and my heart is still pounding in my chest. I can't believe that slayer chick just dusted the three-thousand-year-old leader of the vampires in one fell swoop. Dusted him seconds before he could tell me how to avoid becoming a three-thousand-year-old vampire myself. And now she's after us. Which means I may no longer need to know the 411 on stopping the transformation, mainly due to the fact that I'll be reduced to a pile of gray dust way before it takes place. Instamatic cremation. Will my life ever be normal again?
    10
    Confessions of a Teenage Knight in Shining Armor
    We reach what appears to be a steel door, illuminated